Can these bones live? (Ezekiel 37:1-6)

6/03/10 I feel real needy. I just coming to the realization that I will be single again. God I hate this! I hate the feeling of uncertainty the feeling of insecurity. I miss the comfort of my wife. It’s funny why should I feel like I’m going to miss her more when we get divorced? It’s not like I’ve seen her and I have hardly talked to her. I guess I’m going to miss the HOPE of one day being reunited with xxxx. Now it feels hopeless! For some reason I just can’t grasp the concept of me not being with her one day. This feeling is worse then the loss of my mother! I don’t understand it! People get divorced and remarry and go on with their lives. I will never get another mother, I’ve known her my whole life she raised me took care of me and yet I morn my impending divorce with much more grief and sorrow. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh, so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:7-9)
I guess it’s the ripping apart of one flesh and creating two halves of a torn up mangled body. I feel beaten and bloody almost lifeless. I know God can and will heal me, but I know I will always have the scars as a reminder of my past failures. I feel like damaged goods! I feel sorry for the next woman that get involved with me. (I just got a scripture come to mind.) Ezekiel 37:1-3“The hand of the LORD came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” So I answered, “O Lord GOD, You know.” I am always amazed how you always answer me in my troubles. “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow” (Hebrews 4:12). When I am in despair You comfort me. Thank you Jesus for caring and loving me like a son. “Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the LORD.” Ezekiel 37:5-6 :~)

O LORD, My Strength (Psalms 18:1-2)

4/24/10 Lord I’ve been praying for my marriage to be restored for a year now and I think I have been obsessed with the idea of being reunited with xxxx. This obsession I have come to realize was at the expense of my physical and emotional wellbeing. Well maybe not my emotional wellbeing because you O Lord have changed me tremendously. I do recognize that you were tearing me down so you could build me up on a firm foundation. Psalms 18:1-2 “I will love You, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” I feel like my problem is right now that I am starting to noticing other women at work at church that I never noticed before. I’m not sure if I am trying fill this emotional void in my life that xxxx used to fill. I feel like I am on a discovery channel documentary. There is this deserted island and I am a baby penguin. There are hundreds of thousands of us and I just lost my mother. So I am franticly searching for her . Then I see someone who looks like or acts like her and I go up to her and say “are you my mother?” (What I’m really saying is are you going to fill this void in my life?) Then you see the mother penguin chaise away the baby. Then you see him go to another and the same thing happens over and over again. Until finally the camera does a close-up on the baby penguin alone, confused, abandoned, and chirping in the air with no one paying attention to him. “I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof” Psalms (102:6-7). Lord I don’t want to do this!! I need you to fill the void in my life. I need you to be my comfort. I need you to be my security! I need to be secure in you before I look for someone else. I guess I’m just tired of being lonely. I miss someone paying attention to me. I miss the love and affection. I miss the touch of a warm soft hand. I miss a tender kiss.

Lonely am I? Am I lonely?
A void am I Trying to fill,
to be filled by you only?
Compelled by my will,
for a security that is phony?
Lord you are the I AM,
the I AM that is true.
i am a lump of clay,
i am nothing without you.
So mold me and shape me,
as I yield to your will.
Make me a man you are able to fill.
A vessel of honor made by your loving hand.
It’s by your loving touch, that I can finally be a man.

The Bride of My Youth

The bride of my youth

The bride of my youth
O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

Her beauty and exquisiteness
Unending love I must confess.
Sent from heaven above.

The bride of my youth
A small bouquet, a wedding dress,
A budding flower, spring caress,
Fragrant, scented, sweet belove.

A pleasant blooming meadow rose!
Sweet innocence, beloved, betrothed,
Flying, soaring, peaceful dove.

The bride of my youth
Full of promise, unable to mend?
A broken reed, lost friend.
Raining, stormy clouds above.

Kinsman redeemer covering save,
Restore my marriage from the grave?
Only with remembered love.

The bride of my youth
What will happen? What will be?
When my dove wants to be free?
A caged bird, let loose of.

O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

God is Greater Than Our Heart (1John 3:20)

3/30/10 I sent out an Easter present to my wife xxxx today. It was the gift basket that I was supposed have given her for valentines day except that it got lost in the mail. I just received it about a week ago. As I was preparing the basket it looked a little sparse so I went looking for something to fill-in the empty space. As I was looking I just couldn’t make up my mind. I got real sad because I felt like I wanted the perfect item and I couldn’t find it. Then I realized that it doesn’t matter what I put in the basket, it isn’t going to make her say “Look at this beautiful gift! Why did I ever leave him? I want him back!” We have been separated now for almost a year and our communication is almost nonexistent. GOD I MISS HER!! I miss the bride of my youth. I miss the promise of partnership, the promise of growing old together, the promise of the security, the promise to have and to hold, I miss my friend I miss my partner, I miss my lover, I miss my wife. What I notice when reading over this short list. I guess I know the root of our marriage failure. It can be summed up in word MY. I was a very selfish man in our marriage. This selfishness translated into a-one-sided-boat-flipping-treading-water-drownig-sinking-death of a marriage. There was no way that we could have stayed afloat forever. Eventually we were going to get tired and sink. I’m not sure how long I am going to keep dwelling on my past sins(I guess at least this one more time). There goes that self defecating(I ment this word) talk again. I know that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit”(Romans 8:1). I know I have been cleansed and washed by the blood of Jesus. “how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?(Hebrews 9:14). I know I am a new creation. “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun (2 Corinthians 5:17). Lord I am claiming what you have said about me. I will no longer listen to myself or the demonic forces at work that wants to continually remind me of who I was. “knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin” (Romans 6:6). The word “I” Should no longer be in my vocabulary when referring to who I am. I need only to listen to what HE has to say about me. The “ I AM”(Exodus 3:14) is the only one I should listen to. “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things”(1John 3:20 )