Can these bones live? (Ezekiel 37:1-6)

6/03/10 I feel real needy. I just coming to the realization that I will be single again. God I hate this! I hate the feeling of uncertainty the feeling of insecurity. I miss the comfort of my wife. It’s funny why should I feel like I’m going to miss her more when we get divorced? It’s not like I’ve seen her and I have hardly talked to her. I guess I’m going to miss the HOPE of one day being reunited with xxxx. Now it feels hopeless! For some reason I just can’t grasp the concept of me not being with her one day. This feeling is worse then the loss of my mother! I don’t understand it! People get divorced and remarry and go on with their lives. I will never get another mother, I’ve known her my whole life she raised me took care of me and yet I morn my impending divorce with much more grief and sorrow. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
I guess it’s the ripping apart of one flesh and creating two halves of a torn up mangled body. I feel beaten and bloody almost lifeless. I know God can and will heal me, but I know I will always have the scars as a reminder of my past failures. I feel like damaged goods! I feel sorry for the next woman that get involved with me. (I just got a scripture come to mind.) Ezekiel 37:1-3“The hand of the LORD came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord GOD, You know.” I am always amazed how you always answer me in my troubles. “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow” (Hebrews 4:12). When I am in despair You comfort me. Thank you Jesus for caring and loving me like a son. “Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the LORD.” Ezekiel 37:5-6 :~)

When I Was A Child (1Corinthians 13:11)

4/20/10 The winter solstice and the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It's all due to Earth's tilt, which ensures that the shortest day of every year falls around December 21. The shortest day of the year was also my darkest! I have 1 email message that is marked unread in my Yahoo inbox on the 21 of December. The message is FROM Claude Ducloux and the SUBJECT is “Final Decree”. I have been looking at that unmarked message for about 4 months now as a constant reminder of my impending doom of a marriage. After talking to my soon to be x-wife I am finally coming to the harsh reality that I will soon no longer be married to xxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx. She was my everything and I couldn’t imagine life without her. We have been separated for a year now and I think I have more pain and cried more that year then my whole life combined (I would including from birth).This past year I would describe it as Growing Pains. The definition of “Growing Pains” : 1. Pains in the limbs and joints of children or adolescents, often attributed to rapid growth but arising from various unrelated causes.
2. Emotional difficulties that occur during adolescence.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1Corinthians 13:11). I feel like I have aged tremendously both physically and spiritually. Physically I just feel worn-out old! Spiritually I feel new like a child. God’s word is alive and active and I am amazed how a scripture I’ve read a bunch of times before is now a new word from HIM. I hope I never lose it!!!! Now I am filled with uncertainty and regrets. The one thing that is certain is that God said in his word “ I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). God is going to be my comforter in times of sorrow. God is going to be my friend when I am lonely. God is going to be there no matter what happens. God please help me!!

Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Because when I slow down my mind thinks of her. Must be praying! Must be praying! Must be praying! Jesus fill the void I feel without her in my life. Fill my heart! Fill my heart! Fill my heart! I need you badly the sorrow is incomprehensible. Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Turn my sorrow into gladness. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. I AM HERE AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Hold my hand Father! I AM. I feel so bad! I KNOW. What should I do? JUST BE STILL MY SON. I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. I’m scared! I KNOW.

WRESTLING WITH GOD ( Genesis 32:24 )

2/28/10 Genesis 32:24 “Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day." Such a powerful verse for me. When I think about the word ALONE I think of overwhelmingly secluded darkness. Wait! That’s how I used to feel. My whole life I never wanted to be alone. I would search out others to fill the empty space inside. This meant I would be indiscriminate in my choice for friends. I always felt like an outsider and this feeling lead me down a path seeking others who felt the same way. I was 8 years old when I smoked my first joint. By 10 I was regularly using pot and using alcohol. The short version of my drug use is that by 17 I was in drug rehab. I felt comfortable with the people that were there. We were a bunch of misfits with a common background and goal. The goal was to fill the empty space inside. When I finished 10 months of drug rehab I went back to high school and I once again felt very isolated and alone. Now I had no way of filling this empty space in my heart. I was alone!! I felt that overwhelming darkness that I tried so hard to fill with drugs and alcohol. Now my friends were nonexistent. Even my best friend Marijuana I didn’t talk to anymore. I was Left to fend for myself in a world where I was an alien. Even my friends from the drug rehab were back using again. I was all alone meandering through life. I went to community college and it took me 5 years to complete a 2 year degree. I felt self-reliant, strong and invincible. I can’t tell you haw many times I wrestled with God and won. Then one day my self-reliance was stripped away and I found out I had bone cancer in my leg. I spent a year going in and out of the hospital for chemotherapy, surgery and rehabilitation. I was no longer self-reliant, but I was totally reliant on my mother to feed me, bath me, take me to the bathroom and at times wipe my butt. Then about six months into chemotherapy a friend invited me to church. I didn’t want to go, but I really didn’t have any better offers. At the church I felt out of place like I did in high school. Then at the end of the sermon the pastor gave an invitation to receive the gift of salvation. Then once again God came and wrestled with me. This time I gave up and let him win. For the first time in my life I felt a peace in my heart. I finally got that space filled that I was trying to fill my whole life. I no longer felt like an alien in a strange world. I felt comfortable with the people that were there. We were a bunch of misfits with a common background and goal. The goal was to fill the empty space inside. This time it worked. I received Jesus Christ as my lord and savior and never regretted my decision. John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” Now the word ALONE isn’t such a scary word, because I am never alone. Jesus says in Mathew 28:20 “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." What a great promise. How reassuring it is for me that I am never alone and whatever I am going through in life Jesus is with me. Thank you Jesus.