5/23/10 8:30pm I am feeling very needy right now! It is exactly 7 days to the minuet that I found out that my mom died! I miss her so much. I was feeling bad earlier this week and I thought for a couple of seconds that I was going to call my mom to talk about it and then I remembered (that stinker). I don’t know what to do lord. I’m having a bad year. I guess it could be worse, but I’m not exactly sure how. Lord please help me . Help me to focus on you. I feel like I want beer!! What I really want is to put my head on xxxx’s lap and have her rub my head and say everything’s going to be alright while I fall asleep. It’s not going to happen! Ever! I was trying to call some of my friends, but no one answered. Isn’t it strange that I go to my friends first and not you Lord Jesus? Sometime I forget that you are always with me and that you will never leave me or forsake me. Right now I feel that overwhelming-dark-depressive-inescapable-loneliness again. Jesus help me please! Talk to me comfort me fill me I feel so empty. The morning after my mom died I went to the beach to see the sunrise, but it was so cloudy that I couldn’t see the sun. As I sat there waiting it started to rain and it felt good. I felt like God was cleansing me and that He was going to make all things new. I don’t know what you have in store for me Lord God, but what I do know is that you allow things to happen so I can grow stronger. What’s that saying “what ever doesn’t kill you…” After I was about to leave the beach I looked out over the water and I had missed the sunrise, but God gave me the most incredible view of the sun just peeking through the clouds. I could see the rays of light hitting the ocean. It was so beautiful. When my father died my mom would call me and tell me how the sun beams reminded her of my father. She said it felt like he was telling her that everything is going to be OK.. Now I see the beams, but I don’t think it’s my mom telling me I’m going to be ok. I feel like God is speaking to me. I feel like He is telling me to wait and "Be still, and know that I am God”(Psalm 46:10).
Living here in Florida I noticed that when a hurricane or a large storm comes a lot of tree get knocked down. What I rarely see is a palm tree knocked over. The palm tree isn’t the strongest tree, and yet it rarely get knocked over. Why is that? I think I know why. It is because a palm tree has a long trunk and at the top it has its branches. When the strong storms comes and the pressure of the wind blows on the palm tree and the pressure gets to great the tree simply releases it’s branches and it becomes a bare stick. The wind blows and blows, but the palm tree has very little resistance to the pressures of the wind. So the wind goes whizzing by and the tree is spared and remains standing. It may look bare and lifeless but inside it is waiting for the storm to pass so it can grow again. May I be like the palm tree Lord. May I not resist the storms of life that will eventually pass. May I not lose perspective in that you are the one who allows the storms to come. May I be like the palm tree and when the pressures of life come and try to knock me down may I release all my troubles and pressures to You Lord Jesus. You say in your word “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"(Matthew 11:30). I give you my burden right now please lighten my load.
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I've been praying for you. Wish I could do more but praying is a pretty awesome thing too. Goodness, I pray for some happiness to come into your life also. I think you deserve it right about now. I know it is coming.
ReplyDeleteI liked your analogy of the palm tree. Good one. You know, I left Florida because of Hurricane Andrew. I lived in Homestead and went right through the eye of that nasty hurricane. NOT FUN. We had a bunch of naked palm trees after that and lots of rubble ha ha. You are so right. The palm trees were still standing and not much else. Well, after that I traded in the beach for GA mountains. Now we just go to Daytona to visit family. The beach is a great place to pray and relfect when it is quiet. It puts things into perspective more easily don't you think?
I know things are going to be hard for awhile. Losing a parent is horrible. Please hold strong, she would want that for you. You are calling on the one thing that will give you true peace, true comfort and everlasting joy....Jesus.
Psalm 23
1.A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2.He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
3.He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake.
4.Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5.You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.
6.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever
This is my prayer for you.
Stay strong. And I hope this doesn't make you angry but I hope you laugh today. You need to laugh. It will be good for you :)
your friend,
Jenn