3/17/10 Today I ran out of gas again! This is the second time I did this in 2 months. This time I was at church. I was very embarrassed and I lied and said my gas gage was broken. I know I broke the ninth commandment in the church parking lotL. If I told them the truth that I’ve been driving around like that for 2 days now, but I just didn’t have the strength/ambition to pump the gas, they would think I was crazy(maybe I am). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed even with the little things. I’ve been thinking about my wife and trying to see how depressed/pathetic I can be. I think I did a pretty good job HA HA. I just miss her so much!!! I have such a heaviness on my soul. I know Jesus says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Lord Jesus I need rest for my soul! I pray that my marriage will be restored, but it doesn’t look good. I am so fearful that I will lose the best thing that ever happened to me besides salvation. It seems like I get this sinking feeling and I have a hard time pulling myself out. “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31). Lord Jesus forgive me for forgetting that you are always there. I feel like I am all alone, but you said that you will never leave me or forsake me. I’m glad that I serve a God who can do the impossible. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26 ). Lord God I pray that you would touch her heart right now. I pray that you would draw her to you and that you would put people in her life that will direct and guide her. Sometimes I feel like such a retch. The definition of a retch is: make an unsuccessful effort to vomit; strain to vomit. I catch my self self-talking and saying things that are demeaning or abasing of myself. I need to realize it is the enemy that keeps reminding me /speaking in my ear and keeps telling me I am the same and will never change. That was what I used to be. I keep thinking of myself as who I was and not who I am now. I am a new creation and I am no longer under bondage. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I’m reminded of a lyric in a song “If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking” I thank God for His grace. “Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.(Romans 5:20-21)Wednesday, March 17, 2010
"If Grace is an Ocean, We're All Sinking"
3/17/10 Today I ran out of gas again! This is the second time I did this in 2 months. This time I was at church. I was very embarrassed and I lied and said my gas gage was broken. I know I broke the ninth commandment in the church parking lotL. If I told them the truth that I’ve been driving around like that for 2 days now, but I just didn’t have the strength/ambition to pump the gas, they would think I was crazy(maybe I am). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed even with the little things. I’ve been thinking about my wife and trying to see how depressed/pathetic I can be. I think I did a pretty good job HA HA. I just miss her so much!!! I have such a heaviness on my soul. I know Jesus says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Lord Jesus I need rest for my soul! I pray that my marriage will be restored, but it doesn’t look good. I am so fearful that I will lose the best thing that ever happened to me besides salvation. It seems like I get this sinking feeling and I have a hard time pulling myself out. “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31). Lord Jesus forgive me for forgetting that you are always there. I feel like I am all alone, but you said that you will never leave me or forsake me. I’m glad that I serve a God who can do the impossible. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26 ). Lord God I pray that you would touch her heart right now. I pray that you would draw her to you and that you would put people in her life that will direct and guide her. Sometimes I feel like such a retch. The definition of a retch is: make an unsuccessful effort to vomit; strain to vomit. I catch my self self-talking and saying things that are demeaning or abasing of myself. I need to realize it is the enemy that keeps reminding me /speaking in my ear and keeps telling me I am the same and will never change. That was what I used to be. I keep thinking of myself as who I was and not who I am now. I am a new creation and I am no longer under bondage. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I’m reminded of a lyric in a song “If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking” I thank God for His grace. “Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.(Romans 5:20-21)
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Hey there! I was so touched by your comment on my blog the other day. I could feel your struggle through your words. Hmmm, I wish you could know how wonderful you are to the Lord. I think you have the head knowledge, maybe it just hasn't sunk into the heart yet. I want to ask you to pop over to my blog and copy and paste the blog post in the side bar that says Who We Are In Christ In Statement Form. This is the link http://blogginggodandme.blogspot.com/2009/06/who-we-are-in-christ.html . I had a struggle to get through concerning my true identity in Christ and I read those scriptures in statement form every single day. OUT LOUD. I have my children do it too. It didn't take very long for me to have it settled deep within myself just who I was in God's eyes and it really transformed me.
ReplyDeleteI also used to do the self hatred thing. Alot. That is sooo bad for you and it will keep you weak. Our strength comes from our joy in the Lord. When we are strong we feel like we can do anything! When we are weak we don't feel like we can do anything and that is right where Satan wants us. Weak and defeated. That is not what you are. God wants you strong & full of His presence and I know He wants you back with your wife. I'll be praying for her heart to be open to this process. I promise I will not forget.
And you are never alone.
your friend,
Jennifer