Can these bones live? (Ezekiel 37:1-6)

6/03/10 I feel real needy. I just coming to the realization that I will be single again. God I hate this! I hate the feeling of uncertainty the feeling of insecurity. I miss the comfort of my wife. It’s funny why should I feel like I’m going to miss her more when we get divorced? It’s not like I’ve seen her and I have hardly talked to her. I guess I’m going to miss the HOPE of one day being reunited with xxxx. Now it feels hopeless! For some reason I just can’t grasp the concept of me not being with her one day. This feeling is worse then the loss of my mother! I don’t understand it! People get divorced and remarry and go on with their lives. I will never get another mother, I’ve known her my whole life she raised me took care of me and yet I morn my impending divorce with much more grief and sorrow. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
I guess it’s the ripping apart of one flesh and creating two halves of a torn up mangled body. I feel beaten and bloody almost lifeless. I know God can and will heal me, but I know I will always have the scars as a reminder of my past failures. I feel like damaged goods! I feel sorry for the next woman that get involved with me. (I just got a scripture come to mind.) Ezekiel 37:1-3“The hand of the LORD came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord GOD, You know.” I am always amazed how you always answer me in my troubles. “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow” (Hebrews 4:12). When I am in despair You comfort me. Thank you Jesus for caring and loving me like a son. “Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the LORD.” Ezekiel 37:5-6 :~)

When I Was A Child (1Corinthians 13:11)

4/20/10 The winter solstice and the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It's all due to Earth's tilt, which ensures that the shortest day of every year falls around December 21. The shortest day of the year was also my darkest! I have 1 email message that is marked unread in my Yahoo inbox on the 21 of December. The message is FROM Claude Ducloux and the SUBJECT is “Final Decree”. I have been looking at that unmarked message for about 4 months now as a constant reminder of my impending doom of a marriage. After talking to my soon to be x-wife I am finally coming to the harsh reality that I will soon no longer be married to xxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx. She was my everything and I couldn’t imagine life without her. We have been separated for a year now and I think I have more pain and cried more that year then my whole life combined (I would including from birth).This past year I would describe it as Growing Pains. The definition of “Growing Pains” : 1. Pains in the limbs and joints of children or adolescents, often attributed to rapid growth but arising from various unrelated causes.
2. Emotional difficulties that occur during adolescence.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1Corinthians 13:11). I feel like I have aged tremendously both physically and spiritually. Physically I just feel worn-out old! Spiritually I feel new like a child. God’s word is alive and active and I am amazed how a scripture I’ve read a bunch of times before is now a new word from HIM. I hope I never lose it!!!! Now I am filled with uncertainty and regrets. The one thing that is certain is that God said in his word “ I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). God is going to be my comforter in times of sorrow. God is going to be my friend when I am lonely. God is going to be there no matter what happens. God please help me!!

Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Because when I slow down my mind thinks of her. Must be praying! Must be praying! Must be praying! Jesus fill the void I feel without her in my life. Fill my heart! Fill my heart! Fill my heart! I need you badly the sorrow is incomprehensible. Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Turn my sorrow into gladness. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. I AM HERE AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Hold my hand Father! I AM. I feel so bad! I KNOW. What should I do? JUST BE STILL MY SON. I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. I’m scared! I KNOW.

Lord of the Rings (Luke 15:22-24)

4/17/10 O Lord I know you have wisdom and power beyond my comprehension. You say in your word “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD”(Isaiah 55:8). I am constantly reminded of this almost daily. I spoke to my wife last night and it was a good conversation. We spoke of things that mattered and things that were on our hearts. It’s been about two months since we last talked and the conclusion was that she still wants the divorce. “ You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” Psalms 56:8). I had hurt her so much that she just can’t get past the pain and the uncertainty of me hurting her again(she didn’t say that exactly). Her tone was one of it doesn’t matter what I do now because her consistent question for me was “ why didn’t I do this before we were separated” and another question she would ask “ why didn’t you ever love me”? To these questions I have no good answer. I had a rebellious heart that was so hard that I couldn’t see past my own evil desires. “We know we have rebelled and have denied the Lord. We have turned our backs on our God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies” (Isaiah 59:13). She had a fair questions for me and deserves a fair answer. My only reply is “I have always loved you and I always will”. My actions didn’t show it because I was stuck in my sin. “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death(James 1:14-15). I killed our marriage and it appears that there will be no resurrection. My prayers have not been unanswered because in the process of prayer God gave me a new heart.“ I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart (Ezekiel 36:26). God didn’t give me what I wanted which was a restored marriage. He gave me “a tender, responsive heart”. God I pray in your son’s name Jesus that you would give xxxx a new heart. Lord you know exactly what she needs, and I pray that you would speak to her the way you speak to me. Soften her heart Lord.
I know this video I posted Is a little psycho! It’s how I’m feeling @ the moment.

The Bride of My Youth

The bride of my youth

The bride of my youth
O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

Her beauty and exquisiteness
Unending love I must confess.
Sent from heaven above.

The bride of my youth
A small bouquet, a wedding dress,
A budding flower, spring caress,
Fragrant, scented, sweet belove.

A pleasant blooming meadow rose!
Sweet innocence, beloved, betrothed,
Flying, soaring, peaceful dove.

The bride of my youth
Full of promise, unable to mend?
A broken reed, lost friend.
Raining, stormy clouds above.

Kinsman redeemer covering save,
Restore my marriage from the grave?
Only with remembered love.

The bride of my youth
What will happen? What will be?
When my dove wants to be free?
A caged bird, let loose of.

O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

God is Greater Than Our Heart (1John 3:20)

3/30/10 I sent out an Easter present to my wife xxxx today. It was the gift basket that I was supposed have given her for valentines day except that it got lost in the mail. I just received it about a week ago. As I was preparing the basket it looked a little sparse so I went looking for something to fill-in the empty space. As I was looking I just couldn’t make up my mind. I got real sad because I felt like I wanted the perfect item and I couldn’t find it. Then I realized that it doesn’t matter what I put in the basket, it isn’t going to make her say “Look at this beautiful gift! Why did I ever leave him? I want him back!” We have been separated now for almost a year and our communication is almost nonexistent. GOD I MISS HER!! I miss the bride of my youth. I miss the promise of partnership, the promise of growing old together, the promise of the security, the promise to have and to hold, I miss my friend I miss my partner, I miss my lover, I miss my wife. What I notice when reading over this short list. I guess I know the root of our marriage failure. It can be summed up in word MY. I was a very selfish man in our marriage. This selfishness translated into a-one-sided-boat-flipping-treading-water-drownig-sinking-death of a marriage. There was no way that we could have stayed afloat forever. Eventually we were going to get tired and sink. I’m not sure how long I am going to keep dwelling on my past sins(I guess at least this one more time). There goes that self defecating(I ment this word) talk again. I know that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit”(Romans 8:1). I know I have been cleansed and washed by the blood of Jesus. “how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?(Hebrews 9:14). I know I am a new creation. “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun (2 Corinthians 5:17). Lord I am claiming what you have said about me. I will no longer listen to myself or the demonic forces at work that wants to continually remind me of who I was. “knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin” (Romans 6:6). The word “I” Should no longer be in my vocabulary when referring to who I am. I need only to listen to what HE has to say about me. The “ I AM”(Exodus 3:14) is the only one I should listen to. “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things”(1John 3:20 )