Friday, July 30, 2010
7/30/10 WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING?
I wouldn’t say that I am the most organized person. I have my own lazy way of organizing things. For instance I have a phone list and important papers in a pile on top of my filing cabinet. I guess I could file them, but I tend to lose things when I try to get organized. I also have a pile of papers of various bible studies and devotionals on top of my computer for when I get inspired to work on them. I think the weirdest of my organizational talents is the plastic ziplock bag that I have on top of my entertainment center. This is where I have my most valuable trinkets. Inside of this bag I have my fathers gold watch with the small dimonds on the face. I also have a large gaudy gold cross fashioned in the shape of two nails and in the middle of it is a dimond ( also my fathers). I have two old fashioned gold pocket watches from my grandfather. Now I am trying to determine WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to store it on my left hand next to my pinky finger. I had been storing it there for almost 13 years and now what do I do? Do I put it with my other trinkets of inside of the ziplock bag? Do I bury it in the sand, throw it in the lake, swallow it, sell it, give it away, melt it and fashion it into something new? WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING??!! It was the symbol of my love and devotion to my wife. Now it seems to be s symbol of failed love. Do I want to keep it around!? Do I want to keep it as a constant reminder of what it used to be or of what it has turned out to be? It was a symbol of promise, a symbol of love, a symbol of devotion, a symbol of security, a symbol of a covenant between a man and wife (to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part). WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING!? I feel like my X-Wife gave up on me. I loved her so much, but I was unable to break loose from my sin. Then when I finally broke free from my sin and have peace in my heart and peace with GOD my divorce became final. The irony of it all is when I finally was able to love and to cherish her, that was when I lost her. WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING? O Lord I thank you that you always hear me and you are my shelter and my strength in times of great despair. Heal my heart Lord Jesus protect me and guide me by your Holy Spirit. I know this divorce did not take you by surprise and that you will work it out for good (Romans 8:28). “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalms 34:17-18).
Thursday, June 17, 2010
6/17/10 20 “I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning”(Lamentations 3:20-22) I read this verse and it made me sad. I grieve my divorce. I grieve the loss of my beloved bride. I grieve the loss of my lover. I grieve the loss of my friend. The thing I learned through this destruction of a marriage is that Truly “the faithful love of the Lord never ends!”. I am thankful for His unfailing love, His chastening hand, His uncompromising word. I have come to understand in a greater way what Romans 8:28 says “that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” I can go down the list of things that happened in my life and see God’s divine will being done even in spite of myself. About three weeks ago my step father receive Jesus as his lord and savior! This last Saturday I had the privilege of helping baptizing him! The eternal perspective of my mom’s death was realized alter my step father got saved! Really all that matters here on earth is where we go after our short layover in the earthly terminal of life. Eternity is our final destination! WILL IT BE SMOKING OR NONSMOKING?!! LIFE OR DEATH?!!HEAVEN OR HELL?!! Does anything else matter? NO!!!! All that matters is that we will be with Jesus one day in heaven for all eternity. I’m not sure how God is going “to work together for the good” my divorce, but I know for certain He will. “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely”(1 Corinthians 13:12).
Saturday, June 12, 2010
6/12/10 I was thinking about new beginnings and how hard and scary it is. I was thinking about my name and how it has changed over the years. My first name is Joseph. When I was growing up my friends and family called me Joey and then when I was about 30 I wanted people to call me Joe. Once I turned 40 years old I told the new people I met that my name is Joseph. Now whenever someone calls my name I can tell how long someone has known me by what name they call me. If they call me Joey they knew me before I was 30. If they call me Joe they met me when I was between 30 and 40 years old and if they call me Joseph they are new friends 40 years and up LOL! I never thought of this until now it’s kind of funny. I took my birth name Joseph because I felt like I wanted to start new in my life. I have made a lot of mistakes in life and I wanted to start a new life the way Jesus wanted me to do it and I thought this would be a good way to commemorate my new life with a new commitment to God and the way he wants me to live. The name Joey means baby kangaroo. It is a nick name given to a child. “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things(1Corinthians 13:11).I call this part of my life my prepubescents period. Then my name changed to Joe which is a name mainly attributed to an adult male. I may have looked and talked like a man, but I had a lot of growing up to do spiritually. I went from not knowing anything about God and the bible to over flowing head knowledge which had no application in my life. I would attribute this part of my life as the adolescence phase. So when times got hard and life happened I wasn’t mature enough to keep myself from drowning. I had a lot of head knowledge, but no heart knowledge. This part of my life I picture myself in the parable of the sower when it talks about the different seeds and how people receive the word of God. I was like the “seed sown on rocky place”(Mark 4:16). I heard the word and at once I received it with joy, but since I had no roots, I lasted only a short time. When troubles or persecutions came, I quickly fell away. Then finally I changed my name to Joseph which means “The Lord will increase This is why I am named Joseph now. I want the Lord to increase my faith and increase my devotion and willingness to serve him and live a good and pure life..” I call this phase of my life adult hood. It wasn’t easy in this stage of my life. It was agonizingly painful! “Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks.” But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” So He said to him, “What is your name?” He said, “Jacob.” And He said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed”(Genesis 32:24-28) I think I’m going to keep this name until Jesus gives me my new name. “…To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it(Revelation 2:17).
Thursday, June 10, 2010
6/10/10 One dollar and twenty-two cents! That’s how much it cost for me to send the final divorce papers to xxxx. I felt numb when I walked into the post office. It felt almost like a funeral march. I went up to the counter gave her the envelope and she said “one dollar and twenty-two cents”. I gave her a five and she gave me the change and I looked at her and said “is that it?” and she said yes. Then I walked away. I felt like something else should have happened when I gave her the envelope. It seemed too easy for a life changing event. Now what do I do? I could say that I feel lost, but I’ve felt lost for quite sometime now. I have friends who want to set me up on a date and some of the women are quite beautiful. I don’t think I can take it right now. I do feel lonely sometimes. It’s not the same loneliness I felt before when I would go through my outer-darkness-inexpressible-overwhelming-inconsolable-paralyzing-loneliness! I would imagine it’s the same feeling of being separated from God for all eternity. The thing was I was separating myself from God through my sinful disobedience. I don’t feel that way anymore! I feel “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding”(Philippians 4:7). Even through the death of my mother and this divorce I still have peace. I was thinking the other day that I should feel worse then I do, but God has given me peace in my heart. I have never felt like this before. Even as a child I’ve always had some kind of turmoil brewing in my heart. Now it’s gone. I finally feel like I am healing. I finally feel like I’m a whole person and not two people fighting and warring against each other. I feel like I touch hem of garment of Jesus and the power of God is healing me. “And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over”(Mark 5:34). I asked earlier “now what?” I don’t know, but in a way it’s kind of scary and exciting. God is going to do something and He has been refining me and building me up “ For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him (Philippians 2:13).
Sunday, June 6, 2010
6/06/10 I think I need to eat healthier. I just brought home 16 pieces of fried chicken from Publix(it was a good deal). I just don’t have the ambition to cook, so the easiest cheapest thing I can pick up from the store was fried chicken. I probably eat fried chicken 2x a week. You would think I would be as big as a house by now but I’m about 25lbs lighter then I was a year ago. I guess it is because of all that healthy eating, or the lack of eating the first 6 months of my separation. I spoke to my wife xxxx(soon to be X). It was a good conversation and probably for the first time I really felt like my marriage will soon be over. We joked around and I am still even after all the turmoil about the divorce able to make her laugh( makes me feel good). Maybe we can be friends one day? I will always love her and she will always be my bride. I don’t think it is God’s will that we get a divorce but, I know that often God uses our disobediences to further his kingdom. “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose(Romans 8:28). Even in our failures God uses it for His glory. It’s funny when someone is a Christian they are able to able to call their (failures/disobedience/sin) a testimony! “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes” (Psalm 119:71). This is because they give glory to God for changing/cleansing/correcting them. Maybe a better word for testimony could be called “friendly fire”. I say this because almost always our testimony has hurt someone else. I know sin “friendly fire” has killed my marriage and I am deeply sorry for that. XXXX was a great wife who sacrificially gave of herself until there was no more to give. Her final gift to me was that she left me. Without her leaving I probably would be still stuck in my sin. I only wish there could have been another way!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
6/03/10 I feel real needy. I just coming to the realization that I will be single again. God I hate this! I hate the feeling of uncertainty the feeling of insecurity. I miss the comfort of my wife. It’s funny why should I feel like I’m going to miss her more when we get divorced? It’s not like I’ve seen her and I have hardly talked to her. I guess I’m going to miss the HOPE of one day being reunited with xxxx. Now it feels hopeless! For some reason I just can’t grasp the concept of me not being with her one day. This feeling is worse then the loss of my mother! I don’t understand it! People get divorced and remarry and go on with their lives. I will never get another mother, I’ve known her my whole life she raised me took care of me and yet I morn my impending divorce with much more grief and sorrow. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
I guess it’s the ripping apart of one flesh and creating two halves of a torn up mangled body. I feel beaten and bloody almost lifeless. I know God can and will heal me, but I know I will always have the scars as a reminder of my past failures. I feel like damaged goods! I feel sorry for the next woman that get involved with me. (I just got a scripture come to mind.) Ezekiel 37:1-3“The hand of the LORD came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord GOD, You know.” I am always amazed how you always answer me in my troubles. “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow” (Hebrews 4:12). When I am in despair You comfort me. Thank you Jesus for caring and loving me like a son. “Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the LORD.” Ezekiel 37:5-6 :~)
Monday, May 31, 2010
5/31/10 I spoke to xxxx yesterday. I had asked her to pray one last time and seek the lord to see if she really wants to go through with the divorce (this was about a month ago). She said that she had prayed and that she is not coming back. So I am going to sign the papers for the divorce. I don’t think that this is Gods will, but I don’t know what else to do! I finally got conformation to my prayer about if God was going to restore my marriage or not about a month ago (James 1:5)I have been praying for this for over a year and I finally got an answer. I was just resisting what God was saying to me because I didn’t like what He said. I got my answer when I was reading in 2 Samuel 12. It’s the story when Nathan the prophet came to David and told the parable of the poor man who had one lamb whom he loved and a rich man took the lamb from the poor man in order to feed his guests. David said after hearing Nathan’s story that this person should be put to death. VS 7 “Then Nathan said to David, "You are the man!” He was referring to David about the adulterous affair with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah her husband in order to cover it up. “Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." Nathan replied, "The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die” (2 Samuel 12:13). I felt like God was speaking to my heart in an almost audible way saying “although you are forgiven for what you have done there is still a consequence for your sin.” The consequence for my sin is that my marriage is going to die. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption”(Galatians 6:7-8). Now I am reaping the harvest of the seeds I have planted throughout my marriage. I understand why xxxx won’t take me back and that she will always have on her mind if I am going to hurt her again and she just can’t/won’t take that chance. “After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died"(2 Samuel 12:15-18). I have prayed diligently, fasted, seeked God with all my heart, and grown closer to God then I have ever thought possible. I know without a doubt in my mind that God’s ways are perfect and “that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”(Roman’s 8:28). I know God will bring out of this circumstance something good and I believe he already has. My prayer right now is for xxxx and that God “will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten”(Joel 2:25). Touch her heart Lord and make her stronger, happier, and full of your loving-kindness. I know you have a plan for her life just like you have for me. Draw her back to you Lord. Amen! The picture I posted is of the moon the last night I saw XXXX.