6/03/10 I feel real needy. I just coming to the realization that I will be single again. God I hate this! I hate the feeling of uncertainty the feeling of insecurity. I miss the comfort of my wife. It’s funny why should I feel like I’m going to miss her more when we get divorced? It’s not like I’ve seen her and I have hardly talked to her. I guess I’m going to miss the HOPE of one day being reunited with xxxx. Now it feels hopeless! For some reason I just can’t grasp the concept of me not being with her one day. This feeling is worse then the loss of my mother! I don’t understand it! People get divorced and remarry and go on with their lives. I will never get another mother, I’ve known her my whole life she raised me took care of me and yet I morn my impending divorce with much more grief and sorrow. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
I guess it’s the ripping apart of one flesh and creating two halves of a torn up mangled body. I feel beaten and bloody almost lifeless. I know God can and will heal me, but I know I will always have the scars as a reminder of my past failures. I feel like damaged goods! I feel sorry for the next woman that get involved with me. (I just got a scripture come to mind.) Ezekiel 37:1-3“The hand of the LORD came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord GOD, You know.” I am always amazed how you always answer me in my troubles. “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow” (Hebrews 4:12). When I am in despair You comfort me. Thank you Jesus for caring and loving me like a son. “Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the LORD.” Ezekiel 37:5-6 :~)
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I think what you are feeling is very natural for going through a divorce. It's painful no matter what. And it should be. The fact that you are experiencing it should give you some comfort that you did/do truly love her. I can remember not being able to eat when I went through my divorce. It was so traumatizing. The loneliness was awful but I learned quickly not to stay shut up in the house. I hope you will do the same and get out and about. It will be good for you. I know you've said you haven't been together for a long while but finalizing things in itself is traumatic. It hurts. Just keep yourself busy and in the Word, you will be just fine. Easy for me to say, yeah, but I've been there. Just keep yourself grounded in your faith and don't let it go no matter what.
ReplyDeleteAND Mister, no more talking bad about yourself okay? No more. You are not damaged goods, EVER EVER EVER. God does not make junk and His stuff doesn't get junky. Sometimes we do junky things, okay yes we do. But we have forgiveness and redemption to wash us clean. Do you know the song Ocean Floor?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y281553XUAA
After your beach post I thought of this song in relation to you. I am a music person, I relate a lot to music...but this is a great one. Hope you listen to it. Don't you just hate those stupid google ads now on you tube? UGH. I wish they'd cut those out. So annoying. Anyhow, Proverbs tells us plenty and the book of James about speaking God's truth over your life and how it affects your health and your well being. The power of life and death are in the tongue. You know?
If you really want to truly be a better man and a wonderful husband someday then God will do that with you. Notice I said with and not for. It takes both of you and a measure of faith on your part. You need to believe you are what His word says you are. He can transform the worst of us, look at Saul/Paul! What a jerk that Saul was and one visit with Jesus changed everything.
My exhusband said he could never go through something as painful as our divorce again but he did not have God in his life. He remains pretty much unchanged even though he swore to me he would change. And he is repeatedly in and out of relationships for the last 17 years. A guy who used to work for me was one of the most hardened criminals. He was on the F.B.I. most wanted list for a long time. He made a living in drugs, prostitution and strip clubs. He was a violent man. He has had people killed even. When I came to know him he was the most gentle God fearing man you can imagine. He treated his wife with loving respect, he cared for her and spoke of her always with great affection and admiration. He was a wonderful father. He never ever hesitated to spread the gospel. Many times I walked in on him in the produce cooler praying a salvation prayer with a fellow employee. Jesus completely transformed his life and that man never wasted a single day to love someone. He was so grateful that he could be a changed man. I tell you the story of these two men to show you something. One has the Lord and the other one doesn't. And the the one who let himself be cleansed, who let go of the guilt, is the much more worthy and honorable man. That man can also be you. It is you. I want you to know that. I hope you know that.
I joined a gym to help me too. Exercise does something to the brain they say. Makes you feel good. I joined a bowling league too. I can't bowl worth a poo but I made a lot of great friends. Bowlers are fun. They have Christian bowling leagues too which is great. Try to keep busy.
I still pray for you daily. Still so sorry about the loss of your mom. My mom is hanging on the poor sweet thing. My dad and I feel like we are a part of the nursing staff at Kennestone Hospital. You know, 'cause we are always there. It's hard but I know God is holding tight onto you. I promise everything is going to be okay.
Jenn