When I Was A Child (1Corinthians 13:11)

4/20/10 The winter solstice and the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It's all due to Earth's tilt, which ensures that the shortest day of every year falls around December 21. The shortest day of the year was also my darkest! I have 1 email message that is marked unread in my Yahoo inbox on the 21 of December. The message is FROM Claude Ducloux and the SUBJECT is “Final Decree”. I have been looking at that unmarked message for about 4 months now as a constant reminder of my impending doom of a marriage. After talking to my soon to be x-wife I am finally coming to the harsh reality that I will soon no longer be married to xxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx. She was my everything and I couldn’t imagine life without her. We have been separated for a year now and I think I have more pain and cried more that year then my whole life combined (I would including from birth).This past year I would describe it as Growing Pains. The definition of “Growing Pains” : 1. Pains in the limbs and joints of children or adolescents, often attributed to rapid growth but arising from various unrelated causes.
2. Emotional difficulties that occur during adolescence.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1Corinthians 13:11). I feel like I have aged tremendously both physically and spiritually. Physically I just feel worn-out old! Spiritually I feel new like a child. God’s word is alive and active and I am amazed how a scripture I’ve read a bunch of times before is now a new word from HIM. I hope I never lose it!!!! Now I am filled with uncertainty and regrets. The one thing that is certain is that God said in his word “ I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). God is going to be my comforter in times of sorrow. God is going to be my friend when I am lonely. God is going to be there no matter what happens. God please help me!!

Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Because when I slow down my mind thinks of her. Must be praying! Must be praying! Must be praying! Jesus fill the void I feel without her in my life. Fill my heart! Fill my heart! Fill my heart! I need you badly the sorrow is incomprehensible. Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Turn my sorrow into gladness. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. I AM HERE AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Hold my hand Father! I AM. I feel so bad! I KNOW. What should I do? JUST BE STILL MY SON. I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. I’m scared! I KNOW.

Vomited Onto Dry Land (Jonah 2:10)

3/15/10 Deuteronomy 7:6 “Of all the people on earth, the Lord your God has chosen you to be his own special treasure.”
This scripture speaks of me being valuable to God. When I think of treasure I think of the ride in Disney World. You get on a boat and go gently down the stream and the you hear the song: “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me”… They are singing of robbing and stealing and drinking while holding the gold in their hands that they plundered. It’s really not an edifing ride. Yet I am reminded of my rebellion even after I became a Christian. I was no better than a common pirate. Robbing and stealing from God in my heart. Trying to hold on to worthless, earthly, shiny idol treasures, thinking that it would make me happy. The reality was that in the kingdom of God, I was producing wood, hay, and stubble. “Now if anyone builds on this foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each one’s work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one’s work, of what sort it is. If anyone’s work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone’s work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire” (1 Corinthians 3:12-15 ). A lot of the time I was serving the god of this world (1cor 4:4) and not the One true Living God, Jesus Christ. Even when my endeavors seemed to shine as gold or precious jewels, God saw my works. In Revelation, we see Jesus talking to a church that seemed to have it all together. “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth” (Revelation 3:15-16). I was going through the motions and I spoke fluent Christianeeze! I knew the right words to say, the verses in the Bible to turn to, and even the proper reaction to someone else's sin. The problem was while I was taking the speck out of other people's eyes, the plank in my own eye was knocking them over (Matthew 7:1-5). My vision was spiritually hindered and I was hardly able to walk because of the weight on the plank. Until finally the weight was too heavy to hold up and my world came crashing down. I was deceptive, self-serving, and apparently would do anything for my sin, because after many warnings, my beautiful wife, xxxx, left me. In James 1:14-15 “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” I killed my marriage! “ Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction”(Galatians 6:7-8). I was finally thrown into the sea left to drown in my sin. Then “the LORD had prepared a great fish to swallow” me up (Jonah 1:17). As I was in the belly of the whale, I cried out to HIM and realized my life was empty. I had been running away from God and my life was a living HELL! “Those who regard worthless idols Forsake their own Mercy. 9 But I will sacrifice to You With the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay what I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD” (Jonah 2:8-9). “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God” (Job 19: 25-26). “10 So the LORD spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land (Jonah 2:10). God has chastened me and put me on the right path. I can say honestly that I am the most right with God that I’ve ever been in my life. Psalms 119:71 “ It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes.” Although I feel I am finally right with God, this doesn’t mean there isn’t consequences for my sin. I still had to deal with the fish guts and smell that was the natural out come of willful disobedience to God. I have great regrets of my failed marriage and wish I would have learned this lesson an easier way. I know whatever the LORD has in store, He keeps telling me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2Corinthians 12:9-10). PRAISE GOD!!!!!