"You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

5/31/10 I spoke to xxxx yesterday. I had asked her to pray one last time and seek the lord to see if she really wants to go through with the divorce (this was about a month ago). She said that she had prayed and that she is not coming back. So I am going to sign the papers for the divorce. I don’t think that this is Gods will, but I don’t know what else to do! I finally got conformation to my prayer about if God was going to restore my marriage or not about a month ago (James 1:5)I have been praying for this for over a year and I finally got an answer. I was just resisting what God was saying to me because I didn’t like what He said. I got my answer when I was reading in 2 Samuel 12. It’s the story when Nathan the prophet came to David and told the parable of the poor man who had one lamb whom he loved and a rich man took the lamb from the poor man in order to feed his guests. David said after hearing Nathan’s story that this person should be put to death. VS 7 “Then Nathan said to David, "You are the man!” He was referring to David about the adulterous affair with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah her husband in order to cover it up. “Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." Nathan replied, "The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have made the enemies of the LORD show utter contempt, the son born to you will die” (2 Samuel 12:13). I felt like God was speaking to my heart in an almost audible way saying “although you are forgiven for what you have done there is still a consequence for your sin.” The consequence for my sin is that my marriage is going to die. “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption”(Galatians 6:7-8). Now I am reaping the harvest of the seeds I have planted throughout my marriage. I understand why xxxx won’t take me back and that she will always have on her mind if I am going to hurt her again and she just can’t/won’t take that chance. “After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. On the seventh day the child died"(2 Samuel 12:15-18). I have prayed diligently, fasted, seeked God with all my heart, and grown closer to God then I have ever thought possible. I know without a doubt in my mind that God’s ways are perfect and “that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”(Roman’s 8:28). I know God will bring out of this circumstance something good and I believe he already has. My prayer right now is for xxxx and that God “will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten”(Joel 2:25). Touch her heart Lord and make her stronger, happier, and full of your loving-kindness. I know you have a plan for her life just like you have for me. Draw her back to you Lord. Amen! The picture I posted is of the moon the last night I saw XXXX.

5/28/10 I finally have some good news. My new dad in trying to figure out how much debt was my moms and how much was his we got it all figured out now. The news is that instead of a monthly bill of over $1,300 and month on Credit cards it turns out that 4 out of the 5 cards were my mothers cards. So now his monthly bill is less then $200 a month. I feel so happy for him and it relieves a lot of stress on him and on me. I do however feel a little resentment towards him for having her have all the debt, but I guess their philosophy still rings true that everything is going to turn out ok.! I hope he learns from this.

LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING (Proverbs 3:5-8)

5/26/10 I went back to work for the first time after my mom had died. It went a lot better then I thought it would. I did have periods of sadness, but work helps me to think of other people other then dwelling on my own circumstances. I’m worried about my “new dad”. I call him my new dad rather then step dad because I feel like it’s more intimate and he thinks it’s funny:@) My mom and new dad had the philosophy of “everything is going to workout”. So when my mom died the family wanted to make sure he was going to be fine and when we looked @ the finances we realized that they had 49,000 in credit card debt. Both were on social security not making much. Now that mom is dead her income is now gone and he has to live on half. This makes the family nervous. If he couldn’t live on both incomes how will he live on one?! So we are gently guiding him and we are starting to cut the fat. He can make it if he keeps a budget, but we are not sure this is going to work because he is 69yrs old and always lived a care free life style. I’m doing a lot of praying for him and hope he understands the seriousness of it (I think he does). To kind of change the subject when I was at work I was asked to fill out an emergency contact form. Then I thought about it :( I would always put my wife on the form then I put my mom but now? I feel like I have no body. I guess I could put my new dad but… I just feel like I am all alone. Am I an orphan now? It’s a strange feeling. I know God is always there and I can talk to Him whenever I want but… I just feel lost. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones”(Proverbs 3:5-8). This is my life verse and I don’t understand what I am supposed to do. So I am going to keep on acknowledging HIM and trust that He will direct me. "Be still, and know that I am God”(Psalm 46:10). I’m not sure what God wants me to learn from this, but I know He has a plan.

My Yoke is Easy (Matthew 11:30)

5/23/10 8:30pm I am feeling very needy right now! It is exactly 7 days to the minuet that I found out that my mom died! I miss her so much. I was feeling bad earlier this week and I thought for a couple of seconds that I was going to call my mom to talk about it and then I remembered (that stinker). I don’t know what to do lord. I’m having a bad year. I guess it could be worse, but I’m not exactly sure how. Lord please help me . Help me to focus on you. I feel like I want beer!! What I really want is to put my head on xxxx’s lap and have her rub my head and say everything’s going to be alright while I fall asleep. It’s not going to happen! Ever! I was trying to call some of my friends, but no one answered. Isn’t it strange that I go to my friends first and not you Lord Jesus? Sometime I forget that you are always with me and that you will never leave me or forsake me. Right now I feel that overwhelming-dark-depressive-inescapable-loneliness again. Jesus help me please! Talk to me comfort me fill me I feel so empty. The morning after my mom died I went to the beach to see the sunrise, but it was so cloudy that I couldn’t see the sun. As I sat there waiting it started to rain and it felt good. I felt like God was cleansing me and that He was going to make all things new. I don’t know what you have in store for me Lord God, but what I do know is that you allow things to happen so I can grow stronger. What’s that saying “what ever doesn’t kill you…” After I was about to leave the beach I looked out over the water and I had missed the sunrise, but God gave me the most incredible view of the sun just peeking through the clouds. I could see the rays of light hitting the ocean. It was so beautiful. When my father died my mom would call me and tell me how the sun beams reminded her of my father. She said it felt like he was telling her that everything is going to be OK.. Now I see the beams, but I don’t think it’s my mom telling me I’m going to be ok. I feel like God is speaking to me. I feel like He is telling me to wait and "Be still, and know that I am God”(Psalm 46:10).
Living here in Florida I noticed that when a hurricane or a large storm comes a lot of tree get knocked down. What I rarely see is a palm tree knocked over. The palm tree isn’t the strongest tree, and yet it rarely get knocked over. Why is that? I think I know why. It is because a palm tree has a long trunk and at the top it has its branches. When the strong storms comes and the pressure of the wind blows on the palm tree and the pressure gets to great the tree simply releases it’s branches and it becomes a bare stick. The wind blows and blows, but the palm tree has very little resistance to the pressures of the wind. So the wind goes whizzing by and the tree is spared and remains standing. It may look bare and lifeless but inside it is waiting for the storm to pass so it can grow again. May I be like the palm tree Lord. May I not resist the storms of life that will eventually pass. May I not lose perspective in that you are the one who allows the storms to come. May I be like the palm tree and when the pressures of life come and try to knock me down may I release all my troubles and pressures to You Lord Jesus. You say in your word “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light"(Matthew 11:30). I give you my burden right now please lighten my load.

I know that my Redeemer lives ( Job 19:25-27)

5/22/10 My mom when she was 60 years old said she wanted to get a scooter. When she said scooter I thought she meant like a Hoveround scooter that you see on TV or the kind you see people use on the streets with an engine. That wasn’t what she was talking about. She was talking about a scooter that you see 10 year old girls riding. The kind that you have one foot on the base of the machine and with the other foot you push on the ground in order to make it move. After I tried to convince her not to buy a scooter stating the various arguments of danger and general craziness. I went over her house one day to visit and I couldn’t fined her. The door was unlocked the car was in the driveway, but she was nowhere to be found. Then as I looked out the window and I saw my mom scooting past. I went outside and there she was scooting through her 55 or older retirement community. When she saw me she said she will be right back and she scooted away. 20 minuets later she comes back with a bag on the front handle bars with a half gallon of milk that she had gotten from the grocery store a half mile away. I said to her “ mom you can’t do this” she said “ why not” I said “because you look like a crazy woman” and she said “I don’t care”. This is just one example of many that describes my mother. I am often told I am just like her. My mom died on May 16, 2010 from a heart attack at the age of 64. I will miss her so much! “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” (Job 19:25-27) I know my mom is heaven with Jesus right now “We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). I am confident of her being in heaven because when I was sick with cancer I received Jesus as my personal savior. After six months of taking me to church and seeing the change in me my mom accepted Jesus as her personal savior and then after about six months my dad also received Jesus as his Lord and savior. “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”(Romans 8:28). Cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me. What seemed at the time to be a complete tragedy God in His sovereign wisdom knew what it would take to get my attention, my mom’s attention, and my dad’s. Now I have the promise of being with Jesus one day, my mom is with Jesus and my dad is with Jesus. I’m not sure what good will come out of my mom’s death, but I know that God does and He has a plan. “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine”(Isaiah 55:8).

Pain is weakness leaving the body

5/16/10 Lately I’ve been at a loss for words to write. I feel like I’m repeating the same themes over and over again. I just want to move on with my life. When am I going to learn the truths that God has already revealed to me? Do I have to feel it to learn it? Do I always have to learn through fiery trials and pain? I saw a shirt while I was at the gym and it read “Pain is weakness leaving the body”. Lord I feel like I’ve been through a lot of pain in my life. I do feel stronger then I have ever felt before. I know you are not a God who wants me to stay still, but I feel tired. I find that when I feel strong, when I feel like I just want to rest and relax this is when I am the most vulnerable. Then I don’t pursue You O Lord with the same vigor. I start slipping back to my old ways and go into cruise control. I should probably replace CRUISE CONTROL with SIN CONTROL. I find that when I go into this mode it is because I am not continually moving towards You and holiness. If I’m not moving forward towards You Lord Jesus, then I am moving backwards. The word “backwards” when translated from English to christianese is called “backslidden”. Paul gives the perfect words that were specifically written for me in the book of Galatians. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up”(Galatians 6:9). May I continually move forward towards You and holiness. “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light”(Matthew 11:28-30)

“Behold, I make all things new” (Rev. 21:5)

5/13/10 “Behold, I make all things new”(Rev. 21:5).
I’ve been doing a step study at church for about 10 months now. I was doing the forth step and it is “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”. As I made this list I started to feel condemned. I felt so awful looking at the list of things I have done in my past and I was overwhelmed with grief! I started doing that self talk thing I do so well Like “YOU ARE SUCH A PIG!” This is one of my favorite self-defeating sayings that I like to say to myself. There are others, but this is my favorite one. Then I went to the step study and I was reminded that the list I made is a list of who I was and NOT WHO I AM! “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new”(2 Corinthians 5:17). I am a new creation and I am never going back to the old man. “We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him”(Romans 6:6-8). Praise God!!!!!

You Keep Track of All My Sorrows(Psalm 56:8)

I drove by the first place xxxx and I had our first date today. It wasn’t on purpose , but as I drove I knew it was coming up. I didn’t feel sad when I saw it, I kinda felt a little good. I guess I was feeling the fond memories and not the loss that I’m feeling right now. Our first date was going to go and watch a boat parade but it was already over or it was on a different day then we had thought. It really didn’t matter because we walked together and talked and I felt so comfortable. She was wearing a jean dress and I remember I thought she was so beautiful. I couldn’t believe that someone like her would go out with me. She was smart, pretty, funny (still is) and she thought I was funny. We walked by the water and down Las Olas blvd where there were upscale shops and restaurants. We went through the stores joked around and had a good time just enjoying each other. We ended up at a restaurant called Mangos. There was a blues band playing and it was so nice. I felt uncomfortable sitting face to face with this beautiful woman and I felt a little tongue-tied. I remember thinking to my self “don’t say anything stupid” which was my usual Modus operandi. I tend to ramble on and on until I say something that may be a little odd or just one of those “why did I say that “ moments. For the most part I think I did pretty good(at least she didn’t say anything). Why do I write this? I don’t know! I was thinking about it and this is what came out. I guess I feel a little nostalgic for the days when things seemed so easy and care free. When I had a clean slate with nothing bad was written on it. No dumb comments that would haunt me for years. No hurtful actions .It was all new fresh and full of promise. The touch of her hand would make me shake inside and my heart felt like it would burst with joy. Now my heart feels like it’s going to burst, but not for joy. Will this ever end? Will this great loss I am feeling eventually subside? It feels worse then when my dad died. It feels worse then when I had cancer. I can’t describe it but sometimes I feel like I’m dying. I know one day I will feel better yada yada yada! I think I just want to be in my poor-me-pity-party. I have so much to be thankful for, but at this moment I think I’ll just pray a little and cry a little. Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

Here am I. Send me! (Isaiah 6:8)

5/09/10 Yesterday morning I went to a meeting to be a small group facilitator for Celebrate Recovery. I have been going for about 11 months now and one of the leaders asked me if I would like to come for some training. It was a good meeting ( I think) but I’m not sure how much I got out of it because I came after my 12 hour shift that night 7pm-7am and the meeting went till 11am. I was a little tired!!!! I know God is leading me in that direction for now. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God (2cor 1:3-4). I was thinking the other day that I would like to buy a house. As I thought about it I realized that God might not want me to stay where I am. He might move me to another part of the country and I want to be open to whatever God has planned for me. “As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him (Mark 1:16-18). I am open to what ever you want me to do LORD. I know lately you have been telling me to wait, to be patient, to "Be still, and know that I am God(Psalm 46:10). I don’t want to do anything that is self motivated I want to do what You want me to do. “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8

You Hear My Voice(Psalm 5:3)

5/06/10 “In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation”(Psalm 5:3). O Lord I thank you that you hear every prayer and groaning from my mouth. I know you hear and care for me far beyond what I am even able to comprehend. I have been praying for my marriage and I know you are going to answer this week. I asked XXXX to please pray one last time before we make a final decision to end our marriage. I pray that you speak to her in a mighty way! I pray that even if she does not pray as she said she would that you would awaken her in her sleep. Reveal your will Sovereign LORD. May You speak clearly and precisely to her heart so that there is no denying what your will is for our marriage. I thank you and praise you in Your Son Jesus’ name.

Do Nothing Out of Selfish Ambition (Phil 2:3)

5/03/10 Well another day another trial! What’s going on here! I just don’t think I can take anymore LORD. Today my mother went into the hospital because she feeling very weak and tired. It turns out they had to give her 3 units of blood because of her low H&H which was 6.1.What it should be is about 12. I can tell there is something seriously wrong because she is very jaundice which is usually an indication that there is something wrong with her liver. I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t want her to worry. I feel a little guilty because I was holding a little resentment towards her. I told her the other day that I will soon be divorce. She said to me “I thought that happened a couple of months ago.” I felt very hurt and all I could say to her was“ OH MOM”. She has been oblivious to pretty much everything that happens in my life even if I tell her. I am not sure why I am expecting different results from her?! She has always been like this. Now I’m mad at her for getting sick. I am very selfish because I am thinking about how her sickness is affecting me and how I'm feeling. Can I just get over ME and think about others more then myself? “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others(Philippians 2:3-4). Lord help me to be others centered and not ME-centered. Help me to do things in a selfless manner. “So when He had washed their feet, taken His garments, and sat down again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them(John 13:12-17). The Holy Spirit just spoke to me as He often does while I am writing out my thoughts. I don’t have to pray for God to make me less self-centered! I need to only follow the example Jesus has already given me. I need only to be obedient and do what He tells me to do. It‘s about obedience! obedience! obedience! I don’t need to feel it. I just need to do it! “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you”(Psalm 37:4-5).
If I delight in HIM, He will give me the desires He wants me to have. Amen

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8)

5/01/10 I finally got my day in court! I was there with my lawyer who apparently didn’t know what my case was even about. So He had me fill him in 30min before court started. Then we walked into the court house where all the other criminals were awaiting trial. I dressed in a shirt and tie with dress pants, but apparently it is an informal court house! I saw people who were wearing from “pants on the ground” to cutoffs. I heard one lawyer speaking to his client and telling him to take off the sunglasses, tuck in his shirt, and pull his pants up. I think he was giving him good advice LOL! My whole case only lasted 3.543 minuets. My lawyer went up spoke to the prosecuting attorney and asked if the case could be plead for a lesser charge. They agreed and my final charge was reduced from (murder 1 ) I mean from disobeying a lawful command of a police officer(second degree misdemeanor) to the equitant of avoiding a traffic signal by and going through a gas station (minor traffic no points). This whole ordeal only cost my $1,625.00. That’s $1,500 for the lawyer and $125 for the ticket, but the lesson I learned “PRICELESS”! God was speaking to me about my problem I have had my whole life with authority and trust. I have been praying about it after the whole job thing and this traffic ticket. God revealed to me my problem with authority all started when I was three years old and I was molested by someone in the neighborhood. Ever since then I have been trying to get control of my situation by defying those who I felt were a threat to my safety or who can in someway control me or if I felt like they were trying to control me. This translated to basically almost everybody I came into contact with. Some examples would be: teachers, parents, police, bosses, friends, family, and even my wife. I have had trust issues from my earliest childhood memories. Now God is revealing to me the root cause of my anxieties. I feel like I am finally being healed from a chronic debilitating sickness. I just don’t know why God waited 38 years to reveal it to me!! I know the scripture where it says“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD” (Isaiah 55:8). It doesn’t help me not feel resentment towards you O God. Sorry that’s how I feel Lord. Please forgive me! I know I am questioning You and that I am but dust. I am a lump of clay questioning why you formed me the way you did. You already know my thoughts so it doesn’t matter if I write them down or not. I feel like Job who was questioning God why he was being afflicted so severely. “Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said: “Who is this who darkens my counsel By words without knowledge? Now prepare yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer Me (Job 38:1-3). Then God proceeds to ask Job Questions about things that are impossible to know or fathom unless he were God. Then after two chapters of questions from God “ Job answered the LORD and said:“ Behold, I am vile; What shall I answer You? I lay my hand over my mouth. Once I have spoken, but I will not answer; Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further”(Job 40:3-5). You know somehow writing this part of scripture makes me feel better. Do I have to know why this thing happened to me when I was three years old? No! I need to trust YOU and “know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified”(Romans 8:28-30). Lord thank you for refining and conforming me into the image of your Son Jesus. I feel the cleansing power of His blood and the freedom of being redeemed. In my life time I have been a drug addict, thief, brawler, drunkard, liar, pervert, idolater, blasphemer etc… “Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty(Psalm 32:1-2)!
“Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s”(Psalm 103:1-5).
When Jesus saved me in 1994 one of the sermons that the pastor was teaching on was “What is Your Purpose in Life”? I wrote down on my note pad “My purpose in life is to help the hurting wherever that may be.”
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ” (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).