O LORD, My Strength (Psalms 18:1-2)

4/24/10 Lord I’ve been praying for my marriage to be restored for a year now and I think I have been obsessed with the idea of being reunited with xxxx. This obsession I have come to realize was at the expense of my physical and emotional wellbeing. Well maybe not my emotional wellbeing because you O Lord have changed me tremendously. I do recognize that you were tearing me down so you could build me up on a firm foundation. Psalms 18:1-2 “I will love You, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” I feel like my problem is right now that I am starting to noticing other women at work at church that I never noticed before. I’m not sure if I am trying fill this emotional void in my life that xxxx used to fill. I feel like I am on a discovery channel documentary. There is this deserted island and I am a baby penguin. There are hundreds of thousands of us and I just lost my mother. So I am franticly searching for her . Then I see someone who looks like or acts like her and I go up to her and say “are you my mother?” (What I’m really saying is are you going to fill this void in my life?) Then you see the mother penguin chaise away the baby. Then you see him go to another and the same thing happens over and over again. Until finally the camera does a close-up on the baby penguin alone, confused, abandoned, and chirping in the air with no one paying attention to him. “I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof” Psalms (102:6-7). Lord I don’t want to do this!! I need you to fill the void in my life. I need you to be my comfort. I need you to be my security! I need to be secure in you before I look for someone else. I guess I’m just tired of being lonely. I miss someone paying attention to me. I miss the love and affection. I miss the touch of a warm soft hand. I miss a tender kiss.

Lonely am I? Am I lonely?
A void am I Trying to fill,
to be filled by you only?
Compelled by my will,
for a security that is phony?
Lord you are the I AM,
the I AM that is true.
i am a lump of clay,
i am nothing without you.
So mold me and shape me,
as I yield to your will.
Make me a man you are able to fill.
A vessel of honor made by your loving hand.
It’s by your loving touch, that I can finally be a man.

When I Was A Child (1Corinthians 13:11)

4/20/10 The winter solstice and the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It's all due to Earth's tilt, which ensures that the shortest day of every year falls around December 21. The shortest day of the year was also my darkest! I have 1 email message that is marked unread in my Yahoo inbox on the 21 of December. The message is FROM Claude Ducloux and the SUBJECT is “Final Decree”. I have been looking at that unmarked message for about 4 months now as a constant reminder of my impending doom of a marriage. After talking to my soon to be x-wife I am finally coming to the harsh reality that I will soon no longer be married to xxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx. She was my everything and I couldn’t imagine life without her. We have been separated for a year now and I think I have more pain and cried more that year then my whole life combined (I would including from birth).This past year I would describe it as Growing Pains. The definition of “Growing Pains” : 1. Pains in the limbs and joints of children or adolescents, often attributed to rapid growth but arising from various unrelated causes.
2. Emotional difficulties that occur during adolescence.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1Corinthians 13:11). I feel like I have aged tremendously both physically and spiritually. Physically I just feel worn-out old! Spiritually I feel new like a child. God’s word is alive and active and I am amazed how a scripture I’ve read a bunch of times before is now a new word from HIM. I hope I never lose it!!!! Now I am filled with uncertainty and regrets. The one thing that is certain is that God said in his word “ I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). God is going to be my comforter in times of sorrow. God is going to be my friend when I am lonely. God is going to be there no matter what happens. God please help me!!

Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Because when I slow down my mind thinks of her. Must be praying! Must be praying! Must be praying! Jesus fill the void I feel without her in my life. Fill my heart! Fill my heart! Fill my heart! I need you badly the sorrow is incomprehensible. Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Turn my sorrow into gladness. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. I AM HERE AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Hold my hand Father! I AM. I feel so bad! I KNOW. What should I do? JUST BE STILL MY SON. I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. I’m scared! I KNOW.

Lord of the Rings (Luke 15:22-24)

4/17/10 O Lord I know you have wisdom and power beyond my comprehension. You say in your word “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD”(Isaiah 55:8). I am constantly reminded of this almost daily. I spoke to my wife last night and it was a good conversation. We spoke of things that mattered and things that were on our hearts. It’s been about two months since we last talked and the conclusion was that she still wants the divorce. “ You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” Psalms 56:8). I had hurt her so much that she just can’t get past the pain and the uncertainty of me hurting her again(she didn’t say that exactly). Her tone was one of it doesn’t matter what I do now because her consistent question for me was “ why didn’t I do this before we were separated” and another question she would ask “ why didn’t you ever love me”? To these questions I have no good answer. I had a rebellious heart that was so hard that I couldn’t see past my own evil desires. “We know we have rebelled and have denied the Lord. We have turned our backs on our God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies” (Isaiah 59:13). She had a fair questions for me and deserves a fair answer. My only reply is “I have always loved you and I always will”. My actions didn’t show it because I was stuck in my sin. “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death(James 1:14-15). I killed our marriage and it appears that there will be no resurrection. My prayers have not been unanswered because in the process of prayer God gave me a new heart.“ I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart (Ezekiel 36:26). God didn’t give me what I wanted which was a restored marriage. He gave me “a tender, responsive heart”. God I pray in your son’s name Jesus that you would give xxxx a new heart. Lord you know exactly what she needs, and I pray that you would speak to her the way you speak to me. Soften her heart Lord.
I know this video I posted Is a little psycho! It’s how I’m feeling @ the moment.

"If Grace is an Ocean, We're All Sinking"

3/17/10 Today I ran out of gas again! This is the second time I did this in 2 months. This time I was at church. I was very embarrassed and I lied and said my gas gage was broken. I know I broke the ninth commandment in the church parking lotL. If I told them the truth that I’ve been driving around like that for 2 days now, but I just didn’t have the strength/ambition to pump the gas, they would think I was crazy(maybe I am). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed even with the little things. I’ve been thinking about my wife and trying to see how depressed/pathetic I can be. I think I did a pretty good job HA HA. I just miss her so much!!! I have such a heaviness on my soul. I know Jesus says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Lord Jesus I need rest for my soul! I pray that my marriage will be restored, but it doesn’t look good. I am so fearful that I will lose the best thing that ever happened to me besides salvation. It seems like I get this sinking feeling and I have a hard time pulling myself out. “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31). Lord Jesus forgive me for forgetting that you are always there. I feel like I am all alone, but you said that you will never leave me or forsake me. I’m glad that I serve a God who can do the impossible. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26 ). Lord God I pray that you would touch her heart right now. I pray that you would draw her to you and that you would put people in her life that will direct and guide her. Sometimes I feel like such a retch. The definition of a retch is: make an unsuccessful effort to vomit; strain to vomit. I catch my self self-talking and saying things that are demeaning or abasing of myself. I need to realize it is the enemy that keeps reminding me /speaking in my ear and keeps telling me I am the same and will never change. That was what I used to be. I keep thinking of myself as who I was and not who I am now. I am a new creation and I am no longer under bondage. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I’m reminded of a lyric in a song “If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking” I thank God for His grace. “Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.(Romans 5:20-21)