The Bride of My Youth

The bride of my youth

The bride of my youth
O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

Her beauty and exquisiteness
Unending love I must confess.
Sent from heaven above.

The bride of my youth
A small bouquet, a wedding dress,
A budding flower, spring caress,
Fragrant, scented, sweet belove.

A pleasant blooming meadow rose!
Sweet innocence, beloved, betrothed,
Flying, soaring, peaceful dove.

The bride of my youth
Full of promise, unable to mend?
A broken reed, lost friend.
Raining, stormy clouds above.

Kinsman redeemer covering save,
Restore my marriage from the grave?
Only with remembered love.

The bride of my youth
What will happen? What will be?
When my dove wants to be free?
A caged bird, let loose of.

O how I long to kiss
O how I sorely miss
My one true love!

God is Greater Than Our Heart (1John 3:20)

3/30/10 I sent out an Easter present to my wife xxxx today. It was the gift basket that I was supposed have given her for valentines day except that it got lost in the mail. I just received it about a week ago. As I was preparing the basket it looked a little sparse so I went looking for something to fill-in the empty space. As I was looking I just couldn’t make up my mind. I got real sad because I felt like I wanted the perfect item and I couldn’t find it. Then I realized that it doesn’t matter what I put in the basket, it isn’t going to make her say “Look at this beautiful gift! Why did I ever leave him? I want him back!” We have been separated now for almost a year and our communication is almost nonexistent. GOD I MISS HER!! I miss the bride of my youth. I miss the promise of partnership, the promise of growing old together, the promise of the security, the promise to have and to hold, I miss my friend I miss my partner, I miss my lover, I miss my wife. What I notice when reading over this short list. I guess I know the root of our marriage failure. It can be summed up in word MY. I was a very selfish man in our marriage. This selfishness translated into a-one-sided-boat-flipping-treading-water-drownig-sinking-death of a marriage. There was no way that we could have stayed afloat forever. Eventually we were going to get tired and sink. I’m not sure how long I am going to keep dwelling on my past sins(I guess at least this one more time). There goes that self defecating(I ment this word) talk again. I know that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit”(Romans 8:1). I know I have been cleansed and washed by the blood of Jesus. “how much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without spot to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?(Hebrews 9:14). I know I am a new creation. “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun (2 Corinthians 5:17). Lord I am claiming what you have said about me. I will no longer listen to myself or the demonic forces at work that wants to continually remind me of who I was. “knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin” (Romans 6:6). The word “I” Should no longer be in my vocabulary when referring to who I am. I need only to listen to what HE has to say about me. The “ I AM”(Exodus 3:14) is the only one I should listen to. “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things”(1John 3:20 )

He Crushed It Into a Lump of Clay (Jeremiah 18:2-4)

3/28/10 Yesterday night I did street evangelism with about 6 other people. I feel like God is calling me to step out of my comfort zone. We paired up and I went with a woman named Rebecca. She was fearless when she would talk to the people on the streets. Me on the other hand, I was terrified! I felt so self-conscious and it took everything I had to go up to people I didn’t know and try to strike up a conversation. I did feel more comfortable after a few times doing it. We spoke to a couple of kids(under 30) and they were wishy-washy about spiritual things. We prayed with/for them to get a better understanding and better relationship with Jesus. Then we talked to a guy named Jeff. He was a middle aged fellow who was sitting on a barrier wall between the beach and the road watching the college kids hanging out at the Elbowroom Bar. We spoke to him for 45mins about God’s love and spiritual things. I asked him if he wanted to receive Jesus as his savior and he said No! We proceeded to talk with him for another 10mins and I asked him once again and he said No. Then just as we were about to leave we spoke to him about sin and the need to be redeemed from the consequences of sin etc.. When we finished speaking with him, it looked like a light went on in his head and his face looked different( almost shining). Then I asked him once again if he wanted to receive Jesus as his Lord and savior. This time he said yes!! ( I thought to myself really?) I lead him in the “sinners prayer” and he accepted Jesus as his Lord and savior. He seemed so grateful and thanked us for everything. We gave him the book of John and other literature. God you are so awesome! I am so glad you didn’t give up on me when I was so far away from you. I was reading in the book of Jeremiah chapter 18 and I have read this before, but now the words just JUMPED right off the page at me! Jeremiah 18:2-4“Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over”. Lord I thank you that you loved me so much that you did not allow me to say stuck in my sin. You loved me so much that you disciplined me and You crushed me and started over. “As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father?”(Hebrews 12:7). God you wanted me to be a vessel of honor so you could use me to do your will. Romans 9:21 says “Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?” Lord I know that you formed me from the dust of the ground and breathed life into me(Gen 2:7) . You know everything about me for you said "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart”(Jeremiah 1:5). One of my new favorite verses that I cling to with all of my heart is psalms 119:71“ It is good for me that I have been afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes.” I do believe that you allowed my wife to leave me so you could get my attention. I wish I could have learned to obey and trust you a different way. But I know that I am so stubborn and would still be stuck in my sin. Lord Jesus I pray in your Holy name for the restoration of our marriage. I pray that you would heal/soften Her heart and draw her back to you. I know in your word that you hate divorce (Malachi 2:16) so I am praying for a supernatural healing of our marriage. But if for some reason you do not restore our marriage, I am going to trust in faith that you will work all things for good (Romans 8:28). I am learning to trust you and I know that you have never let me down. Lord Increase my faith.

Can Two Walk Together, Unless They Are Agreed?(Amos 3:3)

3/25/10 I was walking in Publix the other day and I was thinking and praying as I often do about my wife and our marriage and I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit. Not an audible voice, but a quiet whisper in my mind that said “ Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3) I thought it was from the part of scripture in Ecclesiastes 4 where it says” Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor…” When I went home to look it up, it was a totally different scripture then I had thought. Then I interpreted it as the Holy Spirit telling me that if my wife xxxx doesn’t want to be married to me there is nothing I can do about it. DAH! What a revelation! I think somewhere in my mind I was thinking somehow I can change her mind or just will it into being so. Amos speaks of agreeing to walk together. If I agree to walk with xxxx and she doesn’t agree to walk with me, then I am either following her or stalking her. Either way I look at it, we are not walking together because we are not in agreement. So I keep praying that God will restore my marriage and trust that He will do it. I feel like such a hypocrite just writing those words. I say that I trust God to do whatever He wants in my life, but I still try to impose my will on my wife and on God. Am I truly trusting God? NO! With My lips I say I trust him, but in my heart I don’t. I will let God take control and drive for a little while then if He is not taking me in the direction I feel like we should be going, I will grab the steering wheel and try to go in another direction. The problem with that is that I have no control of the gas peddle or the breaks! Eventually I am going to crash. As I look at the scripture in the context of this chapter, it doesn’t speak of two people walking together and not agreeing at all. It speaks of me walking together with God. A lot of times I pray or do something then after the fact I ask God to bless it. This verse can apply to me personally in that; if I am truly going to walk together with God, then I must be in agreement with Him and His will. I cannot do something and then after the fact ask God to come alongside and bless it. I need to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness”(Matt 33-34) and let Jesus drive. If I allow Jesus to drive in my life, then all I have to do is sit back and relax. Easy for me to say, but what a hard thing to do. I have come to realize that I am often self-centered, self-absorbed, self-sufficient, self-reliant, and narcissistic. I need to let Jesus be in control not me. Lord God I want to be more like you. I want your strength and power in my life. I need your guidance not only with wisdom for my marriage, but in every aspect of my life. “He must increase, but I must decrease.”(John 3:30)

Who Am I in Christ? (Colossians 2:10)

Who Am I in Christ?
2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” The word new can be translated in the original language as: new or fresh and the word Creation can be translated as: the act or the product. So I am a new fresh created product in Christ Jesus. I’m not a refurbished creation, but a new one still in the box! I am a one of a kind original work of art created to do good works(eph 2:10)and there is nothing lacking in me “you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.”(col 2:10). The word Complete can also mean: to fill to the full. The word in can be translated as: by or with, and the word HIM in the context of this verse means the person of Jesus. This verse can also read : I am filled to the full with or by Jesus Christ, who is the head of all principality and power. Jesus is the supreme leader the one who is in charge. There is no co-managers or co-leaders, He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. If I am filled to the full with Jesus, then there is nothing lacking in me. Lord God I believe that the bible is Your word. It is infallible and can be trusted as the inspired WORD OF GOD. I believe all of the promises in the bible and that they apply to me! Personally! I hear you speak to me daily and I thank you that you guide and direct me. Thank you Jesus! I’m not sure if I will ever grasp the magnitude of who you are Lord Jesus and who I am in you. “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” (1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT) Who am I in Christ? I’m not exactly sure. What I do know is that Christ is in me!!!!

Lord I Believe ( Mark 9:24)

3/21/10 Recently I was communicating with a person who said that I have a lot of head knowledge of who God is, but it hasn’t sunk into my heart yet. Lord I don’t think this is true at all. I feel like You are talking to me in ways I didn’t think possible. I feel your all consuming power and grace when I am at my lowest points. I read your work and it cuts right to my heart and consumes me. “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”(Hebrews 4:12) With all that said, maybe she’s right. Lately I feel like my perception of reality can be tainted by my emotions and what I am feeling in my heart.“ The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.(Jeremiah 17:9-10) I am going to diligently seek after You Lord God and seek wisdom in this matter. I read in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” Lord I am taking You at your word. I am seeking wisdom and I’m asking in faith and I believe you will give me a deeper understanding of who You are and who I am in Christ. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

The Lord gives his people strength. (Psalms 29:11)

3/19/10 "The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace." (Psalms 29:11) O Lord I feel like you spoke to me yesterday through Your Holy Spirit. I feel like I had a breakthrough and you gave me insight to the root of the problems that plagued me my entire life. I can some up my entire problem in one word. INSECURITY! The definition of Insecurity: a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner). I remember even from nursery school feelings of insecurity and an overwhelming sense of mistrust of others. I believe my insecurity stems from when I was molested at 3 or 4 years old . I’m not sure who it was, but I think it was someone from the neighborhood we were we lived. I believe from that point on my innocence was taken away and it altered my overall perception of people around me and who I was as a person. As I look back I didn’t feel like my mom had protected me from the dangerous person and if my mom who was my whole world (like god to me)couldn’t protect me, then there is no way I can be ever feel safe. This translated to how I reacted and interacted with everyone I met. I can remember from nursery school to high school how I would try to hide or blend in with the crowd. I would hardly talk to anybody for the first half of a school year. Then after I got an overall perspective of who everybody was and who could hurt me or had the potential to hurt me , then I felt comfortable enough to talk. People would say to me “why didn’t you talk before” or some would say “you are like a different person.” The truth was I felt like there were two different people inside of me. The first person was a shy scared little child that felt paralyzed in normal social situations. The second person was a funny outgoing “normal” person. I felt like I was schizophrenic. What made it worse was that I would change schools about every two years. Every aspect of my lifewas affected and not it seems that my marriage is another victim. Lord Jesus I thank you that you love me even when I don’t feel lovable. It doesn’t matter how I feel Your love for me Lord Jesus will never change. I thank you that you are molding me and shaping me into the image of your Son. I’m just starting my long journey to wholeness and Lord I know you will and are delivering me from my bondage of fear and insecurity. I am 41 years old and I just realized that I am a scared three year old child inside. Lord God help me to heal, help me to be secure in you , and help me to be whole. “I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak his praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart. Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness; let us exalt his name together. I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears (Psalms 34:1-4).