"Don’t look out only for your own interests" (Phil 2:1-8)

4/28/10 “One foot on the brake and one on the gas, hey! Well, there's too much traffic, I can't pass, no! So I tried my best illegal move A big black and white come and crushed my groove again! CHORUS: Go on & write me up for 125 Post my face, wanted dead or alive Take my license n' all that jive I can't drive É 55! Oh No! Uh!” I have court tomorrow I think I’ll tell this to the jury. Maybe not. The truth is probably just as bad though. Tell me if I am going to jail or not? I was driving down cypress creek road and I saw what appeared to be a bad accident ahead of me and the police were blocking Andrews blvd. I saw a police cars with their lights on before the road block thinking it was letting me know of the impending accident. Then I saw a space going up the ramp for I-95 and I went up the ramp. Then I saw 3 or 4 nice police officers about 50 yards away waving in my direction and I thought “I wonder who they are waving at”? Then once I got onto I-95 I saw that there were no cars on the highway! That’s when I realized that I went through a road block and the police were waving at me! I got real nervous and drove 40mph down the empty highway for about a minuet trying to figure out what I should do. Then I finally stopped and waited for the police to come. Did I mention I was running late for church!!?? LOL (this is true). The police finally caught up with me and in a friendly voice he said “LICENCE AND REGERSTRATION! DO YOU KNOW YOU WENT THROUGH A ROAD BLOCK!? WE WERE BLOCKING THE HIGHWAY FOR TOYS FOR TOTS.” Then he went back to his car and wrote me a ticket. It turns out that I had just committed a second degree misdemeanor! The charge is failing to follow a lawful command of an officer. There is so much application here for my life I don’t even know where to start. I’ll just pick one. Lets talk about my self-centeredness. I saw all the cop cars and the lights flashing and it never crossed my mind to pray for the person or persons who could possibility be injured seriously. All I could think of was that I was late for church ( what a great Christian I am). I was only thinking about the number 1 god in my life and the great trinity of me-myself-and-I).I am always on my mind. Lord help me to be others centered. Remind me I am not the only person on the planet and that the earth doesn’t revolve around me. Philippians 2:1-8 “Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.” These verses make me cry! So powerful! I am so convicted. God I know you are using this situation to point out yet another thing I need to work on. You are constantly showing me areas in my life that need refining. “I will bring the one-third through the fire, Will refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, And I will answer them. I will say, ‘This is My people’; And each one will say, ‘The LORD is my God (Zechariah 13:9).
Thank you Jesus for the ultimate selfless sacrifice of dying on the cross and giving me your Holy Spirit. I need more of you and less of me.

O LORD, My Strength (Psalms 18:1-2)

4/24/10 Lord I’ve been praying for my marriage to be restored for a year now and I think I have been obsessed with the idea of being reunited with xxxx. This obsession I have come to realize was at the expense of my physical and emotional wellbeing. Well maybe not my emotional wellbeing because you O Lord have changed me tremendously. I do recognize that you were tearing me down so you could build me up on a firm foundation. Psalms 18:1-2 “I will love You, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” I feel like my problem is right now that I am starting to noticing other women at work at church that I never noticed before. I’m not sure if I am trying fill this emotional void in my life that xxxx used to fill. I feel like I am on a discovery channel documentary. There is this deserted island and I am a baby penguin. There are hundreds of thousands of us and I just lost my mother. So I am franticly searching for her . Then I see someone who looks like or acts like her and I go up to her and say “are you my mother?” (What I’m really saying is are you going to fill this void in my life?) Then you see the mother penguin chaise away the baby. Then you see him go to another and the same thing happens over and over again. Until finally the camera does a close-up on the baby penguin alone, confused, abandoned, and chirping in the air with no one paying attention to him. “I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof” Psalms (102:6-7). Lord I don’t want to do this!! I need you to fill the void in my life. I need you to be my comfort. I need you to be my security! I need to be secure in you before I look for someone else. I guess I’m just tired of being lonely. I miss someone paying attention to me. I miss the love and affection. I miss the touch of a warm soft hand. I miss a tender kiss.

Lonely am I? Am I lonely?
A void am I Trying to fill,
to be filled by you only?
Compelled by my will,
for a security that is phony?
Lord you are the I AM,
the I AM that is true.
i am a lump of clay,
i am nothing without you.
So mold me and shape me,
as I yield to your will.
Make me a man you are able to fill.
A vessel of honor made by your loving hand.
It’s by your loving touch, that I can finally be a man.

Count It All Joy? (James 1:2-4)

4/22/10 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing”(James1:2-4).
James tells me to “count it all joy when you fall into various trials”. How do I do this? I’m not exactly sure. I’m trying to count it all joy while in the trials. I know it is easier for me to count it all joy after the trial is past and I see the end results that God had in mind. I think it all comes down to how mature I am in the faith and trust that God will work all things out for good. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him”(Romans 8:28). I want to see the end results at the beginning before God has a chance to change me and my situation. If I remember the past trials God has gotten me through will I be able to “count it all joy”? Well it hasn’t happened yet! My problem is that I often do not trust God. I feel like I am starting to trust HIM, but maybe I need more trials in my life(scares me to say this). Am I truly willing to “ be perfect and complete, lacking nothing”? NO! My whole life has been a constant pursuit of the avoidance of the pain associated with trials. I think this is one of my root problems that got me into trouble my entire life. I would do things to avoid trials and at the same time make even more trials for myself. I need to relax in God and stop trying to avoid the trial and pursue God and his guidance. “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light”(Matthew 11:28-30). O Lord I want rest for my soul. Give me a heart that pursues you and your will even if it involves PAIN! I love you and praise you for the past trials you have given me. You have and you are constantly changing my heart, my mind, and my soul. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life (Psalms 139:23-24).

When I Was A Child (1Corinthians 13:11)

4/20/10 The winter solstice and the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It's all due to Earth's tilt, which ensures that the shortest day of every year falls around December 21. The shortest day of the year was also my darkest! I have 1 email message that is marked unread in my Yahoo inbox on the 21 of December. The message is FROM Claude Ducloux and the SUBJECT is “Final Decree”. I have been looking at that unmarked message for about 4 months now as a constant reminder of my impending doom of a marriage. After talking to my soon to be x-wife I am finally coming to the harsh reality that I will soon no longer be married to xxxx xxxxxxxxx xxxxx. She was my everything and I couldn’t imagine life without her. We have been separated for a year now and I think I have more pain and cried more that year then my whole life combined (I would including from birth).This past year I would describe it as Growing Pains. The definition of “Growing Pains” : 1. Pains in the limbs and joints of children or adolescents, often attributed to rapid growth but arising from various unrelated causes.
2. Emotional difficulties that occur during adolescence.
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1Corinthians 13:11). I feel like I have aged tremendously both physically and spiritually. Physically I just feel worn-out old! Spiritually I feel new like a child. God’s word is alive and active and I am amazed how a scripture I’ve read a bunch of times before is now a new word from HIM. I hope I never lose it!!!! Now I am filled with uncertainty and regrets. The one thing that is certain is that God said in his word “ I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5). God is going to be my comforter in times of sorrow. God is going to be my friend when I am lonely. God is going to be there no matter what happens. God please help me!!

Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Must stay busy! Because when I slow down my mind thinks of her. Must be praying! Must be praying! Must be praying! Jesus fill the void I feel without her in my life. Fill my heart! Fill my heart! Fill my heart! I need you badly the sorrow is incomprehensible. Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Calm my soul! Turn my sorrow into gladness. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. BE STILL MY SON. I AM HERE AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. Hold my hand Father! I AM. I feel so bad! I KNOW. What should I do? JUST BE STILL MY SON. I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. I’m scared! I KNOW.

Lord of the Rings (Luke 15:22-24)

4/17/10 O Lord I know you have wisdom and power beyond my comprehension. You say in your word “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD”(Isaiah 55:8). I am constantly reminded of this almost daily. I spoke to my wife last night and it was a good conversation. We spoke of things that mattered and things that were on our hearts. It’s been about two months since we last talked and the conclusion was that she still wants the divorce. “ You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” Psalms 56:8). I had hurt her so much that she just can’t get past the pain and the uncertainty of me hurting her again(she didn’t say that exactly). Her tone was one of it doesn’t matter what I do now because her consistent question for me was “ why didn’t I do this before we were separated” and another question she would ask “ why didn’t you ever love me”? To these questions I have no good answer. I had a rebellious heart that was so hard that I couldn’t see past my own evil desires. “We know we have rebelled and have denied the Lord. We have turned our backs on our God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies” (Isaiah 59:13). She had a fair questions for me and deserves a fair answer. My only reply is “I have always loved you and I always will”. My actions didn’t show it because I was stuck in my sin. “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death(James 1:14-15). I killed our marriage and it appears that there will be no resurrection. My prayers have not been unanswered because in the process of prayer God gave me a new heart.“ I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart (Ezekiel 36:26). God didn’t give me what I wanted which was a restored marriage. He gave me “a tender, responsive heart”. God I pray in your son’s name Jesus that you would give xxxx a new heart. Lord you know exactly what she needs, and I pray that you would speak to her the way you speak to me. Soften her heart Lord.
I know this video I posted Is a little psycho! It’s how I’m feeling @ the moment.

The children of Israel grew stronger and stronger (Judges 4:1-24)

Judges 4:1-24
1 When Ehud was dead, the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. 2 So the LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin king of Canaan, who reigned in Hazor. The commander of his army was Sisera, who dwelt in Harosheth Hagoyim. 3 And the children of Israel cried out to the LORD; for Jabin had nine hundred chariots of iron, and for twenty years he had harshly oppressed the children of Israel.

As I read through the book of Judges I see a reoccurring phrase. “the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD.” The word evil can also be interpreted as malignant. Malignant : In regard to a tumor, having the properties of a malignancy that can invade and destroy nearby tissue and that may spread (metastasize) to other parts of the body. The evil the Israelites were doing wasn’t isolated to one particular person or area. It metastasized and spread throughout the entire body of Israel. This evil wasn’t a one time slip. It was an ongoing practice that went on for twenty years. It was a slow growing cancer that would eventually destroy the host that it was growing in. James 1:14-15 “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.” Temptation in itself is not a sin. It is when I give in to that sin or dwell on it. The Israelites were practicing sin that would eventually grow into certain death. Finally they “cried out to the LORD.” They called the great Physician to heal them of their affliction. I find that it isn’t until I am in great pain that I go to God or to the doctor. I need to go to the doctor for regular checkups not when I have the symptoms of a disease. In the same way I need to do regular checkups with GOD. I need to ask Him to “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting”(Psalms 139: 23-24). If I do this checkup, God will give me the remedy I need. If I am an obedient/good patient and take the medicine no matter how bad it tastes, God will heal whatever I am afflicted with.

VS 4 Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, was judging Israel at that time. 5 And she would sit under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the mountains of Ephraim. And the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. 6 Then she sent and called for Barak the son of Abinoam from Kedesh in Naphtali, and said to him, “Has not the LORD God of Israel commanded, ‘Go and deploy troops at Mount Tabor; take with you ten thousand men of the sons of Naphtali and of the sons of Zebulun; 7 and against you I will deploy Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his multitude at the River Kishon; and I will deliver him into your hand’?”
God’s cure for the people of Israel in that time was that HE sent Judges to lead them on the right path. Deborah was a prophetess who spoke the words of the Lord. Deborah, when prophesying to Barak, said “Has not the LORD God of Israel commanded, ‘Go and deploy troops at Mount Tabor”. She was telling him the words of the Lord and what God wanted him to do. She also told him the outcome of being obedient to the Lord “I will deliver him into your hand”. Barak had a choice to listen or not listen to what the Lord had to say. Barak could have disobeyed God and Israel might have stayed under the oppression of “Jabin king of Canaan”. Even though “The children of Israel cried out to the LORD” it doesn’t mean the lord will deliver them. In the same way God isn’t going to just deliver me if I cry out to Him. I know this because I would pray “ Lord please take this sin from me.” I was sincere and honest with all of my heart. I wanted God to take it away!!! What the lord wanted me to do was to give it to him. The lord wanted me to be obedient to Him. The lord wanted me to listen and obey his words he had written to me. The lord wanted me to claim the promises He had already given. I was acting like a three year old child who was holding onto a security blanket not wanting to let go. I would say “lord take my sin from me”, while holding onto the blanket as hard as I could. The Lord is not going to take it away! I have to be obedient/mature enough to give it to him.

8 And Barak said to her, “If you will go with me, then I will go; but if you will not go with me, I will not go!”
Now we see Barak giving an ultimatum to what God had commanded him to do. “If you will go with me, then I will go; but if you will not go with me, I will not go!” I will call it the “If ” statement. I know that I would often rationalize the sin I was doing in this way. If I didn’t have an argument with my wife or if I didn’t have this stress in my life, then I wouldn’t need to do this thing to make me feel better. What I am saying in reality is that IF my circumstances are not the way I feel they should be, then I am freed from any responsibility towards God and what he wants me to do. God is the one in charge not me. There are no If’s when God tells me to do something. The only thing I should say when He tells me to do something is “Here am I! Send me” (Isaiah 6:8). It’s all about obedience. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW I FEEL, I MUST OBEY GOD AND NOT SIN.

9 So she said, “I will surely go with you; nevertheless there will be no glory for you in the journey you are taking, for the LORD will sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.” Then Deborah arose and went with Barak to Kedesh.
Deborah was telling Barak because of this ultimatum you have made and you did not obey the Lords command without question, the glory of the victory will go to someone else. The application to me is(although out of context) that any victories in my life against sin or the enemy I can not take any of the credit. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”(Philippians 4:13). It is through Jesus alone that I am “able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one” (Ephesians 6:16).
“But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:57 NLT).

10 And Barak called Zebulun and Naphtali to Kedesh; he went up with ten thousand men under his command, and Deborah went up with him.
11 Now Heber the Kenite, of the children of Hobab the father-in-law of Moses, had separated himself from the Kenites and pitched his tent near the terebinth tree at Zaanaim, which is beside Kedesh.
I notice that when Barak went into battle he did not go alone. He called others to help with the fight. When I am going into battle I should not go into battle alone. I need the help of God and people that are in my life in order to win the war. This war is not only against temptation I am struggling with, but it is a spiritual battle for Holiness and freedom from the bondage of sin.
“ For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm”(Ephesians 6:12 NLT). I don’t want to blame my battle with sin only on the unseen spiritual realm because in James I read “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away”(James 1:14 NLT) With all these forces against me I need all the help/troops I can get.
12 And they reported to Sisera that Barak the son of Abinoam had gone up to Mount Tabor. 13 So Sisera gathered together all his chariots, nine hundred chariots of iron, and all the people who were with him, from Harosheth Hagoyim to the River Kishon. 14 Then Deborah said to Barak, “Up! For this is the day in which the LORD has delivered Sisera into your hand. Has not the LORD gone out before you?”
I am reminded of the story in 2Kings 6 when the king of Aram, who was at war with Israel, was upset because Elisha was telling the King of Israel the war plans of King Aram who was attacking them. So King Aram tried to capture Elisha and “sent horses and chariots and a great army there, and they came by night and surrounded the city”(2Kings 6:14). Then in the morning Elisha’s servant was frightened when he saw the great army surrounding them. Then the servant asked Elisha “What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” And Elisha prayed, and said, “LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” Then the LORD opened the eyes of the young man, and he saw. And behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha” (2 kings6:15-18).
I have come to realize that life is full of battles. There are large battles and small battles. It doesn’t matter how big or small the battle is, the Lord is continually fighting for me. I get into trouble when I say in my heart “Lord this is a small battle I can take care of this one myself”. This is when I am most vulnerable! “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall”(1Corinthians 10:12). I need to be on constant guard against being self-reliant and going off on my own. Instead of being self-reliant I need to be more Christ-reliant. My very best in doing things under my own strength is never going to be good enough. “But we are all like an unclean thing, And all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags”(Isaiah 64:6). No matter what the battle is big or small “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). “Has not the LORD gone out before you?” (Judges 4:14)
Lord, open my eyes that I may see your strength and power and majesty.
Lord, open my eyes that I might see your mighty power that sets me free.
Lord, open my eyes that I may see more of you and less of me.
LORD, OPEN MY EYES!!
　 　
14b So Barak went down from Mount Tabor with ten thousand men following him. 15 And the LORD routed Sisera and all his chariots and all his army with the edge of the sword before Barak; and Sisera alighted from his chariot and fled away on foot. 16 But Barak pursued the chariots and the army as far as Harosheth Hagoyim, and all the army of Sisera fell by the edge of the sword; not a man was left.
When I have sin in my life I need to attack that sin and totally destroy it. Because if I don’t, it will regroup and attack me again. The best way I can fight the enemy/sin is by “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God”(Ephesians 6:17). In Hebrews 4:12 it says “For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” I need to be actively, daily, purposefully, and continually pursuing Jesus and his will for my life. The best way I know to do this is by reading His love letter to me. He tells me everything I need to know to live an active whole spiritual life. The bible also tell me to “pray without ceasing”(1Thessalonians 5:17). It is through this constant communication with Jesus that I am “able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one (Ephesians 6:12). I also see in this section of scripture that “Sisera alighted from his chariot and fled away on foot”. The entire army was destroyed except for Sisera. He got away so he would not be destroyed. “Now when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from Him until an opportune time” (Luke 4:13). When I came to the Lord Jesus Christ I was so happy that I was freed from the bondage of sin. I gave him all of my hurts and hang-ups EXCEPT…. I held back some of my past sins as an “in case of emergency break glass” way out. I didn’t truly trust Jesus with everything in my life. I felt a needed to hold on to the sin that was my security blanket my whole life. Then in times of fiery troubles and pressure I would run to my blanket. I didn’t think Jesus was enough and to be honest I enjoyed my sin. I choose to be a prisoner to sin not realizing that there was so much more freedom for me on the other side of the bars. I could see the wide open spaces and I could see people that were free, but I some how felt comfortable in my own little cell block. But Jesus came “to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness” (Isaiah 42:7). PRAISE GOD!!!
　

17 However, Sisera had fled away on foot to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite; for there was peace between Jabin king of Hazor and the house of Heber the Kenite.
When trials come I want to flee from the pain. My natural inclination is to run to the comfort of my past sin. In some distorted way I feel at the time that it will give me peace. IT NEVER DOES.

18 And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said to him, “Turn aside, my lord, turn aside to me; do not fear.” And when he had turned aside with her into the tent, she covered him with a blanket.
The first thing I see in order to defeat sin is to confront it “Jael went out to meet Sisera”. Jael didn’t wait for Sisera to come to the door of her tent, she went out to meet him. In the same way I need to confront my sin before it is a threat. If I wait to deal with a sin in my life when it is tempting me, then I will lose the battle. I need to have a plan on how I am going to deal with it when it comes around. The next thing I see is Jael’s plan. Her plan was to weaken Sisera to diminish his power. First she “covered him with a blanket.” This made him relaxed and not be as threatening. Any sin in my life I need to do things that will diminish its power. The things I can do are: 1.Pray to God for strength “God is our refuge and strength”(Psalms 46:1). 2. Tell others of my struggles “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed”(James 5:16) 3.Read the bible “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right”(2 Timothy 3:16 NLT)

19 Then he said to her, “Please give me a little water to drink, for I am thirsty.” So she opened a jug of milk, gave him a drink, and covered him.
Sisera asked Jael for some water in order to quench his desire for thirst. Instead of giving water Jael replaced it with warm milk which would cause him to sleep. When sin is asking for something to quench its lustful desires I need to replace it with something else.
The things I do are fellowship, prayer, read the Bible, do Bible studies, go to church, confess struggles to other men.

20 And he said to her, “Stand at the door of the tent, and if any man comes and inquires of you, and says, ‘Is there any man here?’ you shall say, ‘No.’”
Although I have a lot of things in place to fight the war of sin there will be times when I am tempted or am dwelling on a sin. This is when honesty to myself and to others is the most important thing to do when concurring sin. I find when I am tempted by sin the fastest and most effective way to quench/subdue it is by calling my accountability partner. If I hold on to this sin and keep it secret it has power over me, but if I tell another person then it has no power over me. Satan wants me to conceal my sin in order to make me powerless to do anything for the kingdom of God. Satan has one purpose in life and that “is to steal and kill and destroy”(John 10:10 NLT).
　
21 Then Jael, Heber’s wife, took a tent peg and took a hammer in her hand, and went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple, and it went down into the ground; for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.
I could imagine Jael with the tent peg and the hammer in her hand being terrified that Sisera would wake up. The uncertainty if she would succeed in killing him might have been enough to hinder her from even trying. She found the courage to put to death the person who was oppressing the people of Israel.
I am so terrified of going back to the way I once was( The Old Man). I have so much peace in my mind and heart that I never want to go back. “knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin”(Romans 6:6). Sin has taken a great toll and I have lost the love of my life because of my own selfishness. I chose my own sinful desires over my God and my marriage. I have no one to blame for the failure of my marriage except for me. xxxx is truly a great proverbs 31 woman. She did absolutely everything she could think of to help me become a better me. Her final gift to me was that she finally left me. Without her leaving me I probably would be in the utter darkness that I felt hopelessly trapped in. I still have hope and faith that God will do a mighty work. “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible”(Matthew 19:26) I don’t know if God is going to restore our marriage, but I do know even if God doesn’t restore my marriage “all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”(Romans 8:28). I’m going to be ok.

22 And then, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said to him, “Come, I will show you the man whom you seek.” And when he went into her tent, there lay Sisera, dead with the peg in his temple.
Jael after killing Sisera showed Barak the great victory she had accomplished.
1 Chronicles 16:8-9 “Oh, give thanks to the LORD! Call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples! Sing to Him, sing psalms to Him; Talk of all His wondrous works!” I will tell of the glorious things God has done for me. I feel a calling like never before to reach those who feel helplessly stuck in their sin. I want to help them find the freedom I have found in Christ.“ For He who is mighty has done great things for me, And holy is His name”(Luke1:49).

23 So on that day God subdued Jabin king of Canaan in the presence of the children of Israel. 24 And the hand of the children of Israel grew stronger and stronger against Jabin king of Canaan, until they had destroyed Jabin king of Canaan.
Finally after the great victory over the army of Sisera “the children of Israel grew stronger and stronger against Jabin king of Canaan”. I have found that when I win even the smallest of battles over sin, I become stronger and have more victories over sin which allowed me to have more victories which allowed me to have more victories… I am able to have victory in my life because of the small battles I have fought and won. The small battles gave me the strength to conquer the big ones.
“ For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless”(1 Corinthians 15:56-58).

Search me, O God, and know my heart. (Psalms 139:23-24)

4/14/10 I feel like I was lost while my computer was broken. I wasn’t even able to journal. I guess I could have done it on paper but it just isn’t the same. A lot has happened while I was away. Well not that much, but I realized I have a problem with authority. I just got my evaluation at work and it wasn’t good. I was told to do something when I first started working 10 months ago and I thought it was dumb so I didn’t do it. Now I am written up for it and I have to do an action plan for what I am going to do to fix it. If I don’t then I am going to be terminated. The other thing that I did was go through a police barricade(sounds worse then it is) and I got a ticket and I have to go to court on the 28th of this month. I’m starting to see this trend. I think God is showing me other things in my life I need to change. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting”(Psalms 139: 23-24). I often pray something similar to this verse and HE is faithful to answer my prayers.

I Waited Patiently For The LORD (Psalms 40:1)

4/5/10 Today I went to a rejoice Ministries meeting. It’s a group of people that are praying for the restoration of their marriage. It was a very encouraging meeting. The first song I broke down and cried. I am sick of feeling this way! I don’t know what to do. It has been about a year that we have been separated. I really don’t see any hope in sight. The meeting was good because it was about not living by sight but by faith. 2cor 5:7 “We live by faith, not by sight.” She referenced Lazareth being raised from the dead and if Jesus can raise him from the dead then He can raise my marriage from the dead. Then she asked “how big is your God”? She said we need to wait on the promise that God has given us. This is where I am stumped. I know God speaks to me and he answers prayers. I am still asking for the answer to my prayer if my marriage is going to be restored. Either God has been silent or I am not willing to hear the answer. I do know is that I am growing impatient. “Those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). Lord God please give me an answer to my prayer. I claim your word in James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” I wish that this verse said God would answer me in a certain amount of time, but it doesn’t. I do know if God had answered my prayer a year ago I might be still in my sin. I have come to realize that His timing is perfect and He has a different watch then I have. I have grown so much in the Lord and I know I am not the same person I was even a month ago“ I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps”(Psalms 40:1-2) You have given me direction and firm footing where I was once sinking. Lord You “set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps” I will wait for your answer Lord. "Speak, for your servant is listening" (1 Samuel 3:10). Please answer me soon.

Do Not Become Weary in Doing Good (Galatians 6:9)

4/03/10 I was reading through the book of Judges and I see a reoccurring theme. The Israelites will serve God for awhile and then they forget about Him and what He did for them. Then inevitably they would serve other gods and do “evil in the sight of the LORD” (Judges 4:1). Then God would hand them over to their enemies and the Israelites would eventually repent and God would deliver them. Lord I don’t want to go through this cycle anymore. I want to be obedient no matter what the circumstances are in my life. May I be constantly aware of the slightest deviance from You and your word. I want to have perseverance in my faith and “not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9). I have been a Christian for awhile now and I think it is about time that I start to be mature in my faith. “For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the first principles of the oracles of God; and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, for he is a babe. But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil”(Hebrews 5:12-14). I feel like I have been going in the cycle as the Israelites did.I start out being on fire for the Lord and then eventually I become lazy in doing the basics of Christianity. Then eventually I fall away. The bare bone basic minimum Christianity for me is 1. read the bible(no matter how busy I am) 2. Pray for others and myself 3.serve others 4. Keep accountable to others 5. Evangelism. 6. Journaling(new thing for me) I find if I do these things I tend to stay out of trouble because I am less focused on myself and more focused on God and others. The journaling thing is new for me. I have been journaling for about five months and I feel like it helps me to get focused. It helps me focus on what’s going on in my life and I feel like God speaks to my heart. “God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him”(James 1:12).