Lord of the Rings (Luke 15:22-24)

4/17/10 O Lord I know you have wisdom and power beyond my comprehension. You say in your word “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD”(Isaiah 55:8). I am constantly reminded of this almost daily. I spoke to my wife last night and it was a good conversation. We spoke of things that mattered and things that were on our hearts. It’s been about two months since we last talked and the conclusion was that she still wants the divorce. “ You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” Psalms 56:8). I had hurt her so much that she just can’t get past the pain and the uncertainty of me hurting her again(she didn’t say that exactly). Her tone was one of it doesn’t matter what I do now because her consistent question for me was “ why didn’t I do this before we were separated” and another question she would ask “ why didn’t you ever love me”? To these questions I have no good answer. I had a rebellious heart that was so hard that I couldn’t see past my own evil desires. “We know we have rebelled and have denied the Lord. We have turned our backs on our God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies” (Isaiah 59:13). She had a fair questions for me and deserves a fair answer. My only reply is “I have always loved you and I always will”. My actions didn’t show it because I was stuck in my sin. “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death(James 1:14-15). I killed our marriage and it appears that there will be no resurrection. My prayers have not been unanswered because in the process of prayer God gave me a new heart.“ I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart (Ezekiel 36:26). God didn’t give me what I wanted which was a restored marriage. He gave me “a tender, responsive heart”. God I pray in your son’s name Jesus that you would give xxxx a new heart. Lord you know exactly what she needs, and I pray that you would speak to her the way you speak to me. Soften her heart Lord.
I know this video I posted Is a little psycho! It’s how I’m feeling @ the moment.

"If Grace is an Ocean, We're All Sinking"

3/17/10 Today I ran out of gas again! This is the second time I did this in 2 months. This time I was at church. I was very embarrassed and I lied and said my gas gage was broken. I know I broke the ninth commandment in the church parking lotL. If I told them the truth that I’ve been driving around like that for 2 days now, but I just didn’t have the strength/ambition to pump the gas, they would think I was crazy(maybe I am). Sometimes I feel overwhelmed even with the little things. I’ve been thinking about my wife and trying to see how depressed/pathetic I can be. I think I did a pretty good job HA HA. I just miss her so much!!! I have such a heaviness on my soul. I know Jesus says in Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Lord Jesus I need rest for my soul! I pray that my marriage will be restored, but it doesn’t look good. I am so fearful that I will lose the best thing that ever happened to me besides salvation. It seems like I get this sinking feeling and I have a hard time pulling myself out. “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31). Lord Jesus forgive me for forgetting that you are always there. I feel like I am all alone, but you said that you will never leave me or forsake me. I’m glad that I serve a God who can do the impossible. "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26 ). Lord God I pray that you would touch her heart right now. I pray that you would draw her to you and that you would put people in her life that will direct and guide her. Sometimes I feel like such a retch. The definition of a retch is: make an unsuccessful effort to vomit; strain to vomit. I catch my self self-talking and saying things that are demeaning or abasing of myself. I need to realize it is the enemy that keeps reminding me /speaking in my ear and keeps telling me I am the same and will never change. That was what I used to be. I keep thinking of myself as who I was and not who I am now. I am a new creation and I am no longer under bondage. 2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” I’m reminded of a lyric in a song “If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking” I thank God for His grace. “Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.(Romans 5:20-21)

WRESTLING WITH GOD ( Genesis 32:24 )

2/28/10 Genesis 32:24 “Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day." Such a powerful verse for me. When I think about the word ALONE I think of overwhelmingly secluded darkness. Wait! That’s how I used to feel. My whole life I never wanted to be alone. I would search out others to fill the empty space inside. This meant I would be indiscriminate in my choice for friends. I always felt like an outsider and this feeling lead me down a path seeking others who felt the same way. I was 8 years old when I smoked my first joint. By 10 I was regularly using pot and using alcohol. The short version of my drug use is that by 17 I was in drug rehab. I felt comfortable with the people that were there. We were a bunch of misfits with a common background and goal. The goal was to fill the empty space inside. When I finished 10 months of drug rehab I went back to high school and I once again felt very isolated and alone. Now I had no way of filling this empty space in my heart. I was alone!! I felt that overwhelming darkness that I tried so hard to fill with drugs and alcohol. Now my friends were nonexistent. Even my best friend Marijuana I didn’t talk to anymore. I was Left to fend for myself in a world where I was an alien. Even my friends from the drug rehab were back using again. I was all alone meandering through life. I went to community college and it took me 5 years to complete a 2 year degree. I felt self-reliant, strong and invincible. I can’t tell you haw many times I wrestled with God and won. Then one day my self-reliance was stripped away and I found out I had bone cancer in my leg. I spent a year going in and out of the hospital for chemotherapy, surgery and rehabilitation. I was no longer self-reliant, but I was totally reliant on my mother to feed me, bath me, take me to the bathroom and at times wipe my butt. Then about six months into chemotherapy a friend invited me to church. I didn’t want to go, but I really didn’t have any better offers. At the church I felt out of place like I did in high school. Then at the end of the sermon the pastor gave an invitation to receive the gift of salvation. Then once again God came and wrestled with me. This time I gave up and let him win. For the first time in my life I felt a peace in my heart. I finally got that space filled that I was trying to fill my whole life. I no longer felt like an alien in a strange world. I felt comfortable with the people that were there. We were a bunch of misfits with a common background and goal. The goal was to fill the empty space inside. This time it worked. I received Jesus Christ as my lord and savior and never regretted my decision. John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” Now the word ALONE isn’t such a scary word, because I am never alone. Jesus says in Mathew 28:20 “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." What a great promise. How reassuring it is for me that I am never alone and whatever I am going through in life Jesus is with me. Thank you Jesus.