WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING?

7/30/10 WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING?
I wouldn’t say that I am the most organized person. I have my own lazy way of organizing things. For instance I have a phone list and important papers in a pile on top of my filing cabinet. I guess I could file them, but I tend to lose things when I try to get organized. I also have a pile of papers of various bible studies and devotionals on top of my computer for when I get inspired to work on them. I think the weirdest of my organizational talents is the plastic ziplock bag that I have on top of my entertainment center. This is where I have my most valuable trinkets. Inside of this bag I have my fathers gold watch with the small dimonds on the face. I also have a large gaudy gold cross fashioned in the shape of two nails and in the middle of it is a dimond ( also my fathers). I have two old fashioned gold pocket watches from my grandfather. Now I am trying to determine WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to store it on my left hand next to my pinky finger. I had been storing it there for almost 13 years and now what do I do? Do I put it with my other trinkets of inside of the ziplock bag? Do I bury it in the sand, throw it in the lake, swallow it, sell it, give it away, melt it and fashion it into something new? WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING??!! It was the symbol of my love and devotion to my wife. Now it seems to be s symbol of failed love. Do I want to keep it around!? Do I want to keep it as a constant reminder of what it used to be or of what it has turned out to be? It was a symbol of promise, a symbol of love, a symbol of devotion, a symbol of security, a symbol of a covenant between a man and wife (to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part). WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING!? I feel like my X-Wife gave up on me. I loved her so much, but I was unable to break loose from my sin. Then when I finally broke free from my sin and have peace in my heart and peace with GOD my divorce became final. The irony of it all is when I finally was able to love and to cherish her, that was when I lost her. WHAT DO I DO WITH THE RING? O Lord I thank you that you always hear me and you are my shelter and my strength in times of great despair. Heal my heart Lord Jesus protect me and guide me by your Holy Spirit. I know this divorce did not take you by surprise and that you will work it out for good (Romans 8:28). “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalms 34:17-18).

The faithful love of the Lord never ends! (Lam 3:22)

6/17/10 20 “I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning”(Lamentations 3:20-22) I read this verse and it made me sad. I grieve my divorce. I grieve the loss of my beloved bride. I grieve the loss of my lover. I grieve the loss of my friend. The thing I learned through this destruction of a marriage is that Truly “the faithful love of the Lord never ends!”. I am thankful for His unfailing love, His chastening hand, His uncompromising word. I have come to understand in a greater way what Romans 8:28 says “that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” I can go down the list of things that happened in my life and see God’s divine will being done even in spite of myself. About three weeks ago my step father receive Jesus as his lord and savior! This last Saturday I had the privilege of helping baptizing him! The eternal perspective of my mom’s death was realized alter my step father got saved! Really all that matters here on earth is where we go after our short layover in the earthly terminal of life. Eternity is our final destination! WILL IT BE SMOKING OR NONSMOKING?!! LIFE OR DEATH?!!HEAVEN OR HELL?!! Does anything else matter? NO!!!! All that matters is that we will be with Jesus one day in heaven for all eternity. I’m not sure how God is going “to work together for the good” my divorce, but I know for certain He will. “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely”(1 Corinthians 13:12).

Seed Sown on Rocky Place (Mark 4:16)

6/12/10 I was thinking about new beginnings and how hard and scary it is. I was thinking about my name and how it has changed over the years. My first name is Joseph. When I was growing up my friends and family called me Joey and then when I was about 30 I wanted people to call me Joe. Once I turned 40 years old I told the new people I met that my name is Joseph. Now whenever someone calls my name I can tell how long someone has known me by what name they call me. If they call me Joey they knew me before I was 30. If they call me Joe they met me when I was between 30 and 40 years old and if they call me Joseph they are new friends 40 years and up LOL! I never thought of this until now it’s kind of funny. I took my birth name Joseph because I felt like I wanted to start new in my life. I have made a lot of mistakes in life and I wanted to start a new life the way Jesus wanted me to do it and I thought this would be a good way to commemorate my new life with a new commitment to God and the way he wants me to live. The name Joey means baby kangaroo. It is a nick name given to a child. “When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things(1Corinthians 13:11).I call this part of my life my prepubescents period. Then my name changed to Joe which is a name mainly attributed to an adult male. I may have looked and talked like a man, but I had a lot of growing up to do spiritually. I went from not knowing anything about God and the bible to over flowing head knowledge which had no application in my life. I would attribute this part of my life as the adolescence phase. So when times got hard and life happened I wasn’t mature enough to keep myself from drowning. I had a lot of head knowledge, but no heart knowledge. This part of my life I picture myself in the parable of the sower when it talks about the different seeds and how people receive the word of God. I was like the “seed sown on rocky place”(Mark 4:16). I heard the word and at once I received it with joy, but since I had no roots, I lasted only a short time. When troubles or persecutions came, I quickly fell away. Then finally I changed my name to Joseph which means “The Lord will increase This is why I am named Joseph now. I want the Lord to increase my faith and increase my devotion and willingness to serve him and live a good and pure life..” I call this phase of my life adult hood. It wasn’t easy in this stage of my life. It was agonizingly painful! “Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks.” But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” So He said to him, “What is your name?” He said, “Jacob.” And He said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed”(Genesis 32:24-28) I think I’m going to keep this name until Jesus gives me my new name. “…To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it(Revelation 2:17).

Your Suffering Is Over (Mark 5:34)

6/10/10 One dollar and twenty-two cents! That’s how much it cost for me to send the final divorce papers to xxxx. I felt numb when I walked into the post office. It felt almost like a funeral march. I went up to the counter gave her the envelope and she said “one dollar and twenty-two cents”. I gave her a five and she gave me the change and I looked at her and said “is that it?” and she said yes. Then I walked away. I felt like something else should have happened when I gave her the envelope. It seemed too easy for a life changing event. Now what do I do? I could say that I feel lost, but I’ve felt lost for quite sometime now. I have friends who want to set me up on a date and some of the women are quite beautiful. I don’t think I can take it right now. I do feel lonely sometimes. It’s not the same loneliness I felt before when I would go through my outer-darkness-inexpressible-overwhelming-inconsolable-paralyzing-loneliness! I would imagine it’s the same feeling of being separated from God for all eternity. The thing was I was separating myself from God through my sinful disobedience. I don’t feel that way anymore! I feel “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding”(Philippians 4:7). Even through the death of my mother and this divorce I still have peace. I was thinking the other day that I should feel worse then I do, but God has given me peace in my heart. I have never felt like this before. Even as a child I’ve always had some kind of turmoil brewing in my heart. Now it’s gone. I finally feel like I am healing. I finally feel like I’m a whole person and not two people fighting and warring against each other. I feel like I touch hem of garment of Jesus and the power of God is healing me. “And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over”(Mark 5:34). I asked earlier “now what?” I don’t know, but in a way it’s kind of scary and exciting. God is going to do something and He has been refining me and building me up “ For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him (Philippians 2:13).

Friendly Fire

6/06/10 I think I need to eat healthier. I just brought home 16 pieces of fried chicken from Publix(it was a good deal). I just don’t have the ambition to cook, so the easiest cheapest thing I can pick up from the store was fried chicken. I probably eat fried chicken 2x a week. You would think I would be as big as a house by now but I’m about 25lbs lighter then I was a year ago. I guess it is because of all that healthy eating, or the lack of eating the first 6 months of my separation. I spoke to my wife xxxx(soon to be X). It was a good conversation and probably for the first time I really felt like my marriage will soon be over. We joked around and I am still even after all the turmoil about the divorce able to make her laugh( makes me feel good). Maybe we can be friends one day? I will always love her and she will always be my bride. I don’t think it is God’s will that we get a divorce but, I know that often God uses our disobediences to further his kingdom. “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose(Romans 8:28). Even in our failures God uses it for His glory. It’s funny when someone is a Christian they are able to able to call their (failures/disobedience/sin) a testimony! “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes” (Psalm 119:71). This is because they give glory to God for changing/cleansing/correcting them. Maybe a better word for testimony could be called “friendly fire”. I say this because almost always our testimony has hurt someone else. I know sin “friendly fire” has killed my marriage and I am deeply sorry for that. XXXX was a great wife who sacrificially gave of herself until there was no more to give. Her final gift to me was that she left me. Without her leaving I probably would be still stuck in my sin. I only wish there could have been another way!

Can these bones live? (Ezekiel 37:1-6)

6/03/10 I feel real needy. I just coming to the realization that I will be single again. God I hate this! I hate the feeling of uncertainty the feeling of insecurity. I miss the comfort of my wife. It’s funny why should I feel like I’m going to miss her more when we get divorced? It’s not like I’ve seen her and I have hardly talked to her. I guess I’m going to miss the HOPE of one day being reunited with xxxx. Now it feels hopeless! For some reason I just can’t grasp the concept of me not being with her one day. This feeling is worse then the loss of my mother! I don’t understand it! People get divorced and remarry and go on with their lives. I will never get another mother, I’ve known her my whole life she raised me took care of me and yet I morn my impending divorce with much more grief and sorrow. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
I guess it’s the ripping apart of one flesh and creating two halves of a torn up mangled body. I feel beaten and bloody almost lifeless. I know God can and will heal me, but I know I will always have the scars as a reminder of my past failures. I feel like damaged goods! I feel sorry for the next woman that get involved with me. (I just got a scripture come to mind.) Ezekiel 37:1-3“The hand of the LORD came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord GOD, You know.” I am always amazed how you always answer me in my troubles. “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow” (Hebrews 4:12). When I am in despair You comfort me. Thank you Jesus for caring and loving me like a son. “Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the LORD.” Ezekiel 37:5-6 :~)

"You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

5/31/10 I spoke to xxxx yesterday. I had asked her to pray one last time and seek the lord to see if she really wants to go through with the divorce (this was about a month ago). She said that she had prayed and that she is not coming back. So I am going to sign the papers for the divorce. I don’t think that this is Gods will, but I don’t know what else to do! I finally got conformation to my prayer about if God was going to restore my marriage or not about a month ago (James 1:5)I have been praying for this for over a year and I finally got an answer. I was just resisting what God was saying to me because I didn’t like what He said. I got my answer when I was reading in 2 Samuel 12. It’s the story when Nathan the prophet came to David and told the parable of the poor man who had one lamb whom he loved and a rich man took the lamb from the poor man in order to feed his guests. David said after hearing Nathan’s story that this person should be put to death. VS 7 “Then Nathan said to David, "You are the man!” He was referring to David about the adulterous affair with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah her husband in order to cover it up. “Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." Nathan replied, "The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die” (2 Samuel 12:13). I felt like God was speaking to my heart in an almost audible way saying “although you are forgiven for what you have done there is still a consequence for your sin.” The consequence for my sin is that my marriage is going to die. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption”(Galatians 6:7-8). Now I am reaping the harvest of the seeds I have planted throughout my marriage. I understand why xxxx won’t take me back and that she will always have on her mind if I am going to hurt her again and she just can’t/won’t take that chance. “After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died"(2 Samuel 12:15-18). I have prayed diligently, fasted, seeked God with all my heart, and grown closer to God then I have ever thought possible. I know without a doubt in my mind that God’s ways are perfect and “that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”(Roman’s 8:28). I know God will bring out of this circumstance something good and I believe he already has. My prayer right now is for xxxx and that God “will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten”(Joel 2:25). Touch her heart Lord and make her stronger, happier, and full of your loving-kindness. I know you have a plan for her life just like you have for me. Draw her back to you Lord. Amen! The picture I posted is of the moon the last night I saw XXXX.

5/28/10 I finally have some good news. My new dad in trying to figure out how much debt was my moms and how much was his we got it all figured out now. The news is that instead of a monthly bill of over $1,300 and month on Credit cards it turns out that 4 out of the 5 cards were my mothers cards. So now his monthly bill is less then $200 a month. I feel so happy for him and it relieves a lot of stress on him and on me. I do however feel a little resentment towards him for having her have all the debt, but I guess their philosophy still rings true that everything is going to turn out ok.! I hope he learns from this.

LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING (Proverbs 3:5-8)

5/26/10 I went back to work for the first time after my mom had died. It went a lot better then I thought it would. I did have periods of sadness, but work helps me to think of other people other then dwelling on my own circumstances. I’m worried about my “new dad”. I call him my new dad rather then step dad because I feel like it’s more intimate and he thinks it’s funny:@) My mom and new dad had the philosophy of “everything is going to workout”. So when my mom died the family wanted to make sure he was going to be fine and when we looked @ the finances we realized that they had 49,000 in credit card debt. Both were on social security not making much. Now that mom is dead her income is now gone and he has to live on half. This makes the family nervous. If he couldn’t live on both incomes how will he live on one?! So we are gently guiding him and we are starting to cut the fat. He can make it if he keeps a budget, but we are not sure this is going to work because he is 69yrs old and always lived a care free life style. I’m doing a lot of praying for him and hope he understands the seriousness of it (I think he does). To kind of change the subject when I was at work I was asked to fill out an emergency contact form. Then I thought about it :( I would always put my wife on the form then I put my mom but now? I feel like I have no body. I guess I could put my new dad but… I just feel like I am all alone. Am I an orphan now? It’s a strange feeling. I know God is always there and I can talk to Him whenever I want but… I just feel lost. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones”(Proverbs 3:5-8). This is my life verse and I don’t understand what I am supposed to do. So I am going to keep on acknowledging HIM and trust that He will direct me. "Be still, and know that I am God”(Psalm 46:10). I’m not sure what God wants me to learn from this, but I know He has a plan.

My Yoke is Easy (Matthew 11:30)

5/23/10 8:30pm I am feeling very needy right now! It is exactly 7 days to the minuet that I found out that my mom died! I miss her so much. I was feeling bad earlier this week and I thought for a couple of seconds that I was going to call my mom to talk about it and then I remembered (that stinker). I don’t know what to do lord. I’m having a bad year. I guess it could be worse, but I’m not exactly sure how. Lord please help me . Help me to focus on you. I feel like I want beer!! What I really want is to put my head on xxxx’s lap and have her rub my head and say everything’s going to be alright while I fall asleep. It’s not going to happen! Ever! I was trying to call some of my friends, but no one answered. Isn’t it strange that I go to my friends first and not you Lord Jesus? Sometime I forget that you are always with me and that you will never leave me or forsake me. Right now I feel that overwhelming-dark-depressive-inescapable-loneliness again. Jesus help me please! Talk to me comfort me fill me I feel so empty. The morning after my mom died I went to the beach to see the sunrise, but it was so cloudy that I couldn’t see the sun. As I sat there waiting it started to rain and it felt good. I felt like God was cleansing me and that He was going to make all things new. I don’t know what you have in store for me Lord God, but what I do know is that you allow things to happen so I can grow stronger. What’s that saying “what ever doesn’t kill you…” After I was about to leave the beach I looked out over the water and I had missed the sunrise, but God gave me the most incredible view of the sun just peeking through the clouds. I could see the rays of light hitting the ocean. It was so beautiful. When my father died my mom would call me and tell me how the sun beams reminded her of my father. She said it felt like he was telling her that everything is going to be OK.. Now I see the beams, but I don’t think it’s my mom telling me I’m going to be ok. I feel like God is speaking to me. I feel like He is telling me to wait and "Be still, and know that I am God”(Psalm 46:10).
Living here in Florida I noticed that when a hurricane or a large storm comes a lot of tree get knocked down. What I rarely see is a palm tree knocked over. The palm tree isn’t the strongest tree, and yet it rarely get knocked over. Why is that? I think I know why. It is because a palm tree has a long trunk and at the top it has its branches. When the strong storms comes and the pressure of the wind blows on the palm tree and the pressure gets to great the tree simply releases it’s branches and it becomes a bare stick. The wind blows and blows, but the palm tree has very little resistance to the pressures of the wind. So the wind goes whizzing by and the tree is spared and remains standing. It may look bare and lifeless but inside it is waiting for the storm to pass so it can grow again. May I be like the palm tree Lord. May I not resist the storms of life that will eventually pass. May I not lose perspective in that you are the one who allows the storms to come. May I be like the palm tree and when the pressures of life come and try to knock me down may I release all my troubles and pressures to You Lord Jesus. You say in your word “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"(Matthew 11:30). I give you my burden right now please lighten my load.

I know that my Redeemer lives ( Job 19:25-27)

5/22/10 My mom when she was 60 years old said she wanted to get a scooter. When she said scooter I thought she meant like a Hoveround scooter that you see on TV or the kind you see people use on the streets with an engine. That wasn’t what she was talking about. She was talking about a scooter that you see 10 year old girls riding. The kind that you have one foot on the base of the machine and with the other foot you push on the ground in order to make it move. After I tried to convince her not to buy a scooter stating the various arguments of danger and general craziness. I went over her house one day to visit and I couldn’t fined her. The door was unlocked the car was in the driveway, but she was nowhere to be found. Then as I looked out the window and I saw my mom scooting past. I went outside and there she was scooting through her 55 or older retirement community. When she saw me she said she will be right back and she scooted away. 20 minuets later she comes back with a bag on the front handle bars with a half gallon of milk that she had gotten from the grocery store a half mile away. I said to her “ mom you can’t do this” she said “ why not” I said “because you look like a crazy woman” and she said “I don’t care”. This is just one example of many that describes my mother. I am often told I am just like her. My mom died on May 16, 2010 from a heart attack at the age of 64. I will miss her so much! “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” (Job 19:25-27) I know my mom is heaven with Jesus right now “We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). I am confident of her being in heaven because when I was sick with cancer I received Jesus as my personal savior. After six months of taking me to church and seeing the change in me my mom accepted Jesus as her personal savior and then after about six months my dad also received Jesus as his Lord and savior. “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”(Romans 8:28). Cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me. What seemed at the time to be a complete tragedy God in His sovereign wisdom knew what it would take to get my attention, my mom’s attention, and my dad’s. Now I have the promise of being with Jesus one day, my mom is with Jesus and my dad is with Jesus. I’m not sure what good will come out of my mom’s death, but I know that God does and He has a plan. “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine”(Isaiah 55:8).

Pain is weakness leaving the body

5/16/10 Lately I’ve been at a loss for words to write. I feel like I’m repeating the same themes over and over again. I just want to move on with my life. When am I going to learn the truths that God has already revealed to me? Do I have to feel it to learn it? Do I always have to learn through fiery trials and pain? I saw a shirt while I was at the gym and it read “Pain is weakness leaving the body”. Lord I feel like I’ve been through a lot of pain in my life. I do feel stronger then I have ever felt before. I know you are not a God who wants me to stay still, but I feel tired. I find that when I feel strong, when I feel like I just want to rest and relax this is when I am the most vulnerable. Then I don’t pursue You O Lord with the same vigor. I start slipping back to my old ways and go into cruise control. I should probably replace CRUISE CONTROL with SIN CONTROL. I find that when I go into this mode it is because I am not continually moving towards You and holiness. If I’m not moving forward towards You Lord Jesus, then I am moving backwards. The word “backwards” when translated from English to christianese is called “backslidden”. Paul gives the perfect words that were specifically written for me in the book of Galatians. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up”(Galatians 6:9). May I continually move forward towards You and holiness. “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light”(Matthew 11:28-30)

“Behold, I make all things new” (Rev. 21:5)

5/13/10 “Behold, I make all things new”(Rev. 21:5).
I’ve been doing a step study at church for about 10 months now. I was doing the forth step and it is “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”. As I made this list I started to feel condemned. I felt so awful looking at the list of things I have done in my past and I was overwhelmed with grief! I started doing that self talk thing I do so well Like “YOU ARE SUCH A PIG!” This is one of my favorite self-defeating sayings that I like to say to myself. There are others, but this is my favorite one. Then I went to the step study and I was reminded that the list I made is a list of who I was and NOT WHO I AM! “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new”(2 Corinthians 5:17). I am a new creation and I am never going back to the old man. “We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him”(Romans 6:6-8). Praise God!!!!!

You Keep Track of All My Sorrows(Psalm 56:8)

I drove by the first place xxxx and I had our first date today. It wasn’t on purpose , but as I drove I knew it was coming up. I didn’t feel sad when I saw it, I kinda felt a little good. I guess I was feeling the fond memories and not the loss that I’m feeling right now. Our first date was going to go and watch a boat parade but it was already over or it was on a different day then we had thought. It really didn’t matter because we walked together and talked and I felt so comfortable. She was wearing a jean dress and I remember I thought she was so beautiful. I couldn’t believe that someone like her would go out with me. She was smart, pretty, funny (still is) and she thought I was funny. We walked by the water and down Las Olas blvd where there were upscale shops and restaurants. We went through the stores joked around and had a good time just enjoying each other. We ended up at a restaurant called Mangos. There was a blues band playing and it was so nice. I felt uncomfortable sitting face to face with this beautiful woman and I felt a little tongue-tied. I remember thinking to my self “don’t say anything stupid” which was my usual Modus operandi. I tend to ramble on and on until I say something that may be a little odd or just one of those “why did I say that “ moments. For the most part I think I did pretty good(at least she didn’t say anything). Why do I write this? I don’t know! I was thinking about it and this is what came out. I guess I feel a little nostalgic for the days when things seemed so easy and care free. When I had a clean slate with nothing bad was written on it. No dumb comments that would haunt me for years. No hurtful actions .It was all new fresh and full of promise. The touch of her hand would make me shake inside and my heart felt like it would burst with joy. Now my heart feels like it’s going to burst, but not for joy. Will this ever end? Will this great loss I am feeling eventually subside? It feels worse then when my dad died. It feels worse then when I had cancer. I can’t describe it but sometimes I feel like I’m dying. I know one day I will feel better yada yada yada! I think I just want to be in my poor-me-pity-party. I have so much to be thankful for, but at this moment I think I’ll just pray a little and cry a little. Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

Here am I. Send me! (Isaiah 6:8)

5/09/10 Yesterday morning I went to a meeting to be a small group facilitator for Celebrate Recovery. I have been going for about 11 months now and one of the leaders asked me if I would like to come for some training. It was a good meeting ( I think) but I’m not sure how much I got out of it because I came after my 12 hour shift that night 7pm-7am and the meeting went till 11am. I was a little tired!!!! I know God is leading me in that direction for now. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God (2cor 1:3-4). I was thinking the other day that I would like to buy a house. As I thought about it I realized that God might not want me to stay where I am. He might move me to another part of the country and I want to be open to whatever God has planned for me. “As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him (Mark 1:16-18). I am open to what ever you want me to do LORD. I know lately you have been telling me to wait, to be patient, to "Be still, and know that I am God(Psalm 46:10). I don’t want to do anything that is self motivated I want to do what You want me to do. “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

You Hear My Voice(Psalm 5:3)

5/06/10 “In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation”(Psalm 5:3). O Lord I thank you that you hear every prayer and groaning from my mouth. I know you hear and care for me far beyond what I am even able to comprehend. I have been praying for my marriage and I know you are going to answer this week. I asked XXXX to please pray one last time before we make a final decision to end our marriage. I pray that you speak to her in a mighty way! I pray that even if she does not pray as she said she would that you would awaken her in her sleep. Reveal your will Sovereign LORD. May You speak clearly and precisely to her heart so that there is no denying what your will is for our marriage. I thank you and praise you in Your Son Jesus’ name.

Do Nothing Out of Selfish Ambition (Phil 2:3)

5/03/10 Well another day another trial! What’s going on here! I just don’t think I can take anymore LORD. Today my mother went into the hospital because she feeling very weak and tired. It turns out they had to give her 3 units of blood because of her low H&H which was 6.1.What it should be is about 12. I can tell there is something seriously wrong because she is very jaundice which is usually an indication that there is something wrong with her liver. I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t want her to worry. I feel a little guilty because I was holding a little resentment towards her. I told her the other day that I will soon be divorce. She said to me “I thought that happened a couple of months ago.” I felt very hurt and all I could say to her was“ OH MOM”. She has been oblivious to pretty much everything that happens in my life even if I tell her. I am not sure why I am expecting different results from her?! She has always been like this. Now I’m mad at her for getting sick. I am very selfish because I am thinking about how her sickness is affecting me and how I'm feeling. Can I just get over ME and think about others more then myself? “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others(Philippians 2:3-4). Lord help me to be others centered and not ME-centered. Help me to do things in a selfless manner. “So when He had washed their feet, taken His garments, and sat down again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them(John 13:12-17). The Holy Spirit just spoke to me as He often does while I am writing out my thoughts. I don’t have to pray for God to make me less self-centered! I need to only follow the example Jesus has already given me. I need only to be obedient and do what He tells me to do. It‘s about obedience! obedience! obedience! I don’t need to feel it. I just need to do it! “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you”(Psalm 37:4-5).
If I delight in HIM, He will give me the desires He wants me to have. Amen

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8)

5/01/10 I finally got my day in court! I was there with my lawyer who apparently didn’t know what my case was even about. So He had me fill him in 30min before court started. Then we walked into the court house where all the other criminals were awaiting trial. I dressed in a shirt and tie with dress pants, but apparently it is an informal court house! I saw people who were wearing from “pants on the ground” to cutoffs. I heard one lawyer speaking to his client and telling him to take off the sunglasses, tuck in his shirt, and pull his pants up. I think he was giving him good advice LOL! My whole case only lasted 3.543 minuets. My lawyer went up spoke to the prosecuting attorney and asked if the case could be plead for a lesser charge. They agreed and my final charge was reduced from (murder 1 ) I mean from disobeying a lawful command of a police officer(second degree misdemeanor) to the equitant of avoiding a traffic signal by and going through a gas station (minor traffic no points). This whole ordeal only cost my $1,625.00. That’s $1,500 for the lawyer and $125 for the ticket, but the lesson I learned “PRICELESS”! God was speaking to me about my problem I have had my whole life with authority and trust. I have been praying about it after the whole job thing and this traffic ticket. God revealed to me my problem with authority all started when I was three years old and I was molested by someone in the neighborhood. Ever since then I have been trying to get control of my situation by defying those who I felt were a threat to my safety or who can in someway control me or if I felt like they were trying to control me. This translated to basically almost everybody I came into contact with. Some examples would be: teachers, parents, police, bosses, friends, family, and even my wife. I have had trust issues from my earliest childhood memories. Now God is revealing to me the root cause of my anxieties. I feel like I am finally being healed from a chronic debilitating sickness. I just don’t know why God waited 38 years to reveal it to me!! I know the scripture where it says“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD” (Isaiah 55:8). It doesn’t help me not feel resentment towards you O God. Sorry that’s how I feel Lord. Please forgive me! I know I am questioning You and that I am but dust. I am a lump of clay questioning why you formed me the way you did. You already know my thoughts so it doesn’t matter if I write them down or not. I feel like Job who was questioning God why he was being afflicted so severely. “Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said: “Who is this who darkens my counsel By words without knowledge? Now prepare yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer Me (Job 38:1-3). Then God proceeds to ask Job Questions about things that are impossible to know or fathom unless he were God. Then after two chapters of questions from God “ Job answered the LORD and said:“ Behold, I am vile; What shall I answer You? I lay my hand over my mouth. Once I have spoken, but I will not answer; Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further”(Job 40:3-5). You know somehow writing this part of scripture makes me feel better. Do I have to know why this thing happened to me when I was three years old? No! I need to trust YOU and “know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified”(Romans 8:28-30). Lord thank you for refining and conforming me into the image of your Son Jesus. I feel the cleansing power of His blood and the freedom of being redeemed. In my life time I have been a drug addict, thief, brawler, drunkard, liar, pervert, idolater, blasphemer etc… “Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty(Psalm 32:1-2)!
“Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s”(Psalm 103:1-5).
When Jesus saved me in 1994 one of the sermons that the pastor was teaching on was “What is Your Purpose in Life”? I wrote down on my note pad “My purpose in life is to help the hurting wherever that may be.”
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ” (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).

"Don’t look out only for your own interests" (Phil 2:1-8)

4/28/10 “One foot on the brake and one on the gas, hey! Well, there's too much traffic, I can't pass, no! So I tried my best illegal move A big black and white come and crushed my groove again! CHORUS: Go on & write me up for 125 Post my face, wanted dead or alive Take my license n' all that jive I can't drive É 55! Oh No! Uh!” I have court tomorrow I think I’ll tell this to the jury. Maybe not. The truth is probably just as bad though. Tell me if I am going to jail or not? I was driving down cypress creek road and I saw what appeared to be a bad accident ahead of me and the police were blocking Andrews blvd. I saw a police cars with their lights on before the road block thinking it was letting me know of the impending accident. Then I saw a space going up the ramp for I-95 and I went up the ramp. Then I saw 3 or 4 nice police officers about 50 yards away waving in my direction and I thought “I wonder who they are waving at”? Then once I got onto I-95 I saw that there were no cars on the highway! That’s when I realized that I went through a road block and the police were waving at me! I got real nervous and drove 40mph down the empty highway for about a minuet trying to figure out what I should do. Then I finally stopped and waited for the police to come. Did I mention I was running late for church!!?? LOL (this is true). The police finally caught up with me and in a friendly voice he said “LICENCE AND REGERSTRATION! DO YOU KNOW YOU WENT THROUGH A ROAD BLOCK!? WE WERE BLOCKING THE HIGHWAY FOR TOYS FOR TOTS.” Then he went back to his car and wrote me a ticket. It turns out that I had just committed a second degree misdemeanor! The charge is failing to follow a lawful command of an officer. There is so much application here for my life I don’t even know where to start. I’ll just pick one. Lets talk about my self-centeredness. I saw all the cop cars and the lights flashing and it never crossed my mind to pray for the person or persons who could possibility be injured seriously. All I could think of was that I was late for church ( what a great Christian I am). I was only thinking about the number 1 god in my life and the great trinity of me-myself-and-I).I am always on my mind. Lord help me to be others centered. Remind me I am not the only person on the planet and that the earth doesn’t revolve around me. Philippians 2:1-8 “Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.” These verses make me cry! So powerful! I am so convicted. God I know you are using this situation to point out yet another thing I need to work on. You are constantly showing me areas in my life that need refining. “I will bring the one-third through the fire, Will refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them. I will say, ‘This is My people’; And each one will say, ‘The LORD is my God (Zechariah 13:9).
Thank you Jesus for the ultimate selfless sacrifice of dying on the cross and giving me your Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me.

O LORD, My Strength (Psalms 18:1-2)

4/24/10 Lord I’ve been praying for my marriage to be restored for a year now and I think I have been obsessed with the idea of being reunited with xxxx. This obsession I have come to realize was at the expense of my physical and emotional wellbeing. Well maybe not my emotional wellbeing because you O Lord have changed me tremendously. I do recognize that you were tearing me down so you could build me up on a firm foundation. Psalms 18:1-2 “I will love You, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” I feel like my problem is right now that I am starting to noticing other women at work at church that I never noticed before. I’m not sure if I am trying fill this emotional void in my life that xxxx used to fill. I feel like I am on a discovery channel documentary. There is this deserted island and I am a baby penguin. There are hundreds of thousands of us and I just lost my mother. So I am franticly searching for her . Then I see someone who looks like or acts like her and I go up to her and say “are you my mother?” (What I’m really saying is are you going to fill this void in my life?) Then you see the mother penguin chaise away the baby. Then you see him go to another and the same thing happens over and over again. Until finally the camera does a close-up on the baby penguin alone, confused, abandoned, and chirping in the air with no one paying attention to him. “I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof” Psalms (102:6-7). Lord I don’t want to do this!! I need you to fill the void in my life. I need you to be my comfort. I need you to be my security! I need to be secure in you before I look for someone else. I guess I’m just tired of being lonely. I miss someone paying attention to me. I miss the love and affection. I miss the touch of a warm soft hand. I miss a tender kiss.

Lonely am I? Am I lonely?
A void am I Trying to fill,
to be filled by you only?
Compelled by my will,
for a security that is phony?
Lord you are the I AM,
the I AM that is true.
i am a lump of clay,
i am nothing without you.
So mold me and shape me,
as I yield to your will.
Make me a man you are able to fill.
A vessel of honor made by your loving hand.
It’s by your loving touch, that I can finally be a man.

Count It All Joy? (James 1:2-4)

4/22/10 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing”(James1:2-4).
James tells me to “count it all joy when you fall into various trials”. How do I do this? I’m not exactly sure. I’m trying to count it all joy while in the trials. I know it is easier for me to count it all joy after the trial is past and I see the end results that God had in mind. I think it all comes down to how mature I am in the faith and trust that God will work all things out for good. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him”(Romans 8:28). I want to see the end results at the beginning before God has a chance to change me and my situation. If I remember the past trials God has gotten me through will I be able to “count it all joy”? Well it hasn’t happened yet! My problem is that I often do not trust God. I feel like I am starting to trust HIM, but maybe I need more trials in my life(scares me to say this). Am I truly willing to “ be perfect and complete, lacking nothing”? NO! My whole life has been a constant pursuit of the avoidance of the pain associated with trials. I think this is one of my root problems that got me into trouble my entire life. I would do things to avoid trials and at the same time make even more trials for myself. I need to relax in God and stop trying to avoid the trial and pursue God and his guidance. “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light”(Matthew 11:28-30). O Lord I want rest for my soul. Give me a heart that pursues you and your will even if it involves PAIN! I love you and praise you for the past trials you have given me. You have and you are constantly changing my heart, my mind, and my soul. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life (Psalms 139:23-24).

When I Was A Child (1Corinthians 13:11)

4/20/10 The winter solstice and the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It's all due to Earth's tilt, which ensures that the shortest day of every year falls around December 21. The shortest day of the year was also my darkest! I have 1 email message that is marked unread in my Yahoo inbox on the 21 of December. The message is FROM Claude Ducloux and the SUBJECT is “Final Decree”. I have been looking at that unmarked message for about 4 months now as a constant reminder of my impending doom of a marriage. After talking to my soon to be x-wife I am finally coming to the harsh reality that I will soon no longer be married to xxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx. She was my everything and I couldn’t imagine life without her. We have been separated for a year now and I think I have more pain and cried more that year then my whole life combined (I would including from birth).This past year I would describe it as Growing Pains. The definition of “Growing Pains” : 1. Pains in the limbs and joints of children or adolescents, often attributed to rapid growth but arising from various unrelated causes.
2. Emotional difficulties that occur during adolescence.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1Corinthians 13:11). I feel like I have aged tremendously both physically and spiritually. Physically I just feel worn-out old! Spiritually I feel new like a child. God’s word is alive and active and I am amazed how a scripture I’ve read a bunch of times before is now a new word from HIM. I hope I never lose it!!!! Now I am filled with uncertainty and regrets. The one thing that is certain is that God said in his word “ I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). God is going to be my comforter in times of sorrow. God is going to be my friend when I am lonely. God is going to be there no matter what happens. God please help me!!

Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Because when I slow down my mind thinks of her. Must be praying! Must be praying! Must be praying! Jesus fill the void I feel without her in my life. Fill my heart! Fill my heart! Fill my heart! I need you badly the sorrow is incomprehensible. Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Turn my sorrow into gladness. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. I AM HERE AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Hold my hand Father! I AM. I feel so bad! I KNOW. What should I do? JUST BE STILL MY SON. I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. I’m scared! I KNOW.

Lord of the Rings (Luke 15:22-24)

4/17/10 O Lord I know you have wisdom and power beyond my comprehension. You say in your word “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD”(Isaiah 55:8). I am constantly reminded of this almost daily. I spoke to my wife last night and it was a good conversation. We spoke of things that mattered and things that were on our hearts. It’s been about two months since we last talked and the conclusion was that she still wants the divorce. “ You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” Psalms 56:8). I had hurt her so much that she just can’t get past the pain and the uncertainty of me hurting her again(she didn’t say that exactly). Her tone was one of it doesn’t matter what I do now because her consistent question for me was “ why didn’t I do this before we were separated” and another question she would ask “ why didn’t you ever love me”? To these questions I have no good answer. I had a rebellious heart that was so hard that I couldn’t see past my own evil desires. “We know we have rebelled and have denied the Lord. We have turned our backs on our God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies” (Isaiah 59:13). She had a fair questions for me and deserves a fair answer. My only reply is “I have always loved you and I always will”. My actions didn’t show it because I was stuck in my sin. “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death(James 1:14-15). I killed our marriage and it appears that there will be no resurrection. My prayers have not been unanswered because in the process of prayer God gave me a new heart.“ I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart (Ezekiel 36:26). God didn’t give me what I wanted which was a restored marriage. He gave me “a tender, responsive heart”. God I pray in your son’s name Jesus that you would give xxxx a new heart. Lord you know exactly what she needs, and I pray that you would speak to her the way you speak to me. Soften her heart Lord.
I know this video I posted Is a little psycho! It’s how I’m feeling @ the moment.

The children of Israel grew stronger and stronger (Judges 4:1-24)

Judges 4:1-24
1 When Ehud was dead, the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. 2 So the LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin king of Canaan, who reigned in Hazor. The commander of his army was Sisera, who dwelt in Harosheth Hagoyim. 3 And the children of Israel cried out to the LORD; for Jabin had nine hundred chariots of iron, and for twenty years he had harshly oppressed the children of Israel.

As I read through the book of Judges I see a reoccurring phrase. “the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD.” The word evil can also be interpreted as malignant. Malignant : In regard to a tumor, having the properties of a malignancy that can invade and destroy nearby tissue and that may spread (metastasize) to other parts of the body. The evil the Israelites were doing wasn’t isolated to one particular person or area. It metastasized and spread throughout the entire body of Israel. This evil wasn’t a one time slip. It was an ongoing practice that went on for twenty years. It was a slow growing cancer that would eventually destroy the host that it was growing in. James 1:14-15 “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” Temptation in itself is not a sin. It is when I give in to that sin or dwell on it. The Israelites were practicing sin that would eventually grow into certain death. Finally they “cried out to the LORD.” They called the great Physician to heal them of their affliction. I find that it isn’t until I am in great pain that I go to God or to the doctor. I need to go to the doctor for regular checkups not when I have the symptoms of a disease. In the same way I need to do regular checkups with GOD. I need to ask Him to “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting”(Psalms 139: 23-24). If I do this checkup, God will give me the remedy I need. If I am an obedient/good patient and take the medicine no matter how bad it tastes, God will heal whatever I am afflicted with.

VS 4 Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, was judging Israel at that time. 5 And she would sit under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the mountains of Ephraim. And the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. 6 Then she sent and called for Barak the son of Abinoam from Kedesh in Naphtali, and said to him, “Has not the LORD God of Israel commanded, ‘Go and deploy troops at Mount Tabor; take with you ten thousand men of the sons of Naphtali and of the sons of Zebulun; 7 and against you I will deploy Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his multitude at the River Kishon; and I will deliver him into your hand’?”
God’s cure for the people of Israel in that time was that HE sent Judges to lead them on the right path. Deborah was a prophetess who spoke the words of the Lord. Deborah, when prophesying to Barak, said “Has not the LORD God of Israel commanded, ‘Go and deploy troops at Mount Tabor”. She was telling him the words of the Lord and what God wanted him to do. She also told him the outcome of being obedient to the Lord “I will deliver him into your hand”. Barak had a choice to listen or not listen to what the Lord had to say. Barak could have disobeyed God and Israel might have stayed under the oppression of “Jabin king of Canaan”. Even though “The children of Israel cried out to the LORD” it doesn’t mean the lord will deliver them. In the same way God isn’t going to just deliver me if I cry out to Him. I know this because I would pray “ Lord please take this sin from me.” I was sincere and honest with all of my heart. I wanted God to take it away!!! What the lord wanted me to do was to give it to him. The lord wanted me to be obedient to Him. The lord wanted me to listen and obey his words he had written to me. The lord wanted me to claim the promises He had already given. I was acting like a three year old child who was holding onto a security blanket not wanting to let go. I would say “lord take my sin from me”, while holding onto the blanket as hard as I could. The Lord is not going to take it away! I have to be obedient/mature enough to give it to him.

8 And Barak said to her, “If you will go with me, then I will go; but if you will not go with me, I will not go!”
Now we see Barak giving an ultimatum to what God had commanded him to do. “If you will go with me, then I will go; but if you will not go with me, I will not go!” I will call it the “If ” statement. I know that I would often rationalize the sin I was doing in this way. If I didn’t have an argument with my wife or if I didn’t have this stress in my life, then I wouldn’t need to do this thing to make me feel better. What I am saying in reality is that IF my circumstances are not the way I feel they should be, then I am freed from any responsibility towards God and what he wants me to do. God is the one in charge not me. There are no If’s when God tells me to do something. The only thing I should say when He tells me to do something is “Here am I! Send me” (Isaiah 6:8). It’s all about obedience. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW I FEEL, I MUST OBEY GOD AND NOT SIN.

9 So she said, “I will surely go with you; nevertheless there will be no glory for you in the journey you are taking, for the LORD will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.” Then Deborah arose and went with Barak to Kedesh.
Deborah was telling Barak because of this ultimatum you have made and you did not obey the Lords command without question, the glory of the victory will go to someone else. The application to me is(although out of context) that any victories in my life against sin or the enemy I can not take any of the credit. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”(Philippians 4:13). It is through Jesus alone that I am “able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one” (Ephesians 6:16).
“But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:57 NLT).

10 And Barak called Zebulun and Naphtali to Kedesh; he went up with ten thousand men under his command, and Deborah went up with him.
11 Now Heber the Kenite, of the children of Hobab the father-in-law of Moses, had separated himself from the Kenites and pitched his tent near the terebinth tree at Zaanaim, which is beside Kedesh.
I notice that when Barak went into battle he did not go alone. He called others to help with the fight. When I am going into battle I should not go into battle alone. I need the help of God and people that are in my life in order to win the war. This war is not only against temptation I am struggling with, but it is a spiritual battle for Holiness and freedom from the bondage of sin.
“ For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm”(Ephesians 6:12 NLT). I don’t want to blame my battle with sin only on the unseen spiritual realm because in James I read “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away”(James 1:14 NLT) With all these forces against me I need all the help/troops I can get.
12 And they reported to Sisera that Barak the son of Abinoam had gone up to Mount Tabor. 13 So Sisera gathered together all his chariots, nine hundred chariots of iron, and all the people who were with him, from Harosheth Hagoyim to the River Kishon. 14 Then Deborah said to Barak, “Up! For this is the day in which the LORD has delivered Sisera into your hand. Has not the LORD gone out before you?”
I am reminded of the story in 2Kings 6 when the king of Aram, who was at war with Israel, was upset because Elisha was telling the King of Israel the war plans of King Aram who was attacking them. So King Aram tried to capture Elisha and “sent horses and chariots and a great army there, and they came by night and surrounded the city”(2Kings 6:14). Then in the morning Elisha’s servant was frightened when he saw the great army surrounding them. Then the servant asked Elisha “What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” And Elisha prayed, and said, “LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” Then the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw. And behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha” (2 kings6:15-18).
I have come to realize that life is full of battles. There are large battles and small battles. It doesn’t matter how big or small the battle is, the Lord is continually fighting for me. I get into trouble when I say in my heart “Lord this is a small battle I can take care of this one myself”. This is when I am most vulnerable! “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall”(1Corinthians 10:12). I need to be on constant guard against being self-reliant and going off on my own. Instead of being self-reliant I need to be more Christ-reliant. My very best in doing things under my own strength is never going to be good enough. “But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags”(Isaiah 64:6). No matter what the battle is big or small “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). “Has not the LORD gone out before you?” (Judges 4:14)
Lord, open my eyes that I may see your strength and power and majesty.
Lord, open my eyes that I might see your mighty power that sets me free.
Lord, open my eyes that I may see more of you and less of me.
LORD, OPEN MY EYES!!
　 　
14b So Barak went down from Mount Tabor with ten thousand men following him. 15 And the LORD routed Sisera and all his chariots and all his army with the edge of the sword before Barak; and Sisera alighted from his chariot and fled away on foot. 16 But Barak pursued the chariots and the army as far as Harosheth Hagoyim, and all the army of Sisera fell by the edge of the sword; not a man was left.
When I have sin in my life I need to attack that sin and totally destroy it. Because if I don’t, it will regroup and attack me again. The best way I can fight the enemy/sin is by “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God”(Ephesians 6:17). In Hebrews 4:12 it says “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” I need to be actively, daily, purposefully, and continually pursuing Jesus and his will for my life. The best way I know to do this is by reading His love letter to me. He tells me everything I need to know to live an active whole spiritual life. The bible also tell me to “pray without ceasing”(1Thessalonians 5:17). It is through this constant communication with Jesus that I am “able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one (Ephesians 6:12). I also see in this section of scripture that “Sisera alighted from his chariot and fled away on foot”. The entire army was destroyed except for Sisera. He got away so he would not be destroyed. “Now when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from Him until an opportune time” (Luke 4:13). When I came to the Lord Jesus Christ I was so happy that I was freed from the bondage of sin. I gave him all of my hurts and hang-ups EXCEPT…. I held back some of my past sins as an “in case of emergency break glass” way out. I didn’t truly trust Jesus with everything in my life. I felt a needed to hold on to the sin that was my security blanket my whole life. Then in times of fiery troubles and pressure I would run to my blanket. I didn’t think Jesus was enough and to be honest I enjoyed my sin. I choose to be a prisoner to sin not realizing that there was so much more freedom for me on the other side of the bars. I could see the wide open spaces and I could see people that were free, but I some how felt comfortable in my own little cell block. But Jesus came “to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness” (Isaiah 42:7). PRAISE GOD!!!
　

17 However, Sisera had fled away on foot to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite; for there was peace between Jabin king of Hazor and the house of Heber the Kenite.
When trials come I want to flee from the pain. My natural inclination is to run to the comfort of my past sin. In some distorted way I feel at the time that it will give me peace. IT NEVER DOES.

18 And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said to him, “Turn aside, my lord, turn aside to me; do not fear.” And when he had turned aside with her into the tent, she covered him with a blanket.
The first thing I see in order to defeat sin is to confront it “Jael went out to meet Sisera”. Jael didn’t wait for Sisera to come to the door of her tent, she went out to meet him. In the same way I need to confront my sin before it is a threat. If I wait to deal with a sin in my life when it is tempting me, then I will lose the battle. I need to have a plan on how I am going to deal with it when it comes around. The next thing I see is Jael’s plan. Her plan was to weaken Sisera to diminish his power. First she “covered him with a blanket.” This made him relaxed and not be as threatening. Any sin in my life I need to do things that will diminish its power. The things I can do are: 1.Pray to God for strength “God is our refuge and strength”(Psalms 46:1). 2. Tell others of my struggles “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed”(James 5:16) 3.Read the bible “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right”(2 Timothy 3:16 NLT)

19 Then he said to her, “Please give me a little water to drink, for I am thirsty.” So she opened a jug of milk, gave him a drink, and covered him.
Sisera asked Jael for some water in order to quench his desire for thirst. Instead of giving water Jael replaced it with warm milk which would cause him to sleep. When sin is asking for something to quench its lustful desires I need to replace it with something else.
The things I do are fellowship, prayer, read the Bible, do Bible studies, go to church, confess struggles to other men.

20 And he said to her, “Stand at the door of the tent, and if any man comes and inquires of you, and says, ‘Is there any man here?’ you shall say, ‘No.’”
Although I have a lot of things in place to fight the war of sin there will be times when I am tempted or am dwelling on a sin. This is when honesty to myself and to others is the most important thing to do when concurring sin. I find when I am tempted by sin the fastest and most effective way to quench/subdue it is by calling my accountability partner. If I hold on to this sin and keep it secret it has power over me, but if I tell another person then it has no power over me. Satan wants me to conceal my sin in order to make me powerless to do anything for the kingdom of God. Satan has one purpose in life and that “is to steal and kill and destroy”(John 10:10 NLT).
　
21 Then Jael, Heber’s wife, took a tent peg and took a hammer in her hand, and went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple, and it went down into the ground; for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.
I could imagine Jael with the tent peg and the hammer in her hand being terrified that Sisera would wake up. The uncertainty if she would succeed in killing him might have been enough to hinder her from even trying. She found the courage to put to death the person who was oppressing the people of Israel.
I am so terrified of going back to the way I once was( The Old Man). I have so much peace in my mind and heart that I never want to go back. “knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin”(Romans 6:6). Sin has taken a great toll and I have lost the love of my life because of my own selfishness. I chose my own sinful desires over my God and my marriage. I have no one to blame for the failure of my marriage except for me. xxxx is truly a great proverbs 31 woman. She did absolutely everything she could think of to help me become a better me. Her final gift to me was that she finally left me. Without her leaving me I probably would be in the utter darkness that I felt hopelessly trapped in. I still have hope and faith that God will do a mighty work. “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible”(Matthew 19:26) I don’t know if God is going to restore our marriage, but I do know even if God doesn’t restore my marriage “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”(Romans 8:28). I’m going to be ok.

22 And then, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said to him, “Come, I will show you the man whom you seek.” And when he went into her tent, there lay Sisera, dead with the peg in his temple.
Jael after killing Sisera showed Barak the great victory she had accomplished.
1 Chronicles 16:8-9 “Oh, give thanks to the LORD! Call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples! Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him; Talk of all His wondrous works!” I will tell of the glorious things God has done for me. I feel a calling like never before to reach those who feel helplessly stuck in their sin. I want to help them find the freedom I have found in Christ.“ For He who is mighty has done great things for me, And holy is His name”(Luke1:49).

23 So on that day God subdued Jabin king of Canaan in the presence of the children of Israel. 24 And the hand of the children of Israel grew stronger and stronger against Jabin king of Canaan, until they had destroyed Jabin king of Canaan.
Finally after the great victory over the army of Sisera “the children of Israel grew stronger and stronger against Jabin king of Canaan”. I have found that when I win even the smallest of battles over sin, I become stronger and have more victories over sin which allowed me to have more victories which allowed me to have more victories… I am able to have victory in my life because of the small battles I have fought and won. The small battles gave me the strength to conquer the big ones.
“ For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless”(1 Corinthians 15:56-58).

Search me, O God, and know my heart. (Psalms 139:23-24)

4/14/10 I feel like I was lost while my computer was broken. I wasn’t even able to journal. I guess I could have done it on paper but it just isn’t the same. A lot has happened while I was away. Well not that much, but I realized I have a problem with authority. I just got my evaluation at work and it wasn’t good. I was told to do something when I first started working 10 months ago and I thought it was dumb so I didn’t do it. Now I am written up for it and I have to do an action plan for what I am going to do to fix it. If I don’t then I am going to be terminated. The other thing that I did was go through a police barricade(sounds worse then it is) and I got a ticket and I have to go to court on the 28th of this month. I’m starting to see this trend. I think God is showing me other things in my life I need to change. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting”(Psalms 139: 23-24). I often pray something similar to this verse and HE is faithful to answer my prayers.

I Waited Patiently For The LORD (Psalms 40:1)

4/5/10 Today I went to a rejoice Ministries meeting. It’s a group of people that are praying for the restoration of their marriage. It was a very encouraging meeting. The first song I broke down and cried. I am sick of feeling this way! I don’t know what to do. It has been about a year that we have been separated. I really don’t see any hope in sight. The meeting was good because it was about not living by sight but by faith. 2cor 5:7 “We live by faith, not by sight.” She referenced Lazareth being raised from the dead and if Jesus can raise him from the dead then He can raise my marriage from the dead. Then she asked “how big is your God”? She said we need to wait on the promise that God has given us. This is where I am stumped. I know God speaks to me and he answers prayers. I am still asking for the answer to my prayer if my marriage is going to be restored. Either God has been silent or I am not willing to hear the answer. I do know is that I am growing impatient. “Those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). Lord God please give me an answer to my prayer. I claim your word in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” I wish that this verse said God would answer me in a certain amount of time, but it doesn’t. I do know if God had answered my prayer a year ago I might be still in my sin. I have come to realize that His timing is perfect and He has a different watch then I have. I have grown so much in the Lord and I know I am not the same person I was even a month ago“ I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps”(Psalms 40:1-2) You have given me direction and firm footing where I was once sinking. Lord You “set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps” I will wait for your answer Lord. "Speak, for your servant is listening" (1 Samuel 3:10). Please answer me soon.