WRESTLING WITH GOD ( Genesis 32:24 )

2/28/10 Genesis 32:24 “Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day." Such a powerful verse for me. When I think about the word ALONE I think of overwhelmingly secluded darkness. Wait! That’s how I used to feel. My whole life I never wanted to be alone. I would search out others to fill the empty space inside. This meant I would be indiscriminate in my choice for friends. I always felt like an outsider and this feeling lead me down a path seeking others who felt the same way. I was 8 years old when I smoked my first joint. By 10 I was regularly using pot and using alcohol. The short version of my drug use is that by 17 I was in drug rehab. I felt comfortable with the people that were there. We were a bunch of misfits with a common background and goal. The goal was to fill the empty space inside. When I finished 10 months of drug rehab I went back to high school and I once again felt very isolated and alone. Now I had no way of filling this empty space in my heart. I was alone!! I felt that overwhelming darkness that I tried so hard to fill with drugs and alcohol. Now my friends were nonexistent. Even my best friend Marijuana I didn’t talk to anymore. I was Left to fend for myself in a world where I was an alien. Even my friends from the drug rehab were back using again. I was all alone meandering through life. I went to community college and it took me 5 years to complete a 2 year degree. I felt self-reliant, strong and invincible. I can’t tell you haw many times I wrestled with God and won. Then one day my self-reliance was stripped away and I found out I had bone cancer in my leg. I spent a year going in and out of the hospital for chemotherapy, surgery and rehabilitation. I was no longer self-reliant, but I was totally reliant on my mother to feed me, bath me, take me to the bathroom and at times wipe my butt. Then about six months into chemotherapy a friend invited me to church. I didn’t want to go, but I really didn’t have any better offers. At the church I felt out of place like I did in high school. Then at the end of the sermon the pastor gave an invitation to receive the gift of salvation. Then once again God came and wrestled with me. This time I gave up and let him win. For the first time in my life I felt a peace in my heart. I finally got that space filled that I was trying to fill my whole life. I no longer felt like an alien in a strange world. I felt comfortable with the people that were there. We were a bunch of misfits with a common background and goal. The goal was to fill the empty space inside. This time it worked. I received Jesus Christ as my lord and savior and never regretted my decision. John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” Now the word ALONE isn’t such a scary word, because I am never alone. Jesus says in Mathew 28:20 “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." What a great promise. How reassuring it is for me that I am never alone and whatever I am going through in life Jesus is with me. Thank you Jesus.

I must Decrease ( John 3:30 )

2/26/10 Just woke up and getting ready for work. I like working because it is a good distraction for me. I work 12hr shifts 7pm to 7am. In that time it can be really busy or sometimes very slow. It’s the slow times that I will start to get a little lonely. It gives me time to think about what I should have done, not done, said, not said etc… I have had a thousand arguments in my mind and won most of them. I will replay past conversations rewind and then play it again, then rewind and play again rewind play again and again…. Sometimes I have a self loathing attitude and other times I would have a poor me attitude. I am so self absorbed it is pathetic! I want to be Christ centered not self centered. Lord I want to be your servant, but I am getting in the way. John 3:30 “He must increase, but I must decrease.” Jesus please help me to be the man of God you called me to be.

The Man in The Mirror ( Exodus 38:8 )

2/25/10 Wore my new shorts shopping yesterday groceries errands etc… Looked at my shorts today and found a tag on the back sill on it TJ Max $14.99. The moral of the story is.… Exodus 38:8 “Bezalel made the bronze washbasin and its bronze stand from bronze mirrors donated by the women who served at the entrance of the Tabernacle.” The bronze washbasin served one great purpose, the washing and cleansing of the priest from all defilement. It was placed between the tabernacle of meeting and the altar. The purpose was to get rid of the dirt and grime that touched the outside world.
Lord I am so distracted in everything I do. I get so engrossed in my own mind and circumstances that I lose site of you in my day to day life. Lord cleanse me from the defilement of this world. Remind me that you are there even when I can’t see past my own reflection. Lord may I be a reflection of you.

The man in the mirror.
Esau am I?
A reflection of a man,
is it me?
Fallen in sin,
God where are you?
HE is always there,
I just refused to see HIM.
Mirrors reflect only what it sees
What reflection am I?
The man in the mirror.
Esau am I? NO!
A reflection of Jesus,
Is it me?

Faith? (Mark 9:23-24)

2/23/10 I was thinking today how my faith has changed from when I first became a Christian. The first 5 years I would pray for someone or something and I would expect it to happen. I had the faith that moved mountains. I’m not sure what kind of faith I have now. I will pray and believe that God can do it, but will He? I pray for the restoration of my marriage and I believe that it is his will that we are to be together, BUT I also know that he gave us free will. We can choose to do his will and reap the blessings and benefits or we can go on our own and reap the consequences of our disobedience. So now when I pray for the restoration of my marriage I believe in faith that God will do it BUT…. LORD Jesus I pray that you would increase my faith. I want a faith that is able to move mountains. A faith that is unwavering and undoubting. Lord please restore the faith of my youth, Where all things are possible with you. Mark 9:23-24" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Take Delight in The Lord (Psalm 37:4-5)

2/22/10 Haven’t been sleeping well . I feel like I'm on a downward spiral. I average 4-5hrs a day of sleep and my jaw is tired from grinding my teeth. Lately I have been doubting that xxxx and I will ever get back together. From all outward appearances it looks like it’s over, but you lord have been speaking to me lately in my daily devotionals. You speak of waiting patiently on you lord and that you answer prayers. You also have been speaking to me about faith that can move mountains. I was just doing a daily devotional in Streams in The Desert. Psalm 37:4-5 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.”
Doing a simple concordance word study it can also be interpreted as:
delight = to be soft, be delicate or be dainty. He will give= to give, put, or set. Hearts desires=request or petition. Commit=roll together. Everything=of course of life or of moral character (fig.). Trust=to cause to trust or make secure. He will help you=act with effect. This verse can also read: 1. Take delight(be delicate) in the Lord, and he will give(set )you your heart’s desires(request). Commit(roll together) everything(course of life or moral character) you do to the Lord. Trust(make secure) him, and he will help you(act with effect). 2.2.I should be delicate or take great care in the Lord because he is the one who sets into place my requests. I need to combine my life and moral character for the Lord. When I am secure in him, he will act with effect. Lord God I pray in Jesus name that you will restore my marriage. I believe that you created this desire in me and that one day xxxx and I will become one flesh again. I give you my life and all my character defects. I believe in faith that you will bring back my marriage from the dead. I thank you and praise you in Jesus name.

Tempted Without Sin ( Hebrews 4:15 )

2/20/10 It’s another day and I feel a little better. I’m reading thought the bible in a year and right now I’m in Leviticus. Lord I know it’s your word and it doesn’t return void, but it is a very tedious read. There are all theses laws and rules I’m glad I am saved by grace. If I were back in the time of sacrifice then I would be broke from all the cattle I would have to kill. What I did notice is that You lord God take sin very seriously. I take it for granted that Jesus paid the price for my sin and I just cruise along as if there is no consequences for the sin. I once heard it said that when we sin and don’t think of the consequences of that sin “it’s like peeing on the sandals of Jesus”. Leviticus 10:1 “Aaron's sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the LORD, contrary to his command. 2 So fire came out from the presence of the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD.” What a powerful example of the consequences of sin. Nadab and Abihu offered censers to God , but sinned because they did not follow His command and did their own way not God‘s way. They sinned against the Lord and we see an immediate consequence for their sins. (Proverbs 22:8) “He who sows wickedness reaps trouble, and the rod of his fury will be destroyed.” There are many verses in god’s word that warn me of the consequences of sin. The problem comes when I sin and I don’t see a punishment for that sin right away. In my mind I think I got away with it. The key word here is SOWS. The word SOWS can also mean: to produce seed, yield seed or it can also mean to become pregnant. So when I sow sin the outcome may not be apparent immediately, but it will yield a sin harvest eventually. The trap I get into is the small compromises I sow into life’s ground. It will eventually reap a harvest of destruction. In the book of James we see a picture of the true nature of sin. (James 1:14-15) “Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death”
Temptation in it’s self is not a sin. (Hebrews 4:15) “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.” It is only when we dwell or fantasize about that a particular struggle that it becomes sin. (Matthew 5:27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” When I am actively in sin and eventually it will consume me and it will over take me and will lead to death. This death can manifest its’ self in two ways. 1. Physical death 2. Death meaning separation from God= Romans 6:20 “When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the obligation to do right. 21 And what was the result? You are now ashamed of the things you used to do, things that end in eternal doom. 22 But now you are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God. Now you do those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Lord I thank you for your grace and that you have set me free from the power of sin. (1 corinthians10:13) “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”

Darkest Valley (Psalm 23)

2/19/10 Today I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. I got my crown on my tooth looked at and He said that it would cost $902.00 to get a new one (that’s with insurance). I think that is a little high!!! I’m going to try to get it cheaper somewhere else. I also went shopping for clothing. I hate shopping and I really miss xxxx because she has such good taste. I looked at the clothing I got and it was mostly brown and dreary looking. I guess I’m in my “Picasso's Blue Period” phase. 20:15 pm or 19:15 in Austin Texas. Right now xxxx and George should be sitting down for a meal at Mizu Primesteak & Sushi. I can’t wait to see the pictures(sarcasm). I know this because xxxx is a fan on facebook for the xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxx. I also became a fan even though I don’t live in Texas. I get updates on upcoming events. I don’t know why I keep looking at the pictures of her and him!! I’m trying to inflict more pain on my self. Lord I Pray that you would make it a miserable time at the restaurant. I pray you would convict her heart and let this be the last meal they ever spend together! I sent xxxx a message on Facebook. It was a youtube video called two are better than one by Boys Like Girls. It’s a message of this guy missing his love and how it’s better for him when he was with her. It’s basically the message of the scripture Ecclesiastes 4 except that it is a secular song. I am trying to get some kind of response from xxxx , but lately she has been not talking to me (do you think she is giving me a hint?). I’m really in a bad space right now. I feel overwhelmingly-deep-disparagingly-uncontrollably-depressed(I think that's a word). I need to pull out of it! Lord please help me!! I feel separated from you and I need your comfort/peace in my heart. I know just because I feel this way it doesn’t mean that you are not there. It sure would help if you would reveal yourself to me right now. Psalms 23 just popped into my head. “The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.” Lord you are all I need and the one who gives me strength. I know in my darkest hours you are with me and I do not need to be afraid. You are my comforter and my protector in times when the enemy wants to destroy me. You have truly blessed me and I feel your love even when I feel unlovable. THANK YOU LORD FOR REVEALING YOURSELF TO ME! You are always faithful and when I cry out to you, you always answer me. I feel better.

Mustard seed (Matthew 17:20)

2/18/10 Lord I feel like I am on a journey of faith. Is faith something you give or is it something that I need to produce within myself? I‘m not sure . I feel like I have a wrong view of faith. Do I have faith that you Lord God will restore my marriage? I have faith that you can restore my marriage, but will you? That’s another question. Whether or not it is your will that xxxx and I are back together , still doesn‘t mean we will be back together. You gave us the capacity to have free will and we can choose your will or our will be done. I do believe if we choose our will, we are in for a lot of heart ache and pain. I see in your word that we are to ask in faith and you will do it.? My problem is when I ask for something in faith am I taking in to consideration your perfect will and mans freedom to choose (or not choose) your perfect will?(John 14:14 )“You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” If I ask for a restored marriage in your name does that mean You lord will do it? “ "Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours” ( Mark 11:22-24). If I ask for a restored marriage in prayer does that mean You lord will do it? Matthew 17:20 "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” If I ask for a restored marriage in faith even if it is as small as a mustard seed, does that mean You lord will do it? I think I am searching for the Genie in a bottle or Aladdin’s lamp. “I will grant you 3 wishes” ( that‘s what I want to hear?). Lord you are not someone who can be figured out. I cannot put you in a bottle and command you to grant me my requests. What I do know that you care for me and you hear every word I pray, see every tear I cry, and you know my inner being, how I yearn/groan in my heart for a restored marriage . I pray that you would take George out of the picture. I pray that you would bring xxxx back to you. I pray that you Lord Jesus will restore my marriage, but most of all I pray for your will be done. To confess something in my heart=== most of the time I want my will not yours God. I think a lot of times I put xxxx on the thrown where you should be Lord Jesus. Forgive me for often going to a false reality instead of the reality of YOU! The one thing I do know about faith is that faith in you is never wrong. I have faith that you will do what is best for me and you will work out all things for good in the end. Lord increase my faith.

“Arise and eat.” (1 kings 19:5)

2/17/10 One Minute Forty-Eight Seconds. That’s how long it took me to unload the dishwasher. It took me 3 days to get motivated to unload the dishwasher. It seems like almost everything is a struggle for me to get the strength to do something. Sometimes it‘s hard to get out of bed. I have been depressed for awhile now. I think I always had a little underlining depression, but it got real bad when xxxx left me and filed for the divorce. It has gotten a lot better, but there are days when I feel like there is a dark cloud over my head and a storm raging. "Then as he lay and slept under a broom tree, suddenly an angel touched him, and said to him, “Arise and eat”(1 Kings 19:5). Elijah was running from Jezebel because she wanted to kill him after he put to death Four hundred of the prophets of Baal . Then after running for a day in the desert he prayed to the Lord "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors"(1 kings 19:4). Elijah was in a great depression and he felt like he was in a hopeless situation. Then the Lord told him “Arise and eat.” I know when I am in the state of depression it’s even hard for me to eat. In the last 6 months I lost about 20 pounds without even trying. I remember asking my mother what should I do about my situation? She told me something that was so simple, but profound at the same time. She told me to “just keep on keeping on”. I wanted to give up because the feeling of hopelessness was so overwhelming. I just couldn’t see how I could continue the way things were going, but You Lord are with me even in my darkest hours. “ You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness”(Psalm 18:28). Lord you are my comfort in the storms of life . I thank you that you never give up on me, even when I give up on myself. You touched me and told me to “Arise and eat”. You Lord Jesus are my strength to "just keep on keeping on".

“I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

2/16/10 " But to the sons of Kohath he gave none, because theirs was the service of the holy things, which they carried on their shoulders." (Numbers 7:9)The leaders of Israel gave items to be "used in doing the work of the tabernacle of meeting"(numbers7:5). They gave carts and oxen to transport the tabernacle and all of its items. Each family was given carts and oxen according to how much they had to transport. The one exception was the sons of Kohath which received no cart or oxen. They were to carry the holy things on their shoulders. God had prescribed that the holy items in the tabernacle were to be carried and not carted around as the common items were. God wanted all to see that there was a difference between the common places in the tabernacle and the items in the holy of holies. In the same way I need to carry or present God to others in a place of honor and not as the world does. The world seems to blame God whenever some catastrophe strikes even though they don't acknowledge him otherwise. "It’s an act of god" would be a common phrase. Another is "If God is in control then why didn’t he...". Yet when the sun comes up isn't that an act of God? The birth of a baby isn't that an act of God. I'm going through a lot of things in my marriage and a possible divorce. I don't think I am holding God up as I should. I'm putting my situation in a cart being pulled by oxen as the world does, instead of lifting God up in the place of honor. Divorce or no divorce I need to praise God."My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees"(Psalm 19:71). Lord may I praise You in the good and the bad. Nothing takes you by surprise Lord God. I know that if this divorce does happen You will cause "everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them"( Romans 8:28). Lord God I believe that you will work it out for good. I know nothing is impossible for you. (Mark 9:24)...“I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” Increase my faith Lord!!! Lord I still think that it is possible for you to change xxxx's heart. I believe we can be reconciled and through this trial we can give you glory. Jesus please restore my marriage.

Finally!

2/14/10 Finally the blessed day of valentine’s day is almost over! I did send xxxx some Flair over face book. It was a pic of a Hawaiian flower and I wrote Aloha au iā 'oe love xxx. I sent it so that she wouldn’t get notification through email so she would have to find it to see it. I had 2 motives in doing this. 1st she would be surprised when she saw it. 2nd It would take her longer to find it( if she ever does) and her friends in Texas would know Her husband still loves her and is still pursuing her. O yea one more confession. I sent another Flair about 20mins ago with basically the same message of loving her. I know I am doing this in the flesh and I didn’t pray about this before I did it. I don’t think I wanted to hear the answer. This is what got me into trouble before. I do what I want to do and not think about the consequences of my actions. I think it all comes back to the trust issue! I don’t trust you lord Jesus to do what is best for me. If I did, then I would have consulted you in prayer to see if I should do what I did. Who knows maybe you would have given me the ok. My direction from you Lord Jesus goes back to my life verse. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.”( Proverbs 3:5-8) I have one more major occasion to get through for awhile and it is tomorrow the 15th of February. This is the day that I asked xxxx to marry me. I’m going to bed now so I can finally end this day!

“Speak, for Your servant hears.” (1 samuel 3:1-10)

2/13/10 (1Samuel 3:1-10) "1 Now the boy Samuel ministered to the LORD before Eli. And the word of the LORD was rare in those days; there was no widespread revelation. 2 And it came to pass at that time, while Eli was lying down in his place, and when his eyes had begun to grow so dim that he could not see, 3 and before the lamp of God went out in the tabernacle of the LORD where the ark of God was, and while Samuel was lying down, 4 that the LORD called Samuel. And he answered, “Here I am!” 5 So he ran to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” And he said, “I did not call; lie down again.” And he went and lay down. 6 Then the LORD called yet again, “Samuel!” So Samuel arose and went to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” He answered, “I did not call, my son; lie down again.” 7 (Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD, nor was the word of the LORD yet revealed to him.) 8 And the LORD called Samuel again the third time. So he arose and went to Eli, and said, “Here I am, for you did call me.” Then Eli perceived that the LORD had called the boy. 9 Therefore Eli said to Samuel, “Go, lie down; and it shall be, if He calls you, that you must say, ‘Speak, LORD, for Your servant hears.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place. 10 Now the LORD came and stood and called as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel answered, “Speak, for Your servant hears.” Samuel was busy serving God even from a boy"
I look at these verses and it really struck me that the Lord called Samuel three times and yet he didn’t recognize that it was the Lord calling him. I notice that Samuel didn‘t know the Lord even though he had served him from a small boy. “Now Samuel did not yet know the LORD, nor was the word of the LORD yet revealed to him” God revealed himself to Samuel and kept calling him until Samuel came to the realization that God was speaking to him personally. In the same way God was calling me my whole life and kept calling until I answered Him. I remember when Jesus revealed himself to me. I was sick with cancer for about 5 or 6 months when I got saved. I was invited to church by a friend of mine. The pastor was preaching about the grace of God then he gave an alter call and I responded to the call and received Jesus as my Lord and savior. I was saved then, but Jesus became personal to me about a month later. I was sick in bed and in a lot of pain and I remembered I had a bible that was given to me 5 years earlier from a high school secretary. I had spent a lot of time in the office visiting for various fights and skipping school. The secretary got to know me and when I graduated form high school she came to my house and dropped off a bible. I threw it in my dresser drawer and forgot about it. Then in my moment of weakness and sick as a dog from chemotherapy, I remembered the bible. I found it and read the inscription inside. It read “from Pat McKay Proverbs 3:5-8” I looked in the front to see where Proverbs was( in the past I only went to church for weddings and funerals). I read “ Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.” When I read this, instantly I knew that God was speaking directly to me. Here I was sick from chemotherapy and my leg was hurting from surgery because of bone cancer and 5 years earlier God had directed Pat to give me a bible so I could read it in my moment of great need! Then I understood that God had been calling/directing me from the beginning. I came to the realization that I was going to heaven and my sins were washed away and I was forgiven. Although I accepted Jesus as my savior I still held back some of my past hang ups. God had told me to trust in him with all my heart. The truth is I didn’t trust him. I trusted in me! I was wise in my own eyes! I didn’t depart from evil! Now the result is I am now separated from a beautiful woman who did everything she could to make our marriage work. Finally she left me out of desperation/disillusionment. I broke her heart because of my own selfishness. Now the Lord is calling me again. He uses trials to get my attention. Last time it was cancer and now it is divorce. The impending divorce is worst then any pain or heart ache I have ever experienced in the past. Lord God I am a broken man! I cry out to you for forgiveness and I have truly repented of my wicket ways. Lord I hear your voice calling me and all I can say is “Speak, for Your servant hears.”

I Am With You ( Isaiah 41:10 )

2/12/10 I Feel like I’m having high anxiety. It’s Friday and I know that the flowers might have arrived today or are going to be delivered tomorrow. I'm not sure that she will say anything when she receives it. Lately we haven't been talking to much and when I sent her something she might respond with how much she liked the it but it might be a week later. I know I am just freaking out I do that sometimes. Lord I know in your word you speak of not fearing , but it seems when I am in the middle of a FREAK OUT I tend to forget what I know about you is true." So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand "(Isaiah 41:10). Lord I know your word and still I am anxious. I think it is a faith issue. I must not trust that you are with me or why else would I be so fearful? Lord please increase my faith. Give me the faith to move mountains!! Right now I have the faith of a mustard seed(sometimes I feel like I don't even have that). I feel so sad and lonely. My heart and my stomach hurt. Lord Please give me peace in my heart. Lord I want to trust you with my whole heart, but I feel like I am holding back. Lord reveal to me the reason that I don't fully trust you. Lord increase my faith.

Aloha au iā 'oe

2/11/10 Lord I thank you that you are always in control even when I think everything is out of control. The package for xxxx hasn’t arrived yet! It’s probably because of all the snow that you rained down on the rest of the country. I guess this package wasn’t meant to be given on V-DAY. I do have a backup plan which is sending flowers( Hawaiian bouquet ) and on the card it says “ happy valentines day and I signed it Aloha au iā 'oe which means I love You in Hawaiian.They should arrive on Friday or Saturday. I’m not expecting much, but I do love her and I keep praying for her. Jesus I will stop treating her as my wife when you tell me not to or you say that we will not ever be reconciled back to marriage. I will always love her!!!!!!!!!
(Exodus:32)“1 When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, "Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don't know what has happened to him." 2 Aaron answered them, "Take off the gold earrings that your wives, your sons and your daughters are wearing, and bring them to me." 3 So all the people took off their earrings and brought them to Aaron. 4 He took what they handed him and made it into an idol cast in the shape of a calf, fashioning it with a tool. Then they said, "These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt." It’s amazing how similar I am to the disobedient Israelites. It seems when I don’t see or feel the presence of God I fashion for myself a golden calf. I will take my eyes off the true living God and forget all the He has done for me. I will start worshiping something or someone instead of God. I thank you Jesus that when I take my heart/mind off of you that you forgive me. This doesn’t mean that there isn’t consequences to my disobedience! I must confess that I think I am worshiping xxxx. I am acting as if she is a god and I am walking on holy ground when I speak with her (removing my sandals). The truth is xxxx is as much a sinner as I am and what she is doing is not pleasing to God. She needs to repent and turn away from her sin. Lord God I pray in Jesus name that you would bring her back to the fold. I know she is a Christian, but she has wandered away from your truths. I take responsibility for some of her disobedience. I wasn’t being the man of God you called me to be. I wasn’t washing her with the water of the word. (Ephesians 5:25 -27) “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” I have failed as a husband and as a man. It’s no wonder why she left me and doesn’t want anything to do with me(I didn’t even want to be with me). I was disobedient and very distant from you Lord God and from xxxx. “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25) Thank you Jesus for changing me and washing my sins as white as snow. Lord I want to be that man of God that cherishes his wife and loves her as Christ loves the church. Lord please raise our marriage from the dead. May we be a witness of your grace and mercy. Amen.

Recorded Tears (Psalm 56:8)

2/10/10 10:56am Still no package from Hawaii! Lord I know you are in control and you have control of the package that I am going to send to xxxx for valentines day. Why is it that I say I know you are in control, and yet I am feeling anxious.(Philippians4:6)"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." The word ANXOIUS means = to be troubled with cares. Lord I do feel troubled with cares. God I pray to you and sometimes I feel like I don’t get an answer.I feel like you don't care about my situation or you are punishing me.This is how I feel and it is feelings that got me into trouble in the first place.I can't go on feelings anymore Lord Jesus,I need to go by faith.I am an impatient man and you have been teaching me patience. Lord I know when I feel like you are being silent that you hear every word I say and see every tear I cry. You are always with me even in my darkest hours. Lord give me your peace that “transcends all understanding.” “ You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8)

I AM A STANDER

2/09/10 “The lampstand will stand in the Tabernacle, in front of the inner curtain that shields the Ark of the Covenant. Aaron and his sons must keep the lamps burning in the Lord’s presence all night. This is a permanent law for the people of Israel, and it must be observed from generation to generation”(Exodus 27:21). I Just like this verse. It speaks of Aaron and his sons keeping the lampstand lit before God permanently. There is no stipulations for holidays or for a fifteen minuet break. They were commanded no matter what if it is night time then that fire must be burning. I pray that the fire I have in my heart to serve you Lord would continue to burn no matter what happens. If I am tired, scared, hungry, bored, or even feeling distant from you Lord God, I must continue to follow/burn with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength to serve you. (Mark 12:30) “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” Lord I didn’t receive the gift for xxxx from Hawaii. I don’t know if it is going to get here in time so I can send it to her. I’ve been feeling bad lately. I feel like this is just a futile attempt to win xxxx’s affection and the gift will only push her away even farther. I’m trying to love her unconditionally, but I know there are other motives in my heart also. She says she wants a divorce and even sent the final papers to me(through email). I just feel like if I sign the papers then I am saying that I agree with the divorce. I DO NOT WANT THIS DIVORCE!!! Texas is a no fault divorce state which means either person can file for the divorce and the other person no matter what they do can be divorced!! I will diligently pray for your intervention in our marriage. I suppose if I had such a fervent prayer life before we were separated, then our marriage would not appear to be ending in total disaster. If I were the man of God you called me to be we would be living happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence and a dog. I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down! I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness. I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed. From Rejoice Ministries

"I hate divorce" (Malachi 2:16)

2/08/10 “Make no treaties with them or their gods. They must not live in your land, or they will cause you to sin against me. If you serve their gods, you will be caught in the trap of idolatry"(Exodus 23:32-33). O Lord may I be diligent in my pursuit of holiness. Lord I do not want to sin against you nor do I want to settle in any treaties that would cause me to serve any other gods except you. I know if I compromise in what seems to be small, I am opening myself up to idolatry. I’m just thinking about the gifts I got for xxxx for valentines day . I hope that they will be received well. I pray that her heart will soften and we would become one flesh again (Genesis 2:24). 22:47pm Lord I’m getting that sinking feeling again. I feel hopeless, but I know my hope is in you. I feel like last year was terrible and this year isn’t turning out to be any better!! I need that peace that only you can give.“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"(Isaiah 26:3). Lord God I’m praying for that promise right now. Give me something!!! I need you to show yourself to me. You told me the other day when I was thinking about and looking at the pictures of xxxx and George that you would fight for me (Exodus 14:14) “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
I need you to fight for my marriage right now. Please take George out of the picture!! You say in your word that you hate divorce (Malachi 2:16) "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." I’m relying on your promises and hope that you will do a miracle. I pray that you would part the red sea allow us to come back together on dry ground. FIGHT FOR US!!! I thank you that you always hear me and everything that happens is filtered through your hands. Lord I just got a call from a friend @ 23:45pm.We talked and prayed then he did something strange and said he was going to let me talk to someone. I thought that he was giving it to a child(that's my experience with most of my friends)but it was a woman!!! It's was awkward and we talked for about 4 minuets. Tell you the truth it felt nice to hear a woman’s voice laughing and holding a conversation with me. Lord I pray that xxxx and I will have a restored youthfulness to our marriage. (Revelation 21)vs3 "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." 6 He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. 7He who overcomes will inherit all this, and I will be his God and he will be my son."

(Exodus 21:5) Pierce My Ear

2/7/10 Lord I feel very nervous today. I just have a lot of things on my mind. I was reading today in "Exodus21:5...if the servant plainly says, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free,’ 6 then his master shall bring him to the judges. He shall also bring him to the door, or to the doorpost, and his master shall pierce his ear with an awl; and he shall serve him forever." Lord God I want to be your servant for life. Please forgive me for falling/running away when I was angry at you and my situation. Pierce my ear to the door way of your heavenly gates. Lord I do love my wife and I wish I would have been the man of god you called me to be.I was self-serving in my marriage and I took xxxx for granted. I thought that xxxx would be with me always. I have deep regrets of my past behaviors, but I do know that if xxxx didn't leave me I would probably still be stuck in my sin and very distant from you Lord God. I thank you for your chastening hand and treating me as your son. "Proverbs 3:11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, 12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

"One flesh?" (Matthew 19:5)

2/06/10 Lord Gods I sent xxx a flower arrangement for valentines day. Jessie said to me did God tell me to do it (He would often tell me to do something and I would tell I need God to tell me to do it).I told him that she is still my wife and God didn't tell me not to. God is there anything wrong with me sending her these flowers? I know it's a copout when I say that You didn't tell me not to. Lord i think my giving her these gifts is my way of telling/showing her i love her and I’m sure that there is competition with George(I think I hate that name). Lord please give me the strength endure my thinking about xxx and that guy together. Matthew 19:4Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Lord I know that you do not want xxxx and xxxxxx to be divorced. I know that your word says that you hate divorce( Malachi 2:16). I do know that further on in that same chapter you do give a way out and allow for divorce. Matthew 19:8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." Jesus says it is permitted, but He doesn't say it should be done or is it recommended. Lord I pray that you would soften xxxx's heart. I pray that you would open a door so we can have good open conversations. Notice I put a "S" at the end of conversation? Lord i want what we have only had in short little spurts which is open conversation. Lord you said you would fight for me I just want to know when you want me to act and just be still. My natural inclination is to try to fix things. Lord give me the patience to wait on you. Help me to and direct me as you did the Israelites by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. There was no doubt in their minds that you were directing them. (Exodus 13:21) "The Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and he provided light at night with a pillar of fire. This allowed them to travel by day or by night. 22 And the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people." Lord please be my shade by day and my light in darkness in times of walking in the most desolate desert of life. Your grace is sufficient for me, sufficient is your grace.