The Bride of My Youth

The bride of my youth

The bride of my youth
O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

Her beauty and exquisiteness
Unending love I must confess.
Sent from heaven above.

The bride of my youth
A small bouquet, a wedding dress,
A budding flower, spring caress,
Fragrant, scented, sweet belove.

A pleasant blooming meadow rose!
Sweet innocence, beloved, betrothed,
Flying, soaring, peaceful dove.

The bride of my youth
Full of promise, unable to mend?
A broken reed, lost friend.
Raining, stormy clouds above.

Kinsman redeemer covering save,
Restore my marriage from the grave?
Only with remembered love.

The bride of my youth
What will happen? What will be?
When my dove wants to be free?
A caged bird, let loose of.

O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

God is Greater Than Our Heart (1John 3:20)

3/30/10 I sent out an Easter present to my wife xxxx today. It was the gift basket that I was supposed have given her for valentines day except that it got lost in the mail. I just received it about a week ago. As I was preparing the basket it looked a little sparse so I went looking for something to fill-in the empty space. As I was looking I just couldn’t make up my mind. I got real sad because I felt like I wanted the perfect item and I couldn’t find it. Then I realized that it doesn’t matter what I put in the basket, it isn’t going to make her say “Look at this beautiful gift! Why did I ever leave him? I want him back!” We have been separated now for almost a year and our communication is almost nonexistent. GOD I MISS HER!! I miss the bride of my youth. I miss the promise of partnership, the promise of growing old together, the promise of the security, the promise to have and to hold, I miss my friend I miss my partner, I miss my lover, I miss my wife. What I notice when reading over this short list. I guess I know the root of our marriage failure. It can be summed up in word MY. I was a very selfish man in our marriage. This selfishness translated into a-one-sided-boat-flipping-treading-water-drownig-sinking-death of a marriage. There was no way that we could have stayed afloat forever. Eventually we were going to get tired and sink. I’m not sure how long I am going to keep dwelling on my past sins(I guess at least this one more time). There goes that self defecating(I ment this word) talk again. I know that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit”(Romans 8:1). I know I have been cleansed and washed by the blood of Jesus. “how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?(Hebrews 9:14). I know I am a new creation. “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun (2 Corinthians 5:17). Lord I am claiming what you have said about me. I will no longer listen to myself or the demonic forces at work that wants to continually remind me of who I was. “knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin” (Romans 6:6). The word “I” Should no longer be in my vocabulary when referring to who I am. I need only to listen to what HE has to say about me. The “ I AM”(Exodus 3:14) is the only one I should listen to. “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things”(1John 3:20 )

He Crushed It Into a Lump of Clay (Jeremiah 18:2-4)

3/28/10 Yesterday night I did street evangelism with about 6 other people. I feel like God is calling me to step out of my comfort zone. We paired up and I went with a woman named Rebecca. She was fearless when she would talk to the people on the streets. Me on the other hand, I was terrified! I felt so self-conscious and it took everything I had to go up to people I didn’t know and try to strike up a conversation. I did feel more comfortable after a few times doing it. We spoke to a couple of kids(under 30) and they were wishy-washy about spiritual things. We prayed with/for them to get a better understanding and better relationship with Jesus. Then we talked to a guy named Jeff. He was a middle aged fellow who was sitting on a barrier wall between the beach and the road watching the college kids hanging out at the Elbowroom Bar. We spoke to him for 45mins about God’s love and spiritual things. I asked him if he wanted to receive Jesus as his savior and he said No! We proceeded to talk with him for another 10mins and I asked him once again and he said No. Then just as we were about to leave we spoke to him about sin and the need to be redeemed from the consequences of sin etc.. When we finished speaking with him, it looked like a light went on in his head and his face looked different( almost shining). Then I asked him once again if he wanted to receive Jesus as his Lord and savior. This time he said yes!! ( I thought to myself really?) I lead him in the “sinners prayer” and he accepted Jesus as his Lord and savior. He seemed so grateful and thanked us for everything. We gave him the book of John and other literature. God you are so awesome! I am so glad you didn’t give up on me when I was so far away from you. I was reading in the book of Jeremiah chapter 18 and I have read this before, but now the words just JUMPED right off the page at me! Jeremiah 18:2-4“Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over”. Lord I thank you that you loved me so much that you did not allow me to say stuck in my sin. You loved me so much that you disciplined me and You crushed me and started over. “As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father?”(Hebrews 12:7). God you wanted me to be a vessel of honor so you could use me to do your will. Romans 9:21 says “Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?” Lord I know that you formed me from the dust of the ground and breathed life into me(Gen 2:7) . You know everything about me for you said "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart”(Jeremiah 1:5). One of my new favorite verses that I cling to with all of my heart is psalms 119:71“ It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes.” I do believe that you allowed my wife to leave me so you could get my attention. I wish I could have learned to obey and trust you a different way. But I know that I am so stubborn and would still be stuck in my sin. Lord Jesus I pray in your Holy name for the restoration of our marriage. I pray that you would heal/soften Her heart and draw her back to you. I know in your word that you hate divorce (Malachi 2:16) so I am praying for a supernatural healing of our marriage. But if for some reason you do not restore our marriage, I am going to trust in faith that you will work all things for good (Romans 8:28). I am learning to trust you and I know that you have never let me down. Lord Increase my faith.

Can Two Walk Together, Unless They Are Agreed?(Amos 3:3)

3/25/10 I was walking in Publix the other day and I was thinking and praying as I often do about my wife and our marriage and I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit. Not an audible voice, but a quiet whisper in my mind that said “ Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3) I thought it was from the part of scripture in Ecclesiastes 4 where it says” Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor…” When I went home to look it up, it was a totally different scripture then I had thought. Then I interpreted it as the Holy Spirit telling me that if my wife xxxx doesn’t want to be married to me there is nothing I can do about it. DAH! What a revelation! I think somewhere in my mind I was thinking somehow I can change her mind or just will it into being so. Amos speaks of agreeing to walk together. If I agree to walk with xxxx and she doesn’t agree to walk with me, then I am either following her or stalking her. Either way I look at it, we are not walking together because we are not in agreement. So I keep praying that God will restore my marriage and trust that He will do it. I feel like such a hypocrite just writing those words. I say that I trust God to do whatever He wants in my life, but I still try to impose my will on my wife and on God. Am I truly trusting God? NO! With My lips I say I trust him, but in my heart I don’t. I will let God take control and drive for a little while then if He is not taking me in the direction I feel like we should be going, I will grab the steering wheel and try to go in another direction. The problem with that is that I have no control of the gas peddle or the breaks! Eventually I am going to crash. As I look at the scripture in the context of this chapter, it doesn’t speak of two people walking together and not agreeing at all. It speaks of me walking together with God. A lot of times I pray or do something then after the fact I ask God to bless it. This verse can apply to me personally in that; if I am truly going to walk together with God, then I must be in agreement with Him and His will. I cannot do something and then after the fact ask God to come alongside and bless it. I need to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness”(Matt 33-34) and let Jesus drive. If I allow Jesus to drive in my life, then all I have to do is sit back and relax. Easy for me to say, but what a hard thing to do. I have come to realize that I am often self-centered, self-absorbed, self-sufficient, self-reliant, and narcissistic. I need to let Jesus be in control not me. Lord God I want to be more like you. I want your strength and power in my life. I need your guidance not only with wisdom for my marriage, but in every aspect of my life. “He must increase, but I must decrease.”(John 3:30)

Who Am I in Christ? (Colossians 2:10)

Who Am I in Christ?
2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” The word new can be translated in the original language as: new or fresh and the word Creation can be translated as: the act or the product. So I am a new fresh created product in Christ Jesus. I’m not a refurbished creation, but a new one still in the box! I am a one of a kind original work of art created to do good works(eph 2:10)and there is nothing lacking in me “you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.”(col 2:10). The word Complete can also mean: to fill to the full. The word in can be translated as: by or with, and the word HIM in the context of this verse means the person of Jesus. This verse can also read : I am filled to the full with or by Jesus Christ, who is the head of all principality and power. Jesus is the supreme leader the one who is in charge. There is no co-managers or co-leaders, He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. If I am filled to the full with Jesus, then there is nothing lacking in me. Lord God I believe that the bible is Your word. It is infallible and can be trusted as the inspired WORD OF GOD. I believe all of the promises in the bible and that they apply to me! Personally! I hear you speak to me daily and I thank you that you guide and direct me. Thank you Jesus! I’m not sure if I will ever grasp the magnitude of who you are Lord Jesus and who I am in you. “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” (1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT) Who am I in Christ? I’m not exactly sure. What I do know is that Christ is in me!!!!

Lord I Believe ( Mark 9:24)

3/21/10 Recently I was communicating with a person who said that I have a lot of head knowledge of who God is, but it hasn’t sunk into my heart yet. Lord I don’t think this is true at all. I feel like You are talking to me in ways I didn’t think possible. I feel your all consuming power and grace when I am at my lowest points. I read your work and it cuts right to my heart and consumes me. “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”(Hebrews 4:12) With all that said, maybe she’s right. Lately I feel like my perception of reality can be tainted by my emotions and what I am feeling in my heart.“ The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.(Jeremiah 17:9-10) I am going to diligently seek after You Lord God and seek wisdom in this matter. I read in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” Lord I am taking You at your word. I am seeking wisdom and I’m asking in faith and I believe you will give me a deeper understanding of who You are and who I am in Christ. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

The Lord gives his people strength. (Psalms 29:11)

3/19/10 "The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace." (Psalms 29:11) O Lord I feel like you spoke to me yesterday through Your Holy Spirit. I feel like I had a breakthrough and you gave me insight to the root of the problems that plagued me my entire life. I can some up my entire problem in one word. INSECURITY! The definition of Insecurity: a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner). I remember even from nursery school feelings of insecurity and an overwhelming sense of mistrust of others. I believe my insecurity stems from when I was molested at 3 or 4 years old . I’m not sure who it was, but I think it was someone from the neighborhood we were we lived. I believe from that point on my innocence was taken away and it altered my overall perception of people around me and who I was as a person. As I look back I didn’t feel like my mom had protected me from the dangerous person and if my mom who was my whole world (like god to me)couldn’t protect me, then there is no way I can be ever feel safe. This translated to how I reacted and interacted with everyone I met. I can remember from nursery school to high school how I would try to hide or blend in with the crowd. I would hardly talk to anybody for the first half of a school year. Then after I got an overall perspective of who everybody was and who could hurt me or had the potential to hurt me , then I felt comfortable enough to talk. People would say to me “why didn’t you talk before” or some would say “you are like a different person.” The truth was I felt like there were two different people inside of me. The first person was a shy scared little child that felt paralyzed in normal social situations. The second person was a funny outgoing “normal” person. I felt like I was schizophrenic. What made it worse was that I would change schools about every two years. Every aspect of my lifewas affected and not it seems that my marriage is another victim. Lord Jesus I thank you that you love me even when I don’t feel lovable. It doesn’t matter how I feel Your love for me Lord Jesus will never change. I thank you that you are molding me and shaping me into the image of your Son. I’m just starting my long journey to wholeness and Lord I know you will and are delivering me from my bondage of fear and insecurity. I am 41 years old and I just realized that I am a scared three year old child inside. Lord God help me to heal, help me to be secure in you , and help me to be whole. “I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears (Psalms 34:1-4).

"If Grace is an Ocean, We're All Sinking"

3/17/10 Today I ran out of gas again! This is the second time I did this in 2 months. This time I was at church. I was very embarrassed and I lied and said my gas gage was broken. I know I broke the ninth commandment in the church parking lotL. If I told them the truth that I’ve been driving around like that for 2 days now, but I just didn’t have the strength/ambition to pump the gas, they would think I was crazy(maybe I am). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed even with the little things. I’ve been thinking about my wife and trying to see how depressed/pathetic I can be. I think I did a pretty good job HA HA. I just miss her so much!!! I have such a heaviness on my soul. I know Jesus says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Lord Jesus I need rest for my soul! I pray that my marriage will be restored, but it doesn’t look good. I am so fearful that I will lose the best thing that ever happened to me besides salvation. It seems like I get this sinking feeling and I have a hard time pulling myself out. “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31). Lord Jesus forgive me for forgetting that you are always there. I feel like I am all alone, but you said that you will never leave me or forsake me. I’m glad that I serve a God who can do the impossible. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26 ). Lord God I pray that you would touch her heart right now. I pray that you would draw her to you and that you would put people in her life that will direct and guide her. Sometimes I feel like such a retch. The definition of a retch is: make an unsuccessful effort to vomit; strain to vomit. I catch my self self-talking and saying things that are demeaning or abasing of myself. I need to realize it is the enemy that keeps reminding me /speaking in my ear and keeps telling me I am the same and will never change. That was what I used to be. I keep thinking of myself as who I was and not who I am now. I am a new creation and I am no longer under bondage. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I’m reminded of a lyric in a song “If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking” I thank God for His grace. “Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.(Romans 5:20-21)

Vomited Onto Dry Land (Jonah 2:10)

3/15/10 Deuteronomy 7:6 “Of all the people on earth, the Lord your God has chosen you to be his own special treasure.”
This scripture speaks of me being valuable to God. When I think of treasure I think of the ride in Disney World. You get on a boat and go gently down the stream and the you hear the song: “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me”… They are singing of robbing and stealing and drinking while holding the gold in their hands that they plundered. It’s really not an edifing ride. Yet I am reminded of my rebellion even after I became a Christian. I was no better than a common pirate. Robbing and stealing from God in my heart. Trying to hold on to worthless, earthly, shiny idol treasures, thinking that it would make me happy. The reality was that in the kingdom of God, I was producing wood, hay, and stubble. “Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire” (1 Corinthians 3:12-15 ). A lot of the time I was serving the god of this world (1cor 4:4) and not the One true Living God, Jesus Christ. Even when my endeavors seemed to shine as gold or precious jewels, God saw my works. In Revelation, we see Jesus talking to a church that seemed to have it all together. “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth” (Revelation 3:15-16). I was going through the motions and I spoke fluent Christianeeze! I knew the right words to say, the verses in the Bible to turn to, and even the proper reaction to someone else's sin. The problem was while I was taking the speck out of other people's eyes, the plank in my own eye was knocking them over (Matthew 7:1-5). My vision was spiritually hindered and I was hardly able to walk because of the weight on the plank. Until finally the weight was too heavy to hold up and my world came crashing down. I was deceptive, self-serving, and apparently would do anything for my sin, because after many warnings, my beautiful wife, xxxx, left me. In James 1:14-15 “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” I killed my marriage! “ Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction”(Galatians 6:7-8). I was finally thrown into the sea left to drown in my sin. Then “the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow” me up (Jonah 1:17). As I was in the belly of the whale, I cried out to HIM and realized my life was empty. I had been running away from God and my life was a living HELL! “Those who regard worthless idols Forsake their own Mercy. 9 But I will sacrifice to You With the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay what I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD” (Jonah 2:8-9). “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God” (Job 19: 25-26). “10 So the LORD spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land (Jonah 2:10). God has chastened me and put me on the right path. I can say honestly that I am the most right with God that I’ve ever been in my life. Psalms 119:71 “ It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes.” Although I feel I am finally right with God, this doesn’t mean there isn’t consequences for my sin. I still had to deal with the fish guts and smell that was the natural out come of willful disobedience to God. I have great regrets of my failed marriage and wish I would have learned this lesson an easier way. I know whatever the LORD has in store, He keeps telling me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2Corinthians 12:9-10). PRAISE GOD!!!!!

The Promised Land in Eleven Days (Deuteronomy 1:2)

3/13/10 “Normally it takes only eleven days to travel from Mount Sinai to Kadesh-barnea, going by way of Mount Seir” (Deuteronomy 1:2)
This verse reminds me of me. The Israelites could have gone into the promised land in eleven days, but because they didn’t trust God they wondered in the desert for forty years. The Lord spoke to the Israelites and told them to take the land that was promised to them. They sent spies to the land of promise and “This was their report to Moses: “We entered the land you sent us to explore, and it is indeed a bountiful country—a land flowing with milk and honey. Here is the kind of fruit it produces. But the people living there are powerful, and their towns are large and fortified. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak!” (Numbers 13: 27-28) They saw the land that God said He was giving them and they said it was good. The problem was that they saw the giants of the land and became scared. They did not trust God and take Him at his word. They thought that the GIANTS were to big for them and even to big for God. They had forgotten that God had delivered them by parting the Red Sea and letting them walk through on dry land. Moses told them “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."(Exodus 14:14) then after they were safe on the other side God defeated the Egyptian army without any help from the Israelites. In the same way the Lord gave me a promise when I accepted Him as my Lord and savior. Then He gave me a promised land verse. Proverbs 3:5-8 “ Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.” If I would have taken God at his word, I would have saved a lot of time and pain. The problem was that I rewrote the verse to accommodate me. It would read this way “trust is the Lord with SOME of my heart, And LEAN on MY OWN understanding; In SOME OF MY WAYS acknowledge Him, and He MIGHT direct your paths. I WAS WISE IN my own eyes; I FEARED the Lord and DEPARTED FORM MOST evil.” I changed God and made Him into my own image instead of being changed into HIS. I saw the giants of my past and became scared and didn’t take God at His word. The result was that I wandered in a desert of spiritual inconsistency. I toiled for so long and didn’t seem to get anywhere. I went to bible college , helped start a church, and did many other things I thought were Godly. What I should have done was “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you”(Matthew 6: 33). I come to realize that all of my self-seeking toiling left me wandering in the desert and kept me from entering into HIS promised land. Instead of eleven days respectively it took forty years for God to correct my willful disobedience. Hebrews 4:10 -11 “For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world. So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God, as the people of Israel did, we will fall.” Lord God I thank you that I finally have entered into your rest. Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me— now let me rejoice. (Psalms 51:8)

8/12/10 Jesus I’m getting that feeling again!! The feeling of overwhelmingly missing my wife xxxx. I haven’t seen her since may 2009 and that was only for a couple of hours while she was picking up her stuff. I have such a heavy heart knowing that she won’t even see me. She must hate me so much. We barely even talk. If she does call me back after my persistent calling/emails for weeks and I miss the call, that’s it! That counts as a call. I know she wishes I would go away, but that is not going to happen. I pray for her several times a day and that is in additional to the Rejoice Ministries list. I will continually pray until God tells me to stop. What I pray for is this. I pray for forgiveness from her. I know she says she has forgiven me but I don’t think that this is the case. She won’t even talk to me or see me. I also pray that she would not be bitter against GOD. It seems like she walked away from God like she did when she saw the hypocrisy when she went to “Christian college” . She eventually came back and I pray that she will come back again. I also pray for a softening and for a healing of her heart. I pray that she will find joy in the Lord once again. I pray that we will be as one flesh in our marriage covenant. I pray for her general health and that she would have no more headaches/migraines. Her shoulders and back would feel relaxed. I also pray for her new career that is exactly what you want her to do and that she would enjoy it. I pray for her mother for clarity of mind, her father for perseverance and strength, her sister xxxx that she could have a baby, and even for her brother xxx that he will one day accept Jesus as his Lord and savior. I pray blessings on her and her whole family. P.S. I miss her family too!!!(even mother). God I know you hear my prayers and you answer prayers. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Splinters in My Eyes ( Numbers 33:55)

3/11/10 Numbers 33:55 "But if you fail to drive out the people who live in the land, those who remain will be like splinters in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will harass you in the land where you live." I am amazed how much God speaks to me in His word. I feel like He often tells me something and I have a choice to listen or continue in the same destructive path that I am following. It would save me a lot of pain if I would just listen to the Lord. Numbers 33: 55 Speaks of when the Israelites conquer and posses the promised land, that they need to totally drive out the people from that land. The warning from God is that if they don’t get rid of the people, then there possession of the land will be filled with heart ach and spiritual oppression. In the same way God warns me for a reason. He wants me to be obedient . He’s warns me not because he wants me to miss out on something, but because He doesn’t want me to miss out on something. That something is peace and freedom in my heart and mind. My friend Jessie says “ you are letting that sin take up space in your mind.” If sin is taking up space in my mind then there is less space for God. Whatever sin I am dwelling on is effects me both spiritually, mentally, and physically. My whole being is effected when I go against God’s perfect will for my life. I have to get rid of sin myself! God won’t do it for me. God will give me the power to do it, but He will not just take it away( as I would often pray). There is work and responsibility on my part, then God gives me the tools and strength to do it. Doing a simple Concordance word study we see what the words mean in the original language : But if you fail to drive out = to cause to possess or inherit *the people who live =to sit down to marry (give an dwelling to) in the land = space or distance of country (in measurements of distance) those who remain = to excel, show pre-eminence will be like splinters =thorn in your eyes =of mental and spiritual faculties thorns in your sides=thorn, prick They will harass= to bind, tie up, shut up you in the land = whole earth (as opposed to a part) *where you live= to marry (give an dwelling to) If I fail to drive out the sin in my body(land) the sin will possess, sit down, and dwell with me. Then if I let sin remain, it will show pre-eminence in my life. Sin will be like a thorn in my eyes and will effect me mentally and spiritually. I will be harassed and bound by my sin and it will tie me and shut me up. My whole being will be effected by my sinful desires and it will be as if I have become one with sin like in marriage. Lord God I thank you for your word. You are truly “a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” (Psalms 119:105) You are directing me through every aspect of my life, and I know if you are guiding me that you will make my paths straight. I thank you and Love you with all of my heart.

He Will Wipe Every Tear (Revelation 21:4)

3/09/10 Well I made it past my birthday!! I always feel a little sad during my b-day because my father would always tell me every year the same dumb story . He would say “I remember __ years ago and you were so small .We would put you in a drawer for a bed….” He would go on and on and on. I always hated the story until after he died and my birthday came. Then I wanted to hear my birthday story again. I miss it tremendously. I miss my dad, but I know I will see him again.
Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

FRAGILE CLAY JARS (2COR 4:6-7)

3/07/10 Lord Jesus I’m still seeking wisdom for my marriage. I am waiting for you to reveal what my next step should be. James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” Lord I am trusting your word. You have never let me down, although you answer me in your perfect timing and not mine. I know I am not a very patient man and I know through this trial you are refining me. I really need an answer soon please. I’m not sure how much more I can bear. I guess I can take as much as you load on my back. Lord I am totally dependent on you to get me through each day. I feel like I have been at the end of myself for a long time now. Just when I feel like I can’t take it anymore, You give me the strength to carry on. 2 Corinthians 4:6-7 “For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.”

Psalms 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

Lord God please help me, for I am in great distress.
My eyes are swollen with weeping, unable to see.
I languish in utter despair, the storms devour me.
A dark cloud has overtaken my mind.
The winds blow, and I am knocked down.
The ground moves beneath me, I'm unable to stand.
Rain so cold and wet consumes my soul.
Who can stand in such a storm? Torrential is the down pour!
When I try to stand, I stumble to the ground .
When I try to walk, my legs are weak and feeble.
My heart melts within me, my breath escapes.
Heavy are my arms, a weight who can hold?
My throat is parched as I cry out in anguish.
I am exhausted! Lord please deliver me.
Reveal yourself to me, direct my steps.
For I know you delight in every detail of my life.
Help me not to stumble, hold me by the hand.
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
Hide me and preserve me from trouble.
Surround me with your songs of deliverance.

A DEAD STICK? (Numbers 17:8)

3/05/10 Numbers 17:8 "Now it came to pass on the next day that Moses went into the tabernacle of witness, and behold, the rod of Aaron, of the house of Levi, had sprouted and put forth buds, had produced blossoms and yielded ripe almonds." The rod represented in that culture the Israelites’ power and strength. Each leader from the 12 tribes brought their rod to see who was going to be chosen by God to represent Him. There was no doubt in anyone’s mind who God had chosen, because Aaron's rod became a living branch of an almond tree, bearing fruit in three different stages at once-buds, blossoms, and fruit. We see Aaron’s rod a symbol of strength living and alive producing fruit. The other tribes still had there same dead sticks, not productive or showing any signs of life. This reminds me of ME! I was once alive and productive in the work of God. Now I’m writing this Blog to you God and not touching anyone for your kingdom. I am behaving like a self-absorbed non-productive dead stick. I want to produce fruit. I felt disqualified for ministry for so long because I was stuck in my sin. (1 Corinthians 9: 24-27) “Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified.” James 3: 1 “Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged more strictly.” I feel like you are calling back into ministry. God I know I am not prefect and I stumble at times. I want to be like King David when you Lord God said of him “'I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do" (Acts 13:22).David wasn’t perfect, but he always repented and came back to God. Lord guide me and strengthen me for what you want me to do. Lead me by your holy spirit and help me not to be lead by the flesh, but by your spirit. Lord increase my faith!

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN (Exodus 8:8-10)

I was reading through the book of Exodus and it came to the plague of the frogs. When I think of frogs I’m reminded of my youth from sesame street. Kermit the frog was my favorite character. He was funny and I could relate to him. I remember when he sang the song “It’s not easy being green”. I thought even as a child of 4 or 5 years of age that I was like Kermit. I just didn’t fit in with the people that were around me. I wanted to be someone else like a fireman or a dolphin trainer so people would think I was great. As I got older I still had that feeling of wanting to be someone else. No matter what I did I just never felt comfortable in my own skin. I was always trying to fit in and that got me into a lot of trouble. It wasn’t until I became a Christian that I finally started to be happy with who I was. I could relate to the people around me and I felt like I finally found others who were GREEN like me. Then as time went by my feelings of inferiority started to creep back into my mind. I had a thought of being the outsider once again. This time it wasn’t because of the people around me, because they were the same. I came to realize that it was Me. I was the problem not the people around me. I was holding on to some sins of my past and I never truly gave it over to God. “Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and begged, “Plead with the Lord to take the frogs away from me and my people. I will let your people go, so they can offer sacrifices to the Lord.” “You set the time!” Moses replied. “Tell me when you want me to pray for you, your officials, and your people. Then you and your houses will be rid of the frogs. They will remain only in the Nile River.” “Do it tomorrow,” Pharaoh said.” (Exodus 8:8-10) It’s amazing to me that pharaoh is being inflicted with the plague of the frogs ,but he still says get rid the frogs tomorrow. . Isn’t that what I do in my own life? I pray and even beg the Lord to take away a sin of mine, but when the Lord says to me when do you want me to do it? I reply in my heart “Do it tomorrow” . The embarrassing thing is sometimes I enjoy a sin so much and I know it’s wrong and it’s tearing me up inside, but I think of getting rid of that sin after I’m done enjoying it. To quote a famous great philosopher “The sun'll come out Tomorrow, So ya gotta hang on 'Til tomorrow, Come what may Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're always A day A way!” No matter what sin I’m trying to get rid of I need to do it immediately! Without hesitation! Take it captive, resist and give it to God. Because if I keep saying I’ll do it tomorrow, tomorrow will never come because it is always going to be today. 2 Corinthians 10: 3 “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” Went to church tonight. I started crying once again. I’m on that rollercoaster of emotions again. Lord I’m glad you gave me the ability to once again feel. It’s a lot better then the way I once was which was NUMB!!!! I had no emotions no feelings and no life. I just need to get a balance now. Fewer lows would be nice. I’m going to start a prayer list of my friends. Right now I’m praying for rejoice ministries which is a ministry for people who are praying for their broken marriages. There are about 48 names on the list with there pray needs after their name. I think its about time I started praying also for people and friends that I know. Revelation 8:3-4 "Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all the saints, on the golden altar before the throne. The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of the saints, went up before God from the angel's hand." Lord I know you hear my prayers and you care for each and everyone of us who are on the list that are praying for our marriage to be restored. I pray in faith that you will touch each persons heart that we are praying for. I pray for my wife that she will come back to you Lord God. I pray that she would forgive me and that she would not blame you for the problems we were having in our marriage. Draw her back to you Lord what ever it takes!! I know that it might be hard and painful, but I know the pain is nothing compared to the pain of being separated from you.

We can certainly conquer it! (Numbers 13:30 )

3/2/10 Lord I feels like I am a very fearful person lately. I get nervous in crowds and new situations, my confidence is gone. It’s seems like ever since my wife left me I have a hard time making the simplest of decisions. I was reading through the book of Numbers and it came to the part where the Israelites were spying out the land of Canaan. The report of the men was that the land is good, but the enemy(giants) are too great to conquer. “ But Caleb tried to quiet the people as they stood before Moses. “Let’s go at once to take the land,” he said. “We can certainly conquer it!(Numbers 13:30 )” Caleb saw the giants and the fortified cities and believed the promises of God. The promise that God would give Israel the land. Caleb had faith in God not in men. It didn’t matter that what the circumstances were or how impossible it appeared. Caleb believed God PERIOD! He believed his word and he believed his promises. Lord I need help! I see your promises and I am too scared to grab them. I am so fearful and cower in a corner like a scared dog with his tail between his legs. I don’t want to be like this! I want to be a mighty warrior for you Lord Jesus. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I know that “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”(Philippians 4:13) Now that's a promise I want to hold on to!

To Him Who is Able ( Ephesians 3:20-21 )

3/01/10 I cant believe that it is march already. My birthday is coming up soon and I am dreading it. I will be 41 years old on the 8th. I wish I could spend my birthday with my wife xxxx. This will be the first time in 12 years that we are not going to spend it together. I would be so happy even if she would acknowledge it. I doubt that will happen. Every major event since our separation she has been silent (Easter, Christmas, Anniversary ) etc…. I continue to pray for my marriage to be restored. I know all things are possible even though it looks impossible with all outward appearances. Ephesians 3:20-21 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” That verse is xxxx’s favorite verse. It is also one of mine. I do believe that God can do anything. I also believe God can restore my marriage, but the more time that goes by and we are still separated the less hope I have. It’s a good thing God doesn’t measure time the way I do. 2 Peter 3:8 “But, beloved, do not forget this one thing, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” I wish Lord God you would hurry LOL! I laugh to stop myself from crying. Lord I pray right now for the restoration of my marriage. I know in your word that you hate divorce and that what You have put together let no man separate. Mark 10: 9 “let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Lord I call on your promises in faith. I believe you want xxxx and I to be together and I am holding on to that Hope. Hebrews 11: 1 “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”